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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think encouraging GC to judge others' appearance is just vile?

38 replies

parentsvsPIL · 27/02/2017 23:01

Have moaned about this before... but dear bloody mother has stepped it up a lot recently. She has always been monumentally judgy and bitchy about other people's taste and appearance. She loves nothing more than a good bitchfest with someone about how awful someone else looks. Generally my sister is very happy to oblige...

"D"M has always encouraged my 8yo niece to join in, because apparently this is how you teach taste and glamour - because girls do need such things of course. 8yo niece has made comments about relatives (in front of them) about how ugly and badly dressed they are - my mother thought this was too cute for words, sister thought it was hilarious, when I said it was unpleasant and not something to be encouraged, DM and DSis rolled their eyes, DF said "she just says what everyone's thinking" and DN told me I was angry because I'm ugly and badly-dressed too. At which DM, Dsis and DF all roared with laughter and said "touché!"

DM has now stepped it up bigtime as my baby DS is conventionally "pretty" and gets lots of comments about his big blue eyes, ong eyelashes, pink cheeks, fluffy blond hair - DM and DNiece now constantly comment that he is going to be embarrassed by his mother unless I start wearing makeup and dressing better, that he is prettier than I am, etc. DF agrees with them.

This isn't new behaviour, but it's very ugly to watch DN being encouraged so much - and I can see DM is going to drag it into future relations with DS/me.

FWIW my appearance-related sins involve not wearing makeup, tying my hair back rather than having flowing locks for DS to pull, and wearing jeans, tshirts and fleeces a lot. I don't have issues with personal hygiene, I exercise, I am a healthy weight, etc.

Sad
OP posts:
andontothenext · 27/02/2017 23:07

Uhhhhhhm I think you'd do better if you reduced contact with people like this

MyGastIsFlabbered · 27/02/2017 23:10

Easier said than done but I'd reduce contact, if they ask why I'd tell them exactly why, that judging people on appearances is superficial, and making derogatory comments about someone's appearance in front of them shows a shocking lack of manners and that you want your DS to be brought up better than that.

But as I said, easy for me to say when it's not my family.

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 27/02/2017 23:13

Yep. Already low contact, just venting on here as every contact (brief and once a week or less) involves this sort of thing.

OP posts:
LoupGarou · 27/02/2017 23:21

I agree with reducing low contact, perhaps once per year? It is vile, YANBU at all.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 27/02/2017 23:24

Wow, they may think looking good is important but they're really fucking ugly inside.

I'd not be able to keep my mouth shut so definitely low or no contact.

Ohyesiam · 27/02/2017 23:24

Op, they sound vile. Once a week is a lot of time to spend with such toxic people, is there anything positive you get from seeing them?

Beeziekn33ze · 27/02/2017 23:26

Horrible behaviour, especially adults teaching it to your niece. What shallow people.

Atenco · 27/02/2017 23:37

Oh I'm a great one for the benefits of family, but I wouldn't want any child of mine around those people. How awful.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/02/2017 23:37

I would recommend that see them once a month for an hour from now on, gradually reducing it, with the end goal being "Hallo, here are your Xmas cards, see you next year"

Let them get on with it, but dont allow your poor child to be in this environment.

DorcasthePuffin · 27/02/2017 23:39

God, that poor child.

I have to ask, though: how on earth did you turn out so refreshingly normal and sensible, OP?!

NoCapes · 27/02/2017 23:40

Once a week isn't low contact, reduce it more, much more - they sound like twats

MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2017 23:40

Once a week is still wuote a lot of contact...

MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2017 23:40

*quite

ohfourfoxache · 27/02/2017 23:43

Once a week is a lot of contact when you put up with poison.

Don't feel guilty if you want to withdraw much, much more

badtime · 27/02/2017 23:44

Once a week is not low contact. Once every few months would be low contact.

annandale · 27/02/2017 23:46

God they sound horrible. But I'm not a fan of 'going NC' unless there really is no alternative. It sounds like you are potentially a good influence on your DN. So fight back.

'What a very ugly thing to say'.
'It's a shame you say such unpleasant things sometimes, your face goes all twisted when you do'.
'Sometimes I wonder why I'm a feminist and then I spend time with you lot!'
'Well, I don't look groomed like you, but then I spend a lot more time on my garden than you do and you've never objected to eating my produce.'
'Yes, well done on spending a fortune on colouring your hair for twenty years. How's your pension?'
'Niece, I am really proud of you when you show a beautiful personality and appreciate people for their good qualities'.
'Niece, I'm babysitting, let's watch He Called Me Malala'.

MiddleClassProblem · 27/02/2017 23:47

I would just see them for things like birthdays and Christmas.

I would consider once a week as high contact!

MummaBear14 · 27/02/2017 23:51

You shouldn't have to put up with this, and I certainly wouldn't. Once a week is too much, and before long your DS will think this is the normal as he is exposed to it so much. You either need to stop going as often, so once every few months instead, and teach your son about the beauty of others - so he knows they are chatting rubbish. Or stand up and tell them you won't tolerate this talk around your son and they need to stop or you won't be returning. Personally I think I'd do both.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2017 23:52

parentsvsPIL once a week is not low contact, it is frequent in my book, at least.

Sit down with your mum and tell her you are offended by her rude behaviour which is really very unpleasant, and you are appalled that she has encouraged your sister and niece down this route. It is shallow, and vacuous. Tell her her niece's attitude may make her unpopular at school. Just as the attitude your mother is displaying is putting you off seeing her or allowing her access to your child.

Then sit down and do the same with your sister.

Then see less of them. Unless you like being insulted and you want your son to grow up catching onto their stupid views.

When you do see them, if they start up with their rude comments I'd walk out of the room, make a cup of tea, go to the loo, or simply yawn loudly and say can you give it a rest.

I think your mum and sister sound awful and I wouldn't want them to do to my son what they have done to your niece.

Jenniferb21 · 27/02/2017 23:52

I tell my son every day before bed 'you are kind, you are smart, you are important' I have ever since he was born. It's the last thing I say to him every day. (I heard a similar phrase on a film and always remembered it). I think it's incredibly important to teach children that beauty is on the inside and how we treat others and value people is how we are judged and should be judged.

I would limit contact to less than once per week and wpuld confront them I would say I don't want my DC around if you have to share judgmental and negative opinions based on people's looks as it will teach them to be shallow.

I would have to confront them otherwise it's sort of accepting their behaviour I'm sure you have done this already though OP. You sound like a very level headed lovely person thank goodness children around you have a good role model.

X

MusicIsMedicine · 27/02/2017 23:54

Fuck that. Tell them straight that these appalling comments and bringing you down in such a disrespectful manner in front of children is not on. Get these arseholes out of your life.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2017 23:55

annandale great advice...

"'What a very ugly thing to say'.
'It's a shame you say such unpleasant things sometimes, your face goes all twisted when you do'."

and especially...

"'Niece, I am really proud of you when you show a beautiful personality and appreciate people for their good qualities'.
'Niece, I'm babysitting, let's watch He Called Me Malala'."

Blacksheep78 · 27/02/2017 23:56

Once a decade would be far too much contact IMO.

PuddleJumper01 · 28/02/2017 00:00

OP - do you want your DS to grow up thinking that what's important is how his future partner and future DC look like???? You CLEARLY don't, and no one rational would either.

Your instincts to give your DS good role models are absolutely right. THIS can be the excuse you give to your vacuous relatives. Touche! (can't do the accent on my machine, which slightly spoils the effect, but hope it works well enough!)

maggiecate · 28/02/2017 00:06

This is one of those 'I can put on lipstick and a dress but you'll still be ugly inside' situations. They must be horribly insecure to be so judgemental about others looks.

Cut down on the time you spend with them - no point being around people whose only goal is to make you feel crap.