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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anonymous report to SS

85 replies

toolaidbackperhaps · 26/02/2017 11:50

Nc for this so not outed.

I received a phone call from the social services department on Friday, following an anonymous report that dd had a black eye.

Dd did in fact have a black eye, which she got my running into her sister playing tag. The man on the phone was lovely, I answered a few questions and he was happy with everything I said, he claimed it matched up with everything the school had said too when he called them and there would be no follow up.

I am not bothered about this at all. I feel in a weird way it's good someone was looking out for my dd, and as it was a genuine accident I know I have nothing to worry about. I'd rather they checked 100 innocent reasons than miss 1 genuine abuse case.

My friend was with me when I got the call and she is really worked up! Said I should be looking in to who reported me, go down and speak to the school to ask them, she thinks it's disgusting that someone thinks I've deliberately hurt my dd. I've told her that's not the case at all and they have to follow up any reports. She couldn't believe I was being so calm about it all and said I was too laid back.

AIBU for not getting more worked up about this? I'm more worried now because of my friends reaction than I ever was about the call itself. How would you feel/react?

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 26/02/2017 12:40

I wonder if your friend was the one who made the call and went over the top in case you suspected that she had made the call?

That was my first thought.

Topuptheglass · 26/02/2017 12:46

Ss won't say who reported you.

I know this to my detriment after being accused of it.

We were all concerned for my nieces & nephews after my sister witnessed their father holding a teenager around the neck. The little girl had bruises on her leg & I asked my sister about them.

A few weeks later she rang me fuming saying I'd reported them to Ss. They had rang her, rang the kids school, got in touch with their doctors/health visitor etc

The upshot was that intervention was needed & received - but I've never been in my sisters house since.

Who cares who reported you, it seems like they did it out of concern rather than malice?

aspen34 · 26/02/2017 12:46

Your approach and attitude sounds just fine and sensible. I'd have behaved similarly I'd like to think. I don't agree with your friend, and wouldn't act on her advice, but understand her feeling defensive and upset on your behalf.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 26/02/2017 12:47

As a teacher, it doesn't follow Protocol for a school referral. We get things like that all the time. I usually casually ask the child, make sure I ask the parent when they drop off or pick up and unless stories don't match then we don't refer it.

The situation sounds like an external complaint e.g. passer by, neighbour, other parent etc. (Not suggesting it was your neighbour of course).

It is lovely that another person was so concerned about that child's welfare that they reported, I would far rather that than (Not my business) and a children could be being harmed. Your reaction is very mature and very sensible. I suggest trying to get your friend to see the other side of it. If she can't I would just ignore her. She may be being a little defensive because she knows you are a fab mum and is appalled that someone could think you would hurt your little one. However the person that referred may not know you personally at all, it could just be someone that noticed.

aspen34 · 26/02/2017 12:48

Wouldn't the friend have known all about the black eye? Why then would then report it?

Original poster

toolaidbackperhaps · 26/02/2017 12:52

Thanks everyone for the replies, I'm glad the general consensus is that ianbu.

My friend definitely never reported me herself, she was here when my dds ran into each other and she generally has a wound up/defensive nature anyway - she was genuinely more pissed off on my behalf.

It was my mobile number that was called rather than my house number which makes me think it was another parent rather than the school as presumably it would have been my house number they gave them; maybe not. My dd is 10 and goes to many clubs and sports and parties, so a lot of parents have my mobile number. I could tell from the number that came up it was a council number so I knew the call was genuine.

Not going to lose sleep over this anyway.

OP posts:

aspen34 · 26/02/2017 12:53

Oops. Why then would she report it

TheFirstMrsDV · 26/02/2017 12:54

I agree with Chocolate. One black eye isn't a massive red flag for NAI. (two are) Kids get them quite often. I would expect someone to ask 'ooh what happened there?' and only refer if they already had concerns and/or the child appeared upset/evasive
Otherwise they would be referring 100000s of children a year for common childhood injuries.

Its good that they check but I am not sure how effective this sort of box ticking exercise is. All you have to do is get your stories straight.

I wouldn't blame anyone for getting very upset at this sort of thing. It can be enormously distressing. Maybe your friend has had something happen to her? It might be bringing up bad memories. Or...she is protesting a little too much?

Anyway..glad you are not upset by it.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 26/02/2017 12:55

I totally agree with you that it's good this was followed up.

That being said, if this happened to me I know that I would waste more time than I should on who it might have been who flagged it up. Stupid I know, but I'd be devastated that anyone could have thought I'd hurt my dc.

Pollyanna12345 · 26/02/2017 13:12

I'm pretty sure if it were a neighbour SS would contact the parent directly, discuss all their concerns before getting written persmission to contact school / GP
I'm sure I've seen threads on here that outline they can't actually start making contact with other people until they've got that authorisation from the parent so that's what made me think the referal came from school.
That's not to say the school were worried, but it could have been another parent brought it to the schools attention and was concerned and then they're duty bound to investigate.
At 10 im quite amazed they didn't just speak to her though

Original poster

toolaidbackperhaps · 26/02/2017 13:16

I asked her if any teachers had asked about it and she said her class teacher bumped into her and thought she herself had hurt dds eye. Dd laughed and said she bumped heads with her sister but that's the only person she said mentioned it. Not probing her any more.

OP posts:

Pollyanna12345 · 26/02/2017 13:24

The teacher bumped into her and thought she had caused a black eye??
It sounds to me as if the teacher was concerned tbh and referred it on

Pollyanna12345 · 26/02/2017 13:25

Well done for being calm and rational though as its an emotive thing to go through I would have thought

Ginkypig · 26/02/2017 13:26

Your friends reaction is why so many children suffer for far longer than they should (or reach adulthood without any intervention) and why people feel they shouldn't call even when faced with very obvious signs that they should.

We as a society we all should be a safety net for children and feel that if we are ever worried that we should call and be able to trust that the relevant services are able to take the right steps to protect the child if necessary or to do nothing if as in this case it's a normal childhood accident.

I know that it's not always the case that the above works but it should

Pollyanna12345 · 26/02/2017 13:35

Also thinking about it more I guess a 10 year old with a black eye is less likely to have done it accidentally than a toddler so perhaps it's the schools policy to report it anyway
It's worrying kids can't have accidents without people suspecting abuse but sadly this is the world we live in

Merlin40 · 26/02/2017 13:36

Agree with others, sensible response. I wouldn't stress about finding out who reported it, I think it would cause unnecessary distress.

EwanWhosearmy · 26/02/2017 13:55

It is lovely that another person was so concerned about that child's welfare that they reported, I would far rather that than (Not my business) and a children could be being harmed

I'm going to go against the grain here and say it isn't lovely that someone reported. Why wouldn't you speak to the family first? Unless you are clearly the sort of person who would punch someone else for asking, surely nosey parker should have spoken to you first? They clearly knew you well enough to know where you live.

We were once reported to the police for something quite unnecessarily by some nosey cow perfect parent who lived over the road. She was someone from school and could quite easily have come to speak to us but instead she sneakily went to the police. It's a horrible feeling to think people are watching and judging you. The police came round, established there was no reason for them to be there and left.

A similar thing happened when another nosey neighbour reported us to the RSPCA , again without getting the facts from us, and again without just cause.

It's so easy to make an anonymous report. If you are so sure of your facts speak to the person face to face. I don't blame your friend for getting wound up, OP. Perhaps she has suffered the same interference?

Trifleorbust · 26/02/2017 14:02

I would be quite unimpressed with someone who made a SS report without checking their facts in any way. I would want to know who it was as well so I could set them straight. But no-one will tell you so you will have to let it go, I suspect.

WorraLiberty · 26/02/2017 14:09

Yeah because an abusive parent would put their hands up immediately and say, "OK I admit it. I punched my child in the eye"

Bahh · 26/02/2017 14:17

You should link your friend to some articles about Baby P, or Daniel Pelka, or Victoria Climbe. Absolutely heartbreaking, rage-inducing stories of abused children who never had anyone look at them and think "I wonder if they're okay". One call could have saved any of their lives.

Your daughter has a genuine reason for having a black eye but how does a random mum at school who's never spoken to you know that? Or a stranger who lives near the school and saw you walking in with an injured kid?

You're being completely reasonable and your friend is being fussy. I too would rather they asked some awkward questions of 100 innocent families than read another story like one of the children above. You can never be too careful with tiny people.

IamFriedSpam · 26/02/2017 14:17

I agree with you, it could well be someone who doesn't know you at all (e.g. another parent at school who you only see in passing) so they'd have no idea whether or not you're likely to hurt your child (it's not like abusers go round with placards). I always think if in any doubt I'd always just report it factually and if SS don't think it's worth investigating they won't bother, hopefully if they did investigate there'd be an innocent explanation.

IamFriedSpam · 26/02/2017 14:19

Also I'm with Worral I don't have the expertise to approach a family and investigate them for child abuse, they're hardly likely to welcome my interference whether they are good parents or not. Far better to pass it over to SS who have the authority and the knowledge to investigate.

TheFirstMrsDV · 26/02/2017 14:19

bahh all of those children had multiple involvements with SS and other agencies.
If anything, linking to those cases would have the opposite effect on someone who already thinks SS are dodgy.

IamFriedSpam · 26/02/2017 14:21

EwanWhosearmy but in your case no harm was done. The police/NSPCC investigated and found you were fine. If you had turned out to be doing something illegal/cruel your neighbours would have put themselves in a really difficult position because it would have been obvious who had reported.

Trainspotting1984 · 26/02/2017 14:23

Actually I'd be fairly pissed off if this happened to me. Children have accidents, get bruises and injure themselves for mainly innocent reasons. I'd be gobsmacked if someone felt i wasn't the "type " to have innocent reasons and phoned SS, which is rather a big deal.

My friends daughter is a right live wire and frequently has injuries. It has never crossed my mind to phone social services about it

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