The way this male "space invader" made me feel

[ActuallyMortified]

Watching the kids at their activity earlier - the spectators gallery is always very crowded, many people have to sit on the floor or stand as there's never enough seating. I was sitting on the floor in a corner, next to the glass balcony bit that overlooks the activity hall, side-on to the glass and my back against a wall/pillar.

All of a sudden, this man came over and stood next to where I was sitting and leaned over to rest his arms and chin on the balcony edge - thereby forming an arch over me. To be totally clear, I was then underneath him with his genital area a couple of inches from the side of my face - enclosed by him to the top and one side, the glass panel to the other side, and the wall to my back. The two women in nearby chairs looked at me with a shocked look on their faces, which I returned. After a few seconds, I half got up and said to him "sorry, do you mind, I was sitting there, and it feels kind of weird to have you standing over me". He said sorry and stood up straight, but that was his one concession - so he wasn't literally standing over me any more, but still standing extremely close with his genital area next to my head.

I felt really uncomfortable and vulnerable and humiliated by the positioning. I shuffled forwards on the floor so that I wasn't at his feet any more. I was really surprised at my body's automatic responses then - I felt tears come to my eyes and couldn't help turning away and discreetly weeping a little at how he'd invaded my space and I hadn't been able to adequately stick up for myself. But I also felt too afraid to turn around to look at the rest of the gallery and find a space to move to in case anyone saw my vulnerability and upset. I had to actively focus on staying calm and taking deep breaths - especially because my youngest daughter was with me and much as I wanted an emotional release I wasn't about to lose it in front of her and a packed gallery. He could have stood at any of the many gaps in the balcony where nobody was sitting or standing right next to the glass, why did he have to deliberately arch his body over me?

I still have that feeling in my heart and stomach that I get after something has triggered unpleasant emotions, but I also feel pissed off with myself for not being assertive enough to tell this creep to move and worried that I'm not robust enough to deal with an actual dangerous situation (because this wasn't dangerous, just unpleasant).

I don't know what my aibu reasonable is...
To be pissed off that some men make women so uncomfortable by invading their space, especially when they're forcing their genitals into someone else's personal space..?
To have had this involuntary reaction of being upset and vulnerable..?
To be surprised and disappointed and angry that I wasn't stronger..?

I was masturbated at numerous times on a bus as a teen...I rarely got the bus yet it seemed to be a regular occurrence!

I have had this on the tube. People are all packed in together and usually it's all fine, but there was one occasion in particular where I felt very uncomfortable because I sensed that a man was purposely leaning against me repeatedly. The point at which I really felt certain was (luckily?) my stop so I just got off but I was quite shocked with how angry and violated I felt. I am not sure if I would have felt better or worse if I had confronted him - I would have if I'd being staying on.

Try shouting "Get your groin out of my face" Go for the public shaming factor.

For man-spreaders I lean over them and with a concerned, and very loud voice say "You really should get those looked at, no one's bollocks are that big" I'm a teacher with drama training and I can project the hell out of my voice when the mood takes.

This is one thing I want to teach my daughters that they DO NOT have to accept, and I want them to have some phrases and tactics ready (oy mate - perfect!). In my twenties I remember living in a small flat which went with a job on a farm, and some visiting friends of the owner parked up their camper van outside my bathroom window. I knew they were perving through the window when I had a shower, I could hear them whispering about it. At the time I was mortified and hung towels around the place to stop them seeing in, which makes me feel so sad because now I would stick my head through the window and say "oy you fucking pervs, get a life, move your van"! The benefits of age and experience. I just want my daughters to have that confidence when they are young!

OP I completely get your reaction. I hope you get a chance to publicly shame him for the behaviour.

Anyone wanting to know what they can do if they see someone else in this situation, the Hollaback charity have some ideas.

One suggestion is to ask someone the time. If you think a woman is being harassed, you can just go and ask them the time. If you've misread the situation, it's OK, as asking for the time is socially acceptable, it isn't confrontational so unlikely to escalate a problem, and it means that the victim and perps are both aware of your presence and that someone can see/hear what they're doing.

It's SO hard to know what to do if you're in a situation or observing one, or not sure what you're seeing (sometimes 'catcalling' is just friends messing around). An easy 'in' like that can diffuse a situation. If you really think you're witnessing a woman in trouble, you can ask her the time, then lean in and ask quietly if everything's OK here, and offer to walk along the street with her for a bit (or whatever is suitable).

Horrible OP - good idea to mentally prepare yourself/practice a response in case it happens again. Freezing is an all too common response - please don't beat yourself up about it.

You might find it useful to your processing of this experience to log/share your experience on the Everyday Sexism website:

"The Everyday Sexism Project exists to catalogue instances of sexism experienced on a day to day basis. They might be serious or minor, outrageously offensive or so niggling and normalised that you don’t even feel able to protest. Say as much or as little as you like, use your real name or a pseudonym – it’s up to you. By sharing your story you’re showing the world that sexism does exist, it is faced by women everyday and it is a valid problem to discuss."

everydaysexism.com/

You absolutely aren't being unreasonable. It makes me so angry that so many of us have been there.

Kind of similarly to you, I was sat on a train in the aisle seat. We had just left the penultimate station so it was quite clear, lots of space. Looking down at my phone, all of a sudden I see movement out of the corner of my eye. A man was doing LUNGES and thrusting his groin inches from my face. As he was stood and I was sitting, I was at optimal groin - to - face level.
He wasn't wearing gym gear (no obvious "warming up" for something), just in a regular suit and tie. I was FURIOUS. Did I say anything? No. I didn't even look in his direction, just kept looking down at my phone.

I wish I had the confidence to say something. I probably would now I'm in my thirties. That's why the dirty bastards get away with it, they tend to pick on younger women or those they see as vulnerable (such as you, with your young child by your side).

That is a good idea about asking the time KickAss.

Yet another horrible experience related by FunkyChunk. It is unanimous that you are not being remotely unreasonable in your feelings Actually.

A few years ago I was sat on a train and I suddenly realised that the man in the seat in front of me had turned around and he had his head so low and through the gap in the seat he was looking up my skirt. I still remember his smirking face.

Anyway I leapt up in shock and I shouted 'Why are you looking up my skirt?' He turned around quickly but not before two men in seats nearby jumped up and told him to leave the carriage. One of the men walked behind him until he left.

Half an hour later he returned with a long rolled up piece of carpet under his arm and he stood further down the aisle but staring at me. I thought he had a weapon or something in the carpet. The men and now a woman went and got the conductor and thankfully he was removed from the carriage once again.

I was so young, it scares me to think about it even now.

I have also been flashed at twice.

What a creep!! I am noticing so many more of them these days

There's always been loads of them.

True and what's really sad is that when you say sexism is alive and well, many men (who you think should be well aware) disbelieve it. I'd love to see a man deal with half the shot we deal with and then say sexism is dead. If anything it just makes me a bit sad for my lovely dc that perhaps we haven't moved on as much as society likes to think.

Agree gilded I have had a few of these experiences. Well, maybe more that I have forgotten, your first instinct is to freeze and question yourself. Really want to get the book that a pp recommended.