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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent DH's liftshare?

72 replies

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 15:13

He shares with 2 colleagues. They're in the emergency services, which means they sometimes have to unavoidably stay late. I knew that when I met DH, it's not his fault and I have never given him a hard time for it, but the liftshare (started last spring) effectively triples the possibility of him being stuck late. He should be finishing at 4 today but has just told me he may be 'a couple of hours' late as he's finished but the other two are stuck on jobs. This happens all the bloody time and I'm sick of it. I think I am probably BU but I've got an absolutely splitting headache and just want him to come home and take over with DS. Thing is it obviously saves money on petrol, and he enjoys the social aspect, so he won't stop. I'm just fed up.

OP posts:
Creampastry · 27/02/2017 15:43

He's taking the piss. What does he do for the two hours he is kept waiting?

Original poster
CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 15:44

Thing is it only actually affects us 2 days out of 10, when he works earlies. I might ask him if he'll just stop lift-sharing those days. If he wants to carry on getting home at 4am rather than 2am after a late I suppose it's his lookout.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 15:48

I wonder why he hasn't thought of that solution himself Hmm

Skooba · 27/02/2017 15:58

I can see it might be great to let off steam to colleagues on the way home each night.

I suggest finding out who the others are that he shares with. Perhaps two young singles? or someone who wants to avoid being at home for some reason or other, Or someone else with a partner like you who is sick of the erratic time keeping.
It might provide ammo for you to expect him to do this less.

SoupDragon · 27/02/2017 16:18

so it sounds like he is also gaslighting you

No it doesn't.

IamFriedSpam · 27/02/2017 16:19

Surely he likes hanging around at work, chatting to his mates or reading his phone. NO way would anyway have a lift share that risked having to wait around for 2 hours unless they actually like hanging around.

PrivatePike · 27/02/2017 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 27/02/2017 16:23

YANBU.
This is not on at all. Entitled fucker.
He's a shite dad and husband.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 27/02/2017 16:24

Me too soup. Think someone is playing MN Bingo.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 27/02/2017 16:26

I'd be furious tbh...and am a police wife...dh knew there was never a problem with overtime/emergency cover, but once they started buggering about with shift patterns cos "oh it's christmas" or "ooh look we have no officers to cover for this massive football fixture that's been in the planning for 18 months"
It's a difficult enough life as it is without him adding to the idiotic, unnecessary dilly dallying and chaos and not being home when he is supposed to be.

TreeTop7 · 27/02/2017 16:27

Lift shares exist for the sake of efficiency and convenience. I don't see much evidence of either in this scenario. Most people would now explain apologetically to the other two that they're pulling out of the arrangement because it's not working out. I wonder why your DH is resisting this sensible course of action.

EllaHen · 27/02/2017 16:29

It's going to be 100% YANBU, or rather 100% he is BU. So, you are not crazy and you evidently do understand.

Do you fancy this resentment building up and increasing when dc2 arrives? Then, it's time it stops.

BeyondThePage · 27/02/2017 16:37

Is he the one driving on those days?

hearyoume · 27/02/2017 16:40

I was already going for a YANBU but then I saw you have a DS so YADNBU!! Some days I can't wait for DH to come home and give me a break. Staying late for the sake of a few quid would be a no no.

GirlElephant · 27/02/2017 16:42

He is being unreasonable to you & DC for missing out on family time needlessly.

I would also imagine FIL does. It appreciate short notice calls!

Original poster
CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 27/02/2017 16:46

I feel slightly bad now as he's just phoned to say he's on his way back - he's got someone else who's having to stay to give the other two a lift home. I do think we need to have a proper chat though about the long-term (non)viability of this arrangement, as you're all quite right that this is neither convenient nor efficient.

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 27/02/2017 16:49

When DH was a copper he lift shared quite a bit, but only when it suited the whole family. It is really hard being married to a shift worker when you have small children/are pregnant/both. You have lots of sympathy from me. I remember being ill and pregnant with a toddler and weeping down the phone to DH. He got his Sgt to give him a lift home at break time and the pair of them cleaned up vomit then went back to work. Envy

Viviennemary · 27/02/2017 16:51

I'd agree that he is using the time to socialise and is not in a great hurry to get home. That must be really annoying that he moved closer to work but is instead having to drive further to drop off his workmate.

Hateloggingin · 27/02/2017 16:52

Is either of the lift sharers female? Sorry but this sounds so weird there must be a reason he wants to stay and not get paid... Either he's using the time to avoid family responsibilities or there's another reason surely...

RedAndYellowPeppers · 27/02/2017 16:56

Why do you feel bad about telling him exactely the effect his lift sharing has on you?
It's all well and good to help people but when it also impacts on other people, such as your spouse or youR father, then surely you have to take that into account??

Im also wondering what the heck he is doing at the hospital for two hours. I wouldn't have thought this was a nice environment where you could relax TBH.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 27/02/2017 16:57

And if he is socialising during those two hours, then he will have to realise he can't socialise when t has such a big impact On other people.
What is he going to do when yu will have the same unsocial hours?

starfishmummy · 27/02/2017 16:58

I was just wondering if he actually is at work during these hours when he is allegedly just waiting around.

NavyandWhite · 27/02/2017 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drspouse · 27/02/2017 17:03

Are there parking issues? We are always being encouraged to liftshare even though the traffic is moderately bearable, it is very hard to park at work. Trouble is, like your DH people who drive from my part of town don't have the same working hours as me and those who have the same working hours are miles out of my way.

user1471517900 · 27/02/2017 17:06

ticks off affair accusation

So he's a controlling, awful husband and dad who gaslights his wife and is having an obvious affair.

Or a quick chat about how this was really daft and he should avoid lift shares when he could get home quicker.