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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I'm BU but can't help it. Dp and new hobby.

45 replies

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 12:42

Dp has taken up a new sport as a hobby. I've actually been encouraging to do this for some time, as he works really long hours and never really gets time to himself to let off steam.

The only drawback is that Sunday is the only day of the week we get to spend together and now he's out of the house from around 10am to at least 3pm. He works really long hours on Saturdays and now he's going to be gone half the Sunday as well.

I know everyone will say I should just find things to fill my time and I can easily do that, but I miss him I don't want to make a big deal of it because everyone is allowed a hobby after all. AIBU to feel the way I do? I don't see him as much as I would like to start with due to his long hours (he gets a day off during week too, but it's a day I'm at work) and now I'm going to be seeing him even less.

Feeling pathetically abandoned and I'm going to have to put a fake smile on when he gets home and pretend I'm fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 13:33

Smothering because I'm upset I won't get a single day a week with my dp? Hardly!

I'm strongly considering the making myself unavailable in return thing. I know he expects me to be home when he gets back. I might have to give him a shock

Mummyoflittledragon. I do feel his timing of taking up this hobby is a bit off. He's looking for a new job with less hours atm though, so can be around more if by some miracle this IVF works. To be fair it's not his fault he works such long hours. It's fairly low paid so he has no choice than to put the graft it.

Not sure when season stops actually. I'll have to check.

OP posts:

RedAndYellowPeppers · 26/02/2017 13:34

Btw for those saying 3.00pm isn't late.
I would want to ask, what are you going to do at 3.00pm on a Sunday?
Go for a walk together? Go to a town and visit/shop/have a Coffee? Visit a museum?
Tbh apart from maybe the cinema or a meal, I can't see anything you can do from 4.00pm onwards on a Sunday.

If you had to that that, hopefully soon, the op will be pregnant and will then have a child, when does it leave any time for her?

Btw, is itnpossible that doing that sport is an escape route for your DH from all the stress of the IVF? something to do that has nothing to do with IVF, a nice to way todestress and a nice avoidance technique to spend time with you (as this will be constant reminder of all the difficulties you are going through atm)

ProudBadMum · 26/02/2017 13:35

He's looking for another job so that will free up some time. Try find something for you to do.

Original poster

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 13:45

RedandYelloePeppers. I really don't think it's an avoidance technique, but I have been quite taken aback. He normally prefers time with me above everything else, so it's quite a shock.

Initially I told him to go for it, but for some reason I assumed it would be just an hour or two on the Sunday morning. I didn't think it would take him out of house until after 3pm.

We don't really spend quality time together during week as he's usually tired from work. Sunday is our only real day together. It's so true what you said about options for things to do being limited by late afternoon. Thank you for being so understanding.

ProudBabMum. I can easily find things to do. That's not the issue. I want to spend time with my dp though. It's kind of a side effect of really loving someone

OP posts:

Sunnyshores · 26/02/2017 13:51

From your DHs point of view, I expect he thinks you positively encouraged him to do it (you said you did) and was probably initially suprised by your genorosity in 'allowing' him to do it on your only day together.

IME DH dont seem to think about consequences, or revist a decision made, so he wont realise that now youre having second thoughts, that IVF changes things, that you dont have any time together .... He needs to be told how you feel and before he starts.

Wellitwouldbenice · 26/02/2017 13:59

Peppers is spot on. Ask him when IS going to be your quality time together? Fine if he wants to do his 'hobby' but he needs to put some effort into redressing the balance somehow. Be frank and clear and tell him what you expect. You do need to sort this out now before you have children.

Original poster

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 17:51

We talked and he said he won't do it if I don't want him too. Which pretty much makes me out to be the bar person if I stop him

I don't want him not to go. I just want us to not have a single free day with each other! Not quite sure how to play it yet, so I'll bide my time for now.

He was actually back just after 2pm today so not too bad. However he has mentioned an all day tournament which is coming up soon. That escalated quickly

OP posts:

Original poster

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 17:51

Bad person even

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 26/02/2017 17:59

"Smothering because I'm upset I won't get a single day a week with my dp? Hardly!*

He's back at three. He works very long hours, and seems to need a way to let steam off. I assume you see each other every day, and you can spend the rest of Sunday with him.

He should probably find a job with shorter working hours. And you could ask him to come back a bit earlier and have lunch with you. But asking him to spend THE ENTIRE DAY with you because you're feeling bored/alone is not reasonable, IMO.

Original poster

Isthismummy · 26/02/2017 18:20

Sorry distancecall but we will have to disagree on this one. Yes I see him everyday, but usually not for long and he's always knackered. Sunday was the only day we had quality time for each other and I used to look forward to it all week. Now I've lost another four hours a week with him and yes I'm upset.

I'm not asking him to spend the day with me because I'm bored and alone. I've got plenty of ways to fill my time. I want to spend time with him because I love him and I think a relationship needs quality time. My quality time is now limited to 3pm onwards on a Sunday and it doesn't feel great.

OP posts:

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 26/02/2017 18:21

Cheerleading lessons then you can surprise him?!

Londonjam · 26/02/2017 19:05

I really feel for you - this is a tough situation. You want them to be happy fit fulfilled but weekends are so precious, especially when he works on a Saturday.

My DH has often hankered after getting back into rugby but hasn't on the basis that it would take up too much weekend time. He also works weird shifts - his roster changes from month to month so he is not guaranteed to have weekends off at all.

We are also struggling with fertility problems so I really sympathise with you - it's an awful thing to go through. How long have you been trying if you don't mind me asking? We're 15 months in and have our initial consultation with the specialist this week. The thought of IVF is daunting but I'm more scared of being told to go away and keep trying to be honest.

With regards to the American football ... I am slightly more of the opinion that he needs a release and reducing stress is important for sperm quality. I agree with others that you do something nice together afterwards.

PussInCoutts · 27/02/2017 01:01

I completely get why you feel sad.

But think of the positives. Him getting fitter should by all likelihood help, not hinder your TTC project (best of luck for that to you both).

I have relatives who never managed to C and it's been said it was possibly due to stress and lack of fitness. Your DP is getting to relax and get fit through sport so that's got to be a good thing.

my advice to you would be to try to find something relaxing for yourself to do on a Sunday. Then you still have half the day to spend together with him.

PussInCoutts · 27/02/2017 01:03

Also my partner works all weekends so... I guess that's why I don't see it as a big deal. If we had DC together I'd definitely want him to stop working Sundays though. But... I'd love it if he could focus on a hobby half of each Sunday and then I'd still get to spend more time with him than I do now.

sibys1 · 27/02/2017 01:34

I'd be saying YANBU if you hadn't encouraged him to start doing it. Still worth chatting with him about it though. How long is the season?

Araminta99 · 27/02/2017 02:08

YABU. 3pm onwards is plenty of time to spend together. You sound clingy, the exercise is really good for him. He is obviously getting something from playing the sport that can't get anywhere else, i.e. during quality time with you. Surely he comes home happy?

DistanceCall · 27/02/2017 08:10

You do say in the title of the post "I know I'm BU but can't help it".

And yes, we'll have to agree to disagree.

Only1scoop · 27/02/2017 08:17

Yes as your title says YABU and you know you are. Enjoy your time to yourself too.

carnationlilyrose · 27/02/2017 08:23

I might be going against the grain here but I definitely don't think you're BU! When the hell are you supposed to get any quality couple time together? Coming home after work and collapsing at home doesn't count. And if you have a baby, that means you'll basically be doing 100% of the childcare with no support. It sounds like he's taking you for granted a bit and I definitely wouldn't be happy starting IVF without having a serious conversation about priorities and practicalities first. You mention he's looking for a new job, which is great - maybe he could put off his hobby until then. Might give him a bit more motivation

ScrapThatThen · 27/02/2017 08:33

I think you're making life a little hard for him, first saying he needs to do something, encouraging this choice and now saying its not working for you. Why not see if you can adjust while he keeps doing it this season, and if you can find more couple time somehow too. If in the future it really doesn't fit with your lives, then it will have to change, but it sounds like a great outlet for now. I understand your feelings though, especially as I know DH comes back worn out, silent and incredibly grumpy after a days sport, so it kind of ruins the evening too usually.

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