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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

4 year olds and sex - what the hell?!!

60 replies

QwertyScrewdriver · 28/02/2017 16:58

So about three weeks ago I was with my son on a play date at his friend's house (a girl), they are both 4 and have played together since a few weeks old. They wanted to play together in the friends upstairs playroom. As me and the other mum went back down to get a cuppa she said, out of earshot, 'Play nicely kids, don't have sex' and chuckled. I thought it odd but ignored it as I assumed she had a brain fart and would rather forget it entirely, speaking from experience when I've said something totally awkward and then spend the next 20 minutes replaying it in my head while cringing.
Cut to today and she said in front of her daughter how cross her husband would be if he found out she had a boy in her room alone. THEY ARE 4 YEARS OLD FFS! Then went to great length to explain to her that if my DS had a sleepover he would be expected to sleep downstairs alone (not in any one of their 3 spare bedrooms) as boys shouldn't sleep in the same rooms as girls and if he was in a room near her he might try to sneak in. It's completely out the question anyway as he wouldn't be sleeping over there but it's made me feel really awkward. One of our friends has a DD who slept in the bed when her mum had a baby, as the photos were posted on facebook, so girls are exempt from the rule.
AIBU to feel really put out by it, like she's suggesting my DS or boys in general can't keep their hands to themselves even from this early age? I know the PANTS rule is being pushed now and I wholeheartedly agree with this but is this level of 'protection' really necessary?
(Sorry if I'm not coming across in the right way, I'm in shock!)

OP posts:
April229 · 28/02/2017 17:35

Ridiculous. I assume she hasn't contemplated the idea her daughter may later be a lesbian in which case woukd the female friend also be banished to the downstairs overnight?

I think you should mention that the assumption that she is sharing with her daughter at a really young age that boys of almost any age are likely sexual predictors may terrify her and that it's very early to be thinking like this about either child.

QwertyScrewdriver · 28/02/2017 17:36

It's surely sending the wrong message as it's teaching her DD that she has to be cautious of boys and that it's only boys that could do that.

The irony is that when we go there and DS needs the loo her daughter ALWAYS follows him in, he's often become upset and she'll tell her daughter 'Qwerty's DS doesn't like it when you go in there on the toilet', whereas if it was the other way round I'm sure she'd be saying 'You shouldn't go in there when my DD is on the toilet'

OP posts:
lozzylizzy · 28/02/2017 17:44

When I was a kid it was another girl that decided to squeeze our bits when we were hiding in a sleeping bag! She was squeezing her nose when I punched her in it.

To be honest I have always found its primary school girls that push the boyfriend/girlfriend sort of stuff imo! (Not saying all girls!)

QwertyScrewdriver · 28/02/2017 17:45

I spoke to DM about this and I said her DD is going to end up completely rebelling as a teenager or think how brilliant it is that she's managed to trick her parents into letting her 'friend' sleep over when actually its her girlfriend.

OP posts:
QwertyScrewdriver · 28/02/2017 17:51

I remember being in primary, must have been about 8, and being a 'bridesmaid' for my friend who got married to her boyfriend in the playground. She was very developed for her age as she started puberty early and she went to the cloakroom to 'make a baby' which was actually letting him touch her boobs so you may have a point there lozzylizzy. However at that age we'd already discussed in school the difference between boys and girls and started to touch on the subject of babies. No way would I ever dream of suggesting something like this of 4 year olds!

OP posts:
brasty · 28/02/2017 17:53

Children do play at this age - show me yours and I will show you mine. That is very common. Is it that she wants to avoid?

MewlingQuim · 28/02/2017 17:54

WTF Confused

My 5y DD and unrelated friend's 5y DS share a bath together. FFS they are far too little to think like that.

And I'm a child abuse survivor so I am paranoid as fuck with regards to DD's safety.

iogo · 28/02/2017 18:14

Are they 2nd or 3rd generation travellers? Might explain her view.

randomer · 28/02/2017 19:43

thin skating on ice are you

QwertyScrewdriver · 28/02/2017 19:50

No iogo

OP posts:
zeeboo · 28/02/2017 20:00

Arainyday you wouldn't have unrelated CHILDREN in a bath??? As in, non sexual, perfectly innocent tiny children? Good grief. My kids have always bathed with their friends when on sleepovers or we've been babysitting. There is no difference at all as to what blood runs through their veins or what DNA they have.

Liara · 28/02/2017 20:15

We had a friend who made comments like this about his dd and our ds when he was about 6 or 7. We very much started to limit contact after that, tbh, don't want his hangups to affect our dc.

Not surprisingly, his hangups are many and varied.

foxyloxy78 · 28/02/2017 20:57

The woman is bonkers.

DixieNormas · 28/02/2017 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seventhgonickname · 28/02/2017 21:20

My dd is still having mixed sleepovers(13)we just go for the safety in numbers approach now.She shared beds with boys at your son's age and older ,we never thought about it twice.

LegosAndSkiing · 28/02/2017 21:27

Well... as others have said, I wouldn't be taking my son there again.

I still can't get my head around why she said that to two four year olds, it would bug me out.

QwertyScrewdriver · 28/02/2017 21:29

Glad it's not just me over thinking it! I will definitely be cooling off now.

OP posts:
ChoudeBruxelles · 28/02/2017 21:31

She's very inappropriate. I'd be offended if someone suggested my ds couldn't he trusted to be in the same room as a girl (he's 10). We have friends to stay regularly and their daughters sleep in his room. This might not continue as they get older but for now it's fine.

oblada · 28/02/2017 21:40

She's a nutcase! My DD has a very close friend who is a boy and as much as we do laugh about them going upstairs together etc, they are 5yrs old, I really wouldn't worry about it or suggest anything like your 'friend' has! And indeed as suggested by pp if this is how she views kids then she needs to be 'fair' and act in the same way with girls and boys; her DD may decide she prefers girls after all!!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 28/02/2017 21:49

As wrong as it is, is it possible she was 'joking' and thinking you would find it funny? I only say this as I know someone who used to make the same kind of remarks about kids and their friends. She thought it was funny rather than it actually being malicious/serious/sexist.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman · 01/03/2017 06:28

It's so sad that she's coming out with this and I really think something must have gone on for her to think it's acceptable. Strange that her DH feels the same way though.

DD's best friend is a boy. They're 6, almost 7 and have regular sleepovers, sleeping in a nest I make for them in the floor. They love it. It's entirely about friendship and it's healthy.

VestalVirgin · 01/03/2017 09:36

With child sex abuse, it's usually best to err on the side of caution. Better to have a 100% chance of nothing untoward happening than to "only" have a 99% chance

Yeah, but then why leave the children alone together and tell them "Don't have sex"?

That's so weird.

I'd get it if she was just paranoid, but then she'd use appropriate language, wouldn't she?

This is very strange. I'd tell her that it is in fact improper to imply that 4 year olds would have sex if left alone, and if she is so worried about her daughter, she shouldn't do that.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 01/03/2017 10:30

I don't think at 4 I even knew what sex was Confused

It's a creepy thing to say and completely inappropriate.

brasty · 01/03/2017 10:50

Only sexually abused children will do anything sexual. But show me yours and I will show you mine, is natural at this age.

LegosAndSkiing · 01/03/2017 10:57

But show me yours and I will show you mine, is natural at this age

Natural at age 4? I never remember saying that to anyone or anyone saying that to me, I have a 5 year old and I'm pretty sure he hasn't said that to anyone or have they said it to him.

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