To hate that DD blames me/talks badly about me in her sessions?

[triplescience]

Hi...

DD is 17 and is currently at an outpatient eating disorder program.

We have to have family therapy.

DD blames me. She was always obese - she had ankle problems and other weight related health issues. Her GP told her she needed to lose weight from about 13. I then did my best to follow what the doctor had said. I never called her fat or anything along those lines, just tried to follow the GP's advice. Yes I may have fucked up a couple of times. Allowing her sister to get more food than her, etc. but that's as far is it went.

Is she just looking to blame anyone? I hate that her team are probably judging me whenever we go for family therapy!

open saying goes to not about you at all
pp saying it is not about you at all

When my DC went for some counseling because he was unhappy as a teen, I specifically said to him that he shouldn't worry about saying whatever he felt, even if some of it was that he felt i was at fault, or had caused him to have problems. I just eanted him to have help and support to help him be happier. Your DD needs you to see this situation this way; love her, support her, tell her you're there for her. If you feel bad, seek counseling separately ti deal with those feelings, but make parenting your DD a priority. And try to get out if the habit of making bug generalisations like 'she was always obese', which isn't true, or helpful.

Op. Brilliant that you are getting your daughter to family therapy sessions, and that you are doing it too. It's tough and I salute you.

But denying your own role in your daughters relationships with food will not help you. Individual therapy for you may help you work through feelings of denial, guilt and anger and more effectively help your daughters recovery.

Wishing you all the very best

Incidentally OP, are you aware that you seem to be trying to blame your older dd for causing her sister to gain weight in the first place? To the point of obesity. Maybe you need to think about that for a bit as I'm sure she doesn't like carrying the burden of blame any more than you do.

Most of the comments here are kind and reflect my thoughts. Absolutely impossible to be a perfect parent but nearly of us have done what we thought was for the best. And teenagers always blame their parents.

The important thing is that you are supporting her in this therapy and she has a safe place to say what she feels she needs to say.

Id also Echo pp who said you need counselling yourself op as you must have food issues. Otherwise why would your older daughter force feed your younger daughter thinking she would get in trouble for buying food with her dinner money??? are you obese? Is your husband?

DS1 goes to a counsellor fortnightly. Occasionally she invites me in and asks how things are, how he's been at home, bits like that. I know from things DS1 has mentioned (we never probe about what topics he's spoken to her about; it's his private time) that he's told her when I've upset him or hurt his feelings. She asks when we've had a tough week and I try to be as open as possible, too, because I need DS1 to know it's alright to fuck up sometimes, it's alright to admit that it's not been an easy day/week/month. The more open and honest I am with her, the more he gets from his sessions.

I'm ok with it because I know despite losing my shit sometimes I'm a good parent and my DCs are loved, nurtured, protected and mostly happy. I'm ok with him saying that he dislikes me sometimes because I'm not here to be his mate or have a laugh. My ego isn't tied-up in this. Yours needs to not be tied up in your DD's counselling, too.

I couldn't read the whole thread. You absolute bastards, piling in on the op. Live with it. Walk a mile in her shoes and then merrily trot out "it's not about YOU you know", actually mental illness and eating disorders in children and teens affect the whole family, and every person in that family, every person in that family needs support and understanding, and certainly not judgement for daring to voice their own feelings about it!

letsmargarita, quite a few of us have walked in those shoes

when dd first started therapy sessions, dh and I were under suspicion of having caused her symptoms by some form of sexual abuse

later on, the general feeling from each new CAHMS professional- until they got to know us better- was that I had probably caused a significant part of the problem by being an overprotective mum (I am in fact almost horizontally laidback)

it was not easy to sit in those waiting rooms and wonder what questions were being asked behind that door and how dd dealt with them

but dd still needed those sessions and she needed to be able to speak to the therapist

and as a family we all needed dd to get better - because, as you say, the whole family is affected

if dh and I had not been able to summon up the courage to let dd feel that it was absolutely ok to talk about us, then her path to healing might have been delayed, and we would all still be stuck in that hell

Not read all the replies, so this may have been said.

I totally understand how you feel. Of course your daughter needs a place to vent, but that doesn't make it any less painful for you. Those who are judging you and/or implying it is somehow your fault can do one.

All of us- every single one- run the risk of having a child in therapy for some reason or another. As parents, we can only do our best and hope to eventually have a good relationship with our kids.

BUT: Kids/teenagers are predisposed to putting blame for their perceived shortcomings on their parents. Girls with their mother's particularly.

Your daughter's feelings are of course valid, but so are yours OP

I couldn't read the whole thread
I suggest you do.

Inwas a obease kid and adult and i do blame my parents for putting me in this road. They fes me sweets and crap out if guilt of both working 60 hour weeks as treats when we did soend time together ... to make me happy when i cried because i wanted to spend time with them.

They did it to make me happy but it has left a life time of bad relationship with food. Doesnt mean i love them any less or treat them differentky its just how i feel

So while it may be painfull to hear it doesnt mean you cant work through it with her and be by her side showing support and then let her also feel protected and supported by you too