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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate that DD blames me/talks badly about me in her sessions?

87 replies

triplescience · 26/02/2017 09:06

Hi...

DD is 17 and is currently at an outpatient eating disorder program.

We have to have family therapy.

DD blames me. She was always obese - she had ankle problems and other weight related health issues. Her GP told her she needed to lose weight from about 13. I then did my best to follow what the doctor had said. I never called her fat or anything along those lines, just tried to follow the GP's advice. Yes I may have fucked up a couple of times. Allowing her sister to get more food than her, etc. but that's as far is it went.

Is she just looking to blame anyone? I hate that her team are probably judging me whenever we go for family therapy!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 26/02/2017 09:40

Well, no, she wasn't always obese. She was born, and at some point she became obese. Like it or not, as her parent you had a role to play in that.

Andro · 26/02/2017 09:40

*This being blaming you completely

Original poster
triplescience · 26/02/2017 09:41

Trifle Hmm I've already explained why she became obese. What has that got to do with anything anyway? I wasn't asking for advice on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
triplescience · 26/02/2017 09:42

Kennington what? She has anorexia. She's underweight. She is no longer obese.

OP posts:
pringlecat · 26/02/2017 09:43

In the long run, does it really matter whether she blames you or the man in the moon, as long as she feels better and makes changes that help her maintain a healthy weight?

You clearly love her enough to have taken her to these sessions (which by your own admission aren't exactly enjoyable for you to sit through). Rightly or wrongly, it's easy to blame you. All or part of her weight problem might actually be your fault (after all, you were the adult in her life) and even if it's not, she won't be able to push you away permanently by shouting. You love her too much to leave.

Keep an open mind, suck it up and listen. Some of what she says may be unreasonable, some of it may offer a completely different perspective on things that did happen (you both might have interpreted one thing completely differently and yet neither be wrong). Maybe you did mess up. Maybe. But you won't find out unless you listen.

No one is going to judge the mum who took her kid to therapy. They're going to the judge the mum who was asked to and didn't. Hang in there.

Trifleorbust · 26/02/2017 09:43

No, you haven't explained it. You said she was always obese. You said it twice. That is obviously crap. No offence. I am not saying it was all your fault, but you will have had a role to play and it is natural for her to blame you as the parent.

ScrapThatThen · 26/02/2017 09:44

The team will be used to working with the developmentally normal egocentric mindset of teens - they have to listen to that and validate that, not challenge it directly. Are you having sessions together or seperately? I think it would be helpful to share with the team that you are finding it hard to be constantly blamed, even though you understand your daughter needs to be able to say what she is hurting about. One thing doesn't cause an eating disorder, its a complex set of predisposing, precipitating and perpetuating factors. And Mum's have often been there the most, done the most (for good and bad), and are a safer place to locate the blame than anywhere else. (And obesity and overweightness is a complex societal problem, other people were not there and cannot realistically judge).

NormaSmuff · 26/02/2017 09:44

Treating anorexia is a long and complicated process op.
Go with the family therapy.
find an outlet for yourself too.

Original poster
triplescience · 26/02/2017 09:45

I have explained it Hmm her sister used to secretly buy food and give it to her (just so she wouldn't be moaned at for spending her school dinner money on food).

OP posts:
Original poster
triplescience · 26/02/2017 09:45

Trifle for the 2nd time, she doesn't blame me for being obese.

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 26/02/2017 09:46

triple ignore trifle please. dont waste headspace.

Original poster
triplescience · 26/02/2017 09:46

Thanks Norma

OP posts:
NormaSmuff · 26/02/2017 09:47

And Yes op, She is looking to blame anyone.
this is confusing for her too.

Trifleorbust · 26/02/2017 09:47

triplescience: Sorry, I didn't see the clarifying comment. She blames you for her anorexia?

Trifleorbust · 26/02/2017 09:48

NormaSmuff: Bit rude. I haven't been offensive to the OP.

Skooba · 26/02/2017 09:49

It takes a long time to work through stuff before you can have a rational view of what your childhood was and who made mistakes in it. So you end up blaming others (when it could be societal factors, or school, advertising whatever, or traits you have inherited genetically)

No ones' DPs are perfect they are human like everyone else.

I think you have to suck it up.

And it's only when your DCs have children of their own that they appreciate it is no cake walk imv. So try not to take this blaming too hard, DD is working through stuff and hopefully by doing this in the end you will have a good relationship or at least an understanding. 17 is young too, an age when you are self-centred, things should change as she matures.

musicposy · 26/02/2017 09:49

Have you been in touch with B-eat? They run a lot of support groups, some for parents.
It's tough for family in this situation and I think many parents feel judged or that they've failed in some way - which doesn't mean you have. Keep telling yourself you did what you thought was best at the time, and whether those actions turned out to be helpful or not you were doing your best. But your DD has to be allowed to express those thoughts freely and without fear of upset from you.

See if there's a parents support group somewhere near you. They are very good indeed in my experience and it would be worth it even if you have to travel a little way.

www.b-eat.co.uk/support-services

NormaSmuff · 26/02/2017 09:49

calling what she is saying Crap sounds a bit rude to me trifle.
but sorry if i am reading your comment not in the way intended.

Squeegle · 26/02/2017 09:50

It must be awful to go through this. You did your best. It's normal to resent that your best has brought about these feelings in her, but unfortunately that is what you have to cope with. As an adult it doesn't stop hurting, but we are able to be more mature than an adolescent in that we can man up and accept it. So I guess that is your role, to swallow your hurt, your anger, your resentment, and support her so she can make her own choices now.

Very difficult and I don't underestimate your pain, but this is the only way you can help. And ageee with the others it may be helpful for you to have some kind of therapy to help you deal with it.

Good luck Flowers
I don't have the same issues as you but I do have DCs with various issues - many of which they blame me for. It feels unfair as you have always done my best! Just like all of us do

Squeegle · 26/02/2017 09:50

I have always done my best I mean!

LostSight · 26/02/2017 09:51

Was there a reason you didn't stop her big sister? It sounds as if they both had issues around food.

Can you get some separate counselling for you to work through this? I have recently been referred because my teenage son became very angry with me when he was suffering from some MH problems. Looking back, I know I made mistakes, but my counsellor has helped me to put them into perspective because like you, I was doing what I believed was the best thing in a difficult situation.

I think, as parents, we all make mistakes. Life isn't straightforward. Maybe in the sessions, you can try to explain to her why you did whatever she is angry about. You can't afford to be defensive about it though. You have to openly admit that even though you were doing your best, you got things wrong. I know, in hindsight, that I did. Hindsight is a bitch.

Best of luck.

PacificDogwod · 26/02/2017 09:52

Yes, I hope you will have some support too - this is a difficult situation to be in as a mother.
I think you have to find a way to arrive at a position to forgive yourself, to own the fact that (as we all do) there may have been parenting mistakes and move forward from that.
IMO being properly grown up is to no longer blame your parents for everything that went wrong in your life, and equally allowing ourselves to take credit for all the good stuff - you are your own person, as is your DD although at 17 and with ED she will need much more help and support (and time) to come to grips with her issues.

Her therapy is not about you even though of course you are likely to come up. It is about her and her relationship to food as a symptom of whatever issues she has.

It's not about 'blame', it's about unravelling complex often quite hidden mechanisms. You need to be adult here and take it on the chin tbh.
Not easy for any of you, so be kind to yourself Thanks

Shakirasma · 26/02/2017 09:52

You sound very defensive OP, both on here and in the family therapy sessions.

I know it's hard, I'm not good at accepting criticism myself, but for the sake of your sick daughter you really need to make an effort to listen and perhaps accept some of the mistakes you (like all parents) made.

Trifleorbust · 26/02/2017 09:53

NormaSmuff: It wasn't polite but it wasn't offensive either. The girl wasn't 'always obese'. With respect to the OP, if she says that in family therapy, I would expect a poor reaction.

Anorexia is of course a very complex disease and has a host of possible causes. It may have no cause. If the OP's daughter blames her for it, she is probably lashing out for a simple explanation. Having said that, I think it would be helpful for the OP to recognise her possible role in her daughter's difficult relationship with food.

LostSight · 26/02/2017 09:53

Sorry, I see I have crossposted with my question. Flowers

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