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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ungrateful friend? AIBU?

51 replies

Wanttobeanon123 · 25/02/2017 19:43

A friend of mine knew that I had a pregnant friend. The two friends do not know each other.

Friend 1, through me, offered friend 2 a substantial bit of baby related equipment, not cheap. Offer was accepted. I collected the item and passed it on.

Friend 2 did not offer to give anything to friend 1. Am not talking money or anything, but I would have thought a bottle of wine etc would have been offered when I handed the item over . I have actually been so embarrassed about this that I gave friend 1 a bottle of wine and a toy for their baby to say thank you. AIBU?

OP posts:

sonyaya · 25/02/2017 19:44

Well I understand where you're coming from. Friend 2 should have sent a card or something (assuming she got item for free).

EssentialHummus · 25/02/2017 19:46

Yeah, I'd have been embarrassed on her behalf. Am pregnant and would love baby bits to materialise through friends of friends.

SanitysSake · 25/02/2017 19:48

Clearly your friend is lacking a few manners...

Well done you for doing the right thing.

Original poster

Wanttobeanon123 · 25/02/2017 19:49

Yes the item was free, friend 1 genuinely did not want anything for it. But it was well over £100 new, in fab condition. Friend 1 is on mat leave still so is of course not rolling in money so a gesture would have been nice I thought...

OP posts:

IamFriedSpam · 25/02/2017 19:50

Yes she should have although she might have just completely forgotten (I sometimes ditz like this then it suddenly occurs to me three months later in the middle of the night and I kick myself). I'd have probably asked her if she planned to send anything to say thanks. Glad you gave your generous friend a proper thank you!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/02/2017 19:51

Maybe friend 2 has flowers/wine/card on her to do list? That does sound ungrateful. Although I'm wondering whether I look ungrateful having received bags of second hand clothes but no big ticket items.

hazelnutlatte · 25/02/2017 19:51

Friend 2 might have sent something later - flowers maybe? I gave a friend loads of baby stuff and she sent me flowers a couple of weeks later

meganorks · 25/02/2017 19:56

I have been given a few baby things, and have given away all baby things I possibly can! Never given or received any gifts. Never thought anything of it.

Birdsgottaf1y · 25/02/2017 19:56

I don't understand the need for a gift.

I'm always embarrassed when someone does that, I give because otherwise it would go to the charity shop.

A thanks and knowing it will come in useful to someone who needs it, should be enough.

But then I couldn't afford to be friends with most on MN with the amount of Wine/Flowers/Chocolates that's needed.

Original poster

Wanttobeanon123 · 25/02/2017 19:57

Testing. I think clothes are different. They have no resale value (in my opinion after having tried to sell my son's clothes over the years). This item however, would have been pretty easy to sell on of friend one was not feeling to generous.

I know nothing has been passed on hazel as they do not know each other so it would have to go through me and friend 2 has not asked for friend 1s contact details.

OP posts:

Greenleave · 25/02/2017 20:01

Some people just didnt think of it and someone(like me) dont really care if there is anything in return. I gave pushchair, toys, 5 gates, prams and clothes etc...nothing giving back is expected.

GreyStars · 25/02/2017 20:01

If I was the friend in receipt of the item, I would have sent a small something like a bottle of wine or chocolates.

I certainly would have asked for their details to send a text to say thank you.

Very uncool of your friend IMO

As friend 1, thinks she had a thank you (wine via yourself) - do you think she is likely to know offer other things? If she hadn't received a thank you she might not... I guess if she offers again you might have to have a word with friend 2 or you may be buying more wine

NapQueen · 25/02/2017 20:04

God I give all sorts away because (1) I want rid and (2) I know of people who would make good use.

I have neither the time nor the inclination ro ebay/fb sell most of my stuff and so this gets it out of my house and helps someone else out.

Id never expect a gift or card in return.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 25/02/2017 20:08

I passed on everything. Prams, carseats, bouncers, highchair, jumperoo, all their clothes, coats, some shoes. Ive never had anything material as a thank you. The words were enough. Imho Expecting a gift for a gift misses the point of giving.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 25/02/2017 20:09

I gave away an expensive baby item to someone I knew would make good use of it and I was actually really offended when she sent a card and £20 in the post. I had other stuff I was planning to give her but after that I didn't feel that I could. She thanked me when I delivered the thing and that was all i wanted or expected.
So I suppose you can't win either way.

CotswoldStrife · 25/02/2017 20:10

I do think it's nice to send a small gift as a thank you - I was unexpectedly stuck at a relative's house for a week and she borrowed some baby equipment from a friend for me. I left a bottle of wine with my relative for her friend as a thank you (and my relative had bought one for the friend too) as it was a lovely gesture and really helped us out at a difficult time.

Mingewithafringe · 25/02/2017 20:13

I'm glad to read some of the responses from posters not expecting gifts so thank you. A friend asked me if I wanted some clothes for my baby because they were going to charity. I took a few little outfits - they were high street brands (think Debenhams and joules) do not cheap. I hate taking things for free so l I insisted she took £15 in cash, I'd also bought her some wine and a selection of fresh cream cakes. She really wouldn't take the money at first but I insisted. But I came away with a niggling feeling that I'd massively short changed her for what were 3 really nice and probably expensive outfits. I felt terrible and vowed to myself I'd take her another gift when I see her again, but it's nice to read the replies on here that actually, I probably did more than expected.

EineKleine · 25/02/2017 20:27

I thought the rule was you pay it forward. Don't think we have given or received gifts in exchange for passed on items.

Katedotness1963 · 25/02/2017 20:30

I would have sent a bottle of wine, box of chocolates, or a wee toy for the child as a thank you. If I give something away I wouldn't expect to receive anything for it other than a thank you.

Olympiathequeen · 25/02/2017 20:34

Ungrateful person! You sound a lovely friend to give gifts on her behalf. I really hate it when people don't acknowledge kindness.

AQuietMind · 25/02/2017 20:36

I was gifted something BIG from my grandmother, I travelled 200 miles to collect it and I thanked her to her face for the gift.

This was years ago now but the abuse I received for not sending a thank you card or sending flowers from my aunt was unbelievable to the point of I no longer speak to either of them.

I have gifted all of my baby items to people in need and no way would I expect anything in return.

Did your friend say 'please thank your friend for me'? that to me would be enough.

PointxTaken · 25/02/2017 20:36

Was the offer accepted, or pushed without person B really wanting it?

I have seen the case before, when someone really kindly try to push hand-me-downs to a new mum. New mum not wishing to have some strangers clothes on her baby refuses as kindly as possible but ends up with a huge box. To be polite, new mum say thank you gracefully and dumps everything at another common friend, who gives the lot to a charity shop.

Even if Person 2 is happy to receive the items, I am not sure why a gift should be bought. If you end up spending money on somebody's unwanted old items, you might as well buy them new.

Original poster

Wanttobeanon123 · 25/02/2017 20:37

Seems divided, so maybe I am being 50% unreasonable! Lol

I guess I would never expect a gift, just a thank you. Maybe that is what is actually urging me, that friend 2 has made no effort to get friends 1s contact details so she can send a text...

Thanks for all your opinions, just feel better to get it off my chest! Love mumsnet!!

OP posts:

Greenleave · 25/02/2017 20:38

Yes, a text is nice!!!

AlmaMartyr · 25/02/2017 20:38

When I've given stuff away I've genuinely not wanted anything in return and would be really quite embarrassed to get anything. It would make me feel quite awkward. I've passed on a lot of stuff too, often quite expensive and never have had a gift in return and haven't thought of those people as ungrateful. I've not had stuff passed to me though (first to have babies) so not sure what I'd do if it was me.

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