The way this male "space invader" made me feel

[ActuallyMortified]

Watching the kids at their activity earlier - the spectators gallery is always very crowded, many people have to sit on the floor or stand as there's never enough seating. I was sitting on the floor in a corner, next to the glass balcony bit that overlooks the activity hall, side-on to the glass and my back against a wall/pillar.

All of a sudden, this man came over and stood next to where I was sitting and leaned over to rest his arms and chin on the balcony edge - thereby forming an arch over me. To be totally clear, I was then underneath him with his genital area a couple of inches from the side of my face - enclosed by him to the top and one side, the glass panel to the other side, and the wall to my back. The two women in nearby chairs looked at me with a shocked look on their faces, which I returned. After a few seconds, I half got up and said to him "sorry, do you mind, I was sitting there, and it feels kind of weird to have you standing over me". He said sorry and stood up straight, but that was his one concession - so he wasn't literally standing over me any more, but still standing extremely close with his genital area next to my head.

I felt really uncomfortable and vulnerable and humiliated by the positioning. I shuffled forwards on the floor so that I wasn't at his feet any more. I was really surprised at my body's automatic responses then - I felt tears come to my eyes and couldn't help turning away and discreetly weeping a little at how he'd invaded my space and I hadn't been able to adequately stick up for myself. But I also felt too afraid to turn around to look at the rest of the gallery and find a space to move to in case anyone saw my vulnerability and upset. I had to actively focus on staying calm and taking deep breaths - especially because my youngest daughter was with me and much as I wanted an emotional release I wasn't about to lose it in front of her and a packed gallery. He could have stood at any of the many gaps in the balcony where nobody was sitting or standing right next to the glass, why did he have to deliberately arch his body over me?

I still have that feeling in my heart and stomach that I get after something has triggered unpleasant emotions, but I also feel pissed off with myself for not being assertive enough to tell this creep to move and worried that I'm not robust enough to deal with an actual dangerous situation (because this wasn't dangerous, just unpleasant).

I don't know what my aibu reasonable is...
To be pissed off that some men make women so uncomfortable by invading their space, especially when they're forcing their genitals into someone else's personal space..?
To have had this involuntary reaction of being upset and vulnerable..?
To be surprised and disappointed and angry that I wasn't stronger..?

Frogtits I had the exact same thing on a packed bus, except I was 14, and on my way to school, in school uniform

OP your reaction is completely understandable, he was entirely in the wrong and you were absolutely right to stand up for yourself. I don't know if I would've been able to.

I sympathise, i was in a supermarket filling out a lottery ticket so slightly lent over the stand, i heard giggling and male whispering behind me then had my bum grabbed. Spun round in shock to find a boy who looked no older than 10 or 11 stood less than a foot behind me grinning with 3 same aged male friends behind him all looking at me smirking. He made eye contact with me for a few seconds and they all walked off toward the toilets. The security guard a few metres away didn't see it happen and no other customers nearby seemed to have noticed.
I felt completely violated in a personal space but also sexual way but like there was nothing i could say or do because he was a child. He definitely knew what he was doing wasn't ok, and it seemed like it was done as a dare, but him smirking at me afterwards and feeling nobody would take it seriously if i tried to report it to the security guard made me feel so vulnerable. I wandered over to my dad and sister and was so embarrassed telling them what happened but neither acted like it was a big deal. Had it been an adult i would have reported it (it is legally considered sexual assault i believe) but didn't feel i could report a kid. It still plays on my mind a good 5+ months later though i'm sure people will tell me i'm being silly, it's made me feel more vulnerable in general when i go out too.

It's so bloody awful that everyone on this thread has experienced something similar.

Some men are just Pervy feckers this brings me back a few years on a crowded train guy standing behind me too close for comfort I could feel his bits in my back was to mortified to say anything 😳

Sorry to hear of others' awful experiences.

Thank you for being supportive. I thought I might get a mixed response with people telling me to get a grip because he hadn't really done anything so it's been really helpful to get such support.

These are regular weekly classes where you see the same faces all the time (although I can't recall spotting him before) so there's a strong chance he'll be there again. I'm going to take the advice of planning a response just in case it happens again, because I obviously can't rely on this particular guy just behaving decently.

What an asshole. His behavior was all about intimidation and I was feeling grossed out just reading your post.

Public humiliation is probably the only way to go with men like him. Look after yourself!

It seems to be quite common that us women on the receiving end don't visibly react hugely - freezing etc. I think part of it for me is I wish I'd got up and moved before the tears hit. Once the tears hit, I knew I couldn't let anyone see my face because if they did they'd wonder why it elicited such a strong reaction and they'd be wondering what had happened to me in the past. I didn't want people to think of me as a victim. I didn't want to have to explain and justify why it had upset me.

Out fucking rageous. I would have responded in exactly the same way. And I would like to think that had I witnessed a woman becoming upset like that I would certainly not have been thinking she was a victim or had past issues. It is a violation and completely disgusting.

It is very very unpleasant to realise from this one small thread just how many people. including very young girls must be being abused in this foul way every day.

Yuck! Just the thought makes me feel ill. I like to think I would have shouted "Get your dick out of my face you dirty creep!" Or "OMG! Did anyone just see what this guy did to me???" just to humiliate him and get help. I would like to think that there is CCTV footage that can at least get him banned, if not charged. I honestly feel that you need to empower your kids to respond so that they know they can get help. Pity that we over-think when we're in these sorts of situations and only come to accept that we've really been addaulted afterward.

He knew exactly what he was doing. Most women have had a similar run in with a man like this.

I find a weighty rucksack containing my small handbag, drinks, snacks etc is useful for shifting people. I move it to between me and whoever is invading my space swinging it a bit wildly. Works every time.

This is a good solution for travelling on public transport!

He shouldn't have leant over you but after he apologised and stood up straight I'm not sure why people are saying they would have hit him.

I've had the guys spreading on the bus to keep touching. It's so common.

I can say from experience that if you say something and make a scene, the other commuters/people around will give you the dirty looks because you are the one making a scene.

He could have stood at any of the many gaps in the balcony where nobody was sitting or standing right next to the glass, why did he have to deliberately arch his body over me?

This and the fact that other women there noticed and looked visibly shocked and irritated by it would lead me to think that he did it on purpose rather than that he was someone with poor spatial awareness and not much common sense. I would look out for him in future and try to establish whether or not he actually has a child participating in the activity, otherwise I would seriously question why he's there.

I know it's easy to think of the right thing to say after the event and you won't be the first person to be stunned and embarrassed into silence but it would have been great if you could have stood up and loudly asked him why he thought it was in any way appropriate to invade your personal space so unnecessarily? Why was he deliberately positioning himself with his crotch practically in your face, and what the hell did he think he was playing at? Does he get a kick out of intimidating women and making them feel sexually threatened or is he just too simple to understand the basic rules of personal space, in which case should he be allowed out in the community without a chaperone?

I am sorry you had to experience this.

whattodo unless the OP is exaggerating about how close he was, and unless she has particular cultural or religious reasons for expecting/preferring much more space from random men in a public places than most of us would, from the way the OP describes it he still didn't move far enough away even after being asked to.

And it sounds as though he didn't need to stand there in the first place. No adult (without LDs) puts themselves in a position where their genitals are a few inches from someone's face and leans into them without having some awareness that what they are doing is intimidating and/or inappropriately intimate.

This may be a bit related and is a bit of a warning. I told a cop friend about an incident that made me feel uneasy and he said I was right to feel that way and there has been similar reports locally.

I was waiting at a bus stop and was joined by a man, standing a little too close, I felt. His shoe lace was undone and he asked me to tie it because he couldn't because he has a bad back. I didn't want to because of the proximity of my face to his genitals if I did. It felt creepy, so I told him I had arthritis in my hands and couldn't. He swore at me and walked off.

I also remember being at secondary school and a twat of a boy walking past and grabbing squeezing my breast..laughing and walking off..we all knew he was to be avoided and a sleeze ball,the teachers turned a blind eye....all my experiences were like 30 yrs ago, I'd like to think schools would clamp down on boys like this nowadays..

I was upset by what you wrote about the man on the bus Vegan...I would definitely have said something in defence of a young girl. It's very distressing that you were not the only one to example this and that in neither position did anyone do anything to assist. If people aren't prepared to do anything about something that's right in front of them then I can only imagine what it's like when these type of things are going on behind closed doors.

ActuallyMortified report him to the venue today, they should have his face on CCTV. You're not over reacting.

KindDogsTail you probably mean well but sometimes the bus makes people unsteady on their feet. Wearing a spiked shirt isnt a solution; tackling mens behaviour directly is.

"Oy, mate!" As a phrase works for me. I like it for several reasons. It''s bloke language, which defeminises me in that situation. It's universally understood to mean "what the fuck are you doing" but the words aren't confrontational. It's something you can instantly say when uncomfortable no matter the situation, you don't have to have thought of a situation specific follow up straight away..... often an Oy mate can be followed up with a gesture. I say it in my best Sarf London accent which I think I subconsciously feel makes me braver bit also less attractive and more intimidating. Not that I'm particularly attractive but you get the gist. I find it useful for all men prick situations from someone talking in the cinema to parking across my drive to sexual intimidation.

A man groped my arse in rush hour at Piccadilly Circus tube. I turned, pointed at him and shouted what he'd done. Everyone stared at him. He couldn't vanish because he was trapped by the very crowd he'd hoped to exploit. He went very red. He looked sooo embarrassed.

I've had other experiences that I didn't manage to get away from, but that memory still makes me smile.

beelands
Oy! Mate! Is genius! For all the reasons you described it is utterly perfect.

Agree that "Oy mate" is genius. I also like prawn's approach - pointing at the man and loudly saying what they'd done.

I think it's truly awful that women have had so many experiences like this, myself included. These men just get away with it, it would be fascinating/depressing to know true figures of how many women get assaulted in this way every single day.