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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm BU but can't help it. Dp and new hobby.

45 replies

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 12:42

Dp has taken up a new sport as a hobby. I've actually been encouraging to do this for some time, as he works really long hours and never really gets time to himself to let off steam.

The only drawback is that Sunday is the only day of the week we get to spend together and now he's out of the house from around 10am to at least 3pm. He works really long hours on Saturdays and now he's going to be gone half the Sunday as well.

I know everyone will say I should just find things to fill my time and I can easily do that, but I miss himSad I don't want to make a big deal of it because everyone is allowed a hobby after all. AIBU to feel the way I do? I don't see him as much as I would like to start with due to his long hours (he gets a day off during week too, but it's a day I'm at work) and now I'm going to be seeing him even less.

Feeling pathetically abandoned and I'm going to have to put a fake smile on when he gets home and pretend I'm fine.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/02/2017 12:44

Cycling? Not much you can do I don't think. Can you do it with him.

Original poster
Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 12:50

Thank fully not cycling😉

I can't really do it with him. It's a rough, high contact sport and rather manly. My dp is the opposite of manly but totally obsessed by said sport!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/02/2017 12:52

Rugby? Why don't people say what it is? Is it that secret?

Thattimeofyearagain · 26/02/2017 12:52

Rugby?

ProudBadMum · 26/02/2017 12:53

Is it lacrosse? Grin

I hate the word Hobby because of MN. It's like secret code

Original poster
Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 12:53

American football.

I cannot see myself donning my shoulder pads and joining inGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 12:54

I wish it was lacrosse. I could probably give that one a goGrin

OP posts:
ProudBadMum · 26/02/2017 13:00

On the matter of how you feel, you aren't unreasonable to feel like that. Could he skip a Sunday every other week and spend it with you?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/02/2017 13:02

Phwoooaaarrr just sat here imagining my DH in American football gear. CHRIST. I'd be down there like a shot, watching him from the touchlines.

I understand how you feel but YABU. He's keeping fit and doing something he enjoys. He's not out until 10 and back at 3, that's really not that bad. I'm sure if you arranged something for a Sunday every once in a while he would skip the football.

Otherwise I'd be down at the football ground, watching his tackle through binoculars.

RoboticSealpup · 26/02/2017 13:03

everyone is allowed a hobby after all

If it takes up the only day you have together? No I would not want my DH to have a 'hobby' then. But he wouldn't do that anyway because he wants to spend tone with me too.

RoboticSealpup · 26/02/2017 13:04

*time

Original poster
Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 13:06

Trouble isn't he won't improve if he skips weeks. I'm sure he would slip it for something important though.

Haha ShowMePotatoSalad. You're welcome to go down in my place?😉

OP posts:
ProudBadMum · 26/02/2017 13:07

Go down then to pub afterwards. Best Sunday in my opinion.

do you have kids?

Original poster
Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 13:08

See I do feel a bit like that RoboticSealpup.

It's really out of character for him tbh. He normally values time with me above everything else. I'm not enjoying suddenly being second best and having to pretend I don't mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 13:09

No kids. We're starting IVF treatment soon though, so I'm feeling very vulnerable at the minute.

We can't drink due to the fertility issues, so pub has somewhat lost it's appeal.

I could frankly murder a drink!!

OP posts:
Happinessisthis · 26/02/2017 13:10

My husbands hobby takes up 2 evenings and a Saturday all day. With my job and his job working round each other, we literally never see each other. We have 2 kids and is getting me down forever being on my own. Yanbu
When does the season end? DH ends in April so I get him back for a few months (or at least until pre season)

ProudBadMum · 26/02/2017 13:11

Go for a meal afterwards or something of your choice? After 3 isn't late tbh.

You aren't second best. He just has found something he enjoys. My partner goes to football twice a week after work and we have a baby.

My hobby is the pub so I do that when I can with friends Grin

Is there anyone you can meet up with? Maybe partners of the other players?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 26/02/2017 13:13

Otherwise I'd be down at the football ground, watching his tackle through binoculars

Do meat and two veg look better wrapped in footie kit than they do out of it? Confused

ladyvimes · 26/02/2017 13:14

Start a cheerleading squad? Grin

madcapcat · 26/02/2017 13:16

Ladyvimes beat me to it!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/02/2017 13:18

Very haven't a clue...it was, in fact, a joke! Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2017 13:19

I did ivf. No way would I be ok with dh unavailable every single day. He wants you to put your body through some pretty massive shit and he isn't ever there. What kind of partnership and parental roles do you see once the baby is born if your treatment is successful?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/02/2017 13:24

💐 You're not being at all unreasonable to feel like that, it's the only day you both have off work.

However, you muppet, you encouraged him to do it! 😁

I'd play the long game on this one. Suck it up for this season, go out - see friends, visit national tryst properties, start cycling, take up mud wrestling...whatever interests you. Do not appear to be 'at home' simply waiting for him to come back. It's a bugger about the 'no alcohol' (but all for the greater good - Good Luck!). He will miss you more if you're not quietly waiting at home, but out having fun too. Then at the end of this season revisit it & see whether both of you think it's a great idea for either of you to do an activity that is on the only day you have together. In my opinion, it's not. It's all very well people saying it's only 10-3, but it totally screws up 'a day out'.

DistanceCall · 26/02/2017 13:25

CrossFit, I imagine.

You sound a bit smothering, to be honest.

RedAndYellowPeppers · 26/02/2017 13:26

Actually YANBU.
The issue here isn't that he is having a hobby. As you said yourself, it's very good for him to exercise and let off steam.
The issue is that there is nothing left for your couple, no time together. It happens that you are the one to feel it now but I suspect that if you are not careful, it will be very easy for you two to drift away from each other.
It is normal to want to spend time with your spouse. Actually you should WANT to spend time with your spouse.
I personally don't include time during the week because it's easily cooking meal, a but tidying up and collapsing on the sofa. Not really the stuff to communicate and be intimate (not in the sexual sense but in the sharing sense).
If you are able to do that during the week (unlike me), then insusoect itnwould eqaier to not see your DH at the weekend.

But I would still atill raise the issue with him and see if it's possible for him to do just morning or PM or have some Sundays off etc...

To those who are saying 'you can't do anything about it anyway. It's his choice' I fully agree.
That means that guy is also fully choosing to not see his spouse. It means he is assuming that his partner I happy in a re
Ationhsip where there is little communication/connexiontime spent together. Nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with someone who wants to spend a lot of time with their partner, do lots things together etc... the issue is the assumption and not beingbsurevthatbthis is something that your partner will be happy with.
If they're the type of wanting plenty of time together, then they are signing their divorce papers iyswim.