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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent DH's liftshare?

72 replies

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 15:13

He shares with 2 colleagues. They're in the emergency services, which means they sometimes have to unavoidably stay late. I knew that when I met DH, it's not his fault and I have never given him a hard time for it, but the liftshare (started last spring) effectively triples the possibility of him being stuck late. He should be finishing at 4 today but has just told me he may be 'a couple of hours' late as he's finished but the other two are stuck on jobs. This happens all the bloody time and I'm sick of it. I think I am probably BU but I've got an absolutely splitting headache and just want him to come home and take over with DS. Thing is it obviously saves money on petrol, and he enjoys the social aspect, so he won't stop. I'm just fed up.

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 27/02/2017 17:06

Your husband is being unreasonable. Very unreasonable.

If he was single, not an issue.

If he was partnered up without children, less of an issue. Probably not a big deal to do this a fair amount of the time.

But he is partnered up with children. Young children. Who have nursery pick up / drop off issues. A pregnant wife. Who is exhausted because she is being forced to carry the load at the end of long days for BOTH grown ups in the family. This isn't fair or reasonable. Why does he think it's ok to dump his responsibilities and share of the childcare/workload at home on you so he can hang about and wait for/socialize with his friends/colleagues?!?!

Call him on his BS. You are not crazy. He is shirking.

Asshole.

DJKKSlider · 27/02/2017 17:10

I'd suggest he stops the liftshare for the entirety of March, put it to him as if its a test to see how much petrol he's saving in reality.

He shoiukd be keen to find out, if that's the reason he does it. If he continues stayinlate and not coming back when he could, there's some shirking and avoidance of family life going on.

Hateloggingin · 27/02/2017 17:15

User - I didn't say he was obviously having an affair I said there must be a reason for someone to stay unpaid at work for several hours when they don't need to!

ClopySow · 27/02/2017 17:16

For fuck sakes. Why would you needlessly put the idea of another woman in op's head?

Not everything is a massive drama.

Original poster

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 17:16

He's definitely at work- can hear colleagues/ radio in the background, and one of the liftsharers is female but I have no concerns on that score. I think he just likes the chats in the car.

OP posts:

Original poster

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 17:18

He's also now getting fish and chips on the way home, so am feeling slightly mollified. Have found this thread useful as a basis for a slightly firmer discussion about the actual merits of the liftshare, but think things are getting a bit bonkers now!

OP posts:

3littlemonkeys82 · 27/02/2017 17:23

I work in the emergency services, and I lift share, but only with the person who starts and finishes with me... tbh after a 12 hour shift there's not a chance I'd be waiting around for someone who'd copped a late job or ended up out of area, and I don't know anyone who would.

Do you think maybe he feels tied to it if the people he shares with don't have the same responsibilities/reasons to get home as he does?

Foldedtshirt · 27/02/2017 17:28

Good result- don't back down and say 'you didn't have to!'

ParadiseCity · 27/02/2017 17:29

He's getting fish and chips =
OMG he is having a liftsharing 3some with a younger woman involved and now he's taking her to dinner??!!!???!@!??

user1471517900 · 27/02/2017 17:31

Hate you're completely right. I've no idea how anyone would have interpreted your post as the fact he could be having an affair.

JakeBallardswife · 27/02/2017 17:35

Enjoy the fish and chips, leave it a bit until you've eaten and all calmed down a bit then bring it up in a reasoned way.

Don't do as I did yesterday and do the screeching and another thing and waggle my finger type of rant. Not big, not clever and you would've thought after 18 years of marriage that I 've learnt it doesn't work!

Hateloggingin · 27/02/2017 17:39

You a bit thick user? Yes my post could have been interpreted as him having an affair, obviously. However, you said originally that I'd said he was 'obviously' having an affair. I didn't.

SherbrookeFosterer · 27/02/2017 17:40

Buy him a Brompton foldable bike: www.brompton.com

They fit anywhere, when folded, smaller than a set of golf clubs, very light, plus it will keep him fit.

No harm in having a fit husband!

unicorn5629 · 27/02/2017 17:54

Ahh op I'm sorry ! I'd be mad if DH did this, I get cross when he's 15-20 minutes genuinely late leaving work because when you've had a long day at home with your DC however delightful they are, you do begin to crave adult conversation and precious time with DH.

My DH will leave early for work so he can have a nice relaxed coffee before starting and I know a couple of friends DH who do the same... this doesn't bother me so much at 6am, we're not normally up. But if he did something similar regularly when he finished at 9pm... oh I'd be furious !

If you say he's great in every other way just tackle this as gently as you can. Ask him how he'd feel if roles were reversed and you were off on a 2 hour jolly after work instead of helping him with DC ? Sometimes everyone needs a bit of perspective good luck !

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 18:23

Fish and chips and you are a happy bunny again ?

Set your bar far higher than that. A father comes home straight home from work on an average school night and mucks in unless otherwise arranged

If he wants to hang out socialising knowing that you are cracking on with all the grunt work, then invite him to reclaim his single status

wobblywonderwoman · 27/02/2017 18:28

25 mins is nothing.. I wouldn't hang around for two hours after work to save a few pound on petrol... that is madness.

Iflyaway · 27/02/2017 18:34

Can you pick him up? Taxi?

Hardly helpful with a DS in the house.

Anyway, even without kids who would want to go running around picking up a partner by taxi FFS. right, we have no life! or what?!

Iflyaway · 27/02/2017 18:38

One of the reasons It's so beautifully simple being a Lone Parent.

None of these fuckwits around. (Sorry, OP, not being personal, just experience).

Original poster

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 18:48

Not quite AnyFucker, but I'm taking it as the nice gesture it was intended to be. Plus he's agreed we need to talk about it, and he's now gone off to sort DS out and put him to bed. He's not a dick, just sometimes a bit thoughtless (like we all are) and I dont think he really realised how much this was pissing me off until today.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 19:07

Then make sure he "fully realises"

I had to put dh straight about a couple of things like this when the kids were little

Don't accept this shoddy behaviour. If he can't put his family before his colleagues then there is something wrong

NavyandWhite · 27/02/2017 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomster101 · 27/02/2017 20:19

I think that some with young children hang around at work longer than they need to to get out of cooking tea and other jobs when they get home. My guess is that your DH is one of those people. He is being very unfair.

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