Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ungrateful friend? AIBU?

51 replies

Wanttobeanon123 · 25/02/2017 19:43

A friend of mine knew that I had a pregnant friend. The two friends do not know each other.

Friend 1, through me, offered friend 2 a substantial bit of baby related equipment, not cheap. Offer was accepted. I collected the item and passed it on.

Friend 2 did not offer to give anything to friend 1. Am not talking money or anything, but I would have thought a bottle of wine etc would have been offered when I handed the item over . I have actually been so embarrassed about this that I gave friend 1 a bottle of wine and a toy for their baby to say thank you. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobeanon123 · 25/02/2017 20:38

Urking, not urging!!!

OP posts:
RitaConnors · 25/02/2017 20:40

If I've got something I don't need any more I am happy to give it away. I don't want wine or anything.

LadyPW · 25/02/2017 20:40

I would have expected her to either ask for a mobile number to text her thanks or to say to you 'please thank her for me'. Even if not straight away, afterwards once she realised. (I don't always get the social etiquette right at the time because my brain has too many things to process but I tend to work it out afterwards). I hope she thanked you!

PlumsGalore · 25/02/2017 20:41

I would have done the same as you, but the right friend would have burnt her bridges I am afraid.

PlumsGalore · 25/02/2017 20:42

*tight not right

TinselTwins · 25/02/2017 20:42

I always "offload" babystuff on any friend aquaintance I can find who is willing to use it because
A. Not everyone will take used stuff (my rellies won't!) and I hate HATE it going to waste unused
B. Even if expensive new, babystuff doesn't sell for much (or maybe I'm rubbish at selling)
C. Online selling makes me despair for humanity
D. Carboot sales are rarely worth the hours of work that goes into doing them! Once you pay yourself your time you barely break even!

so it's basically recycling.

I never expect anything back, but it comes back in a round about way - i.e. I give hand me downs to others, others give hand me downs to me
The whole pay-it-forward idea doesn't work if you have to exchange something every time!

Electrolens · 25/02/2017 20:47

Oh gosh, I think - especially if via a second party - it was something they had no room for and then would pass on in my turn. So wouldn't have given a thank you beyond a heartfelt one in person or via social media.

In your position though I would have said 'my friend has this lovely item she's happy to give and it cost a lot - so let's do a box of chocolates and a card as thanks'

I think at once remove it's hard to tell - ie with my own friends and family I would know what was passing on or given as a gift iyswim.

I don't think the recipient is being unreasonable

Electrolens · 25/02/2017 20:50

And yes what point.says, I wouldn't have seen it as s gift bit someone kindly passing something on

Neverknowing · 25/02/2017 20:52

I disagree, I've given loads of baby stuff to lots of different people and I've never gotten anything back, I never even thought of it honestly! Although, I had a situation like you where I gave my a friend of a friend an expensive item and she sent me a nice message on Facebook? I wouldn't think to give anything unless someone asked for money either, maybe I'm rude Blush

Rubies12345 · 25/02/2017 21:02

A little thank you note would be nice!

TinselTwins · 25/02/2017 21:09

I'm pretty good with Thank yous in general for gifts
I just don't see hand me downs as gifts.
I don't give them as gifts, I give them as handme downs - it's mutually beneficial! I get to decluter without feeling bad about dumping stuff with life in it!. So when I recieve them I just don't consider it a gift

LucklessMonster · 25/02/2017 21:11

If I've got something I don't need any more I am happy to give it away. I don't want wine or anything.

That's my attitude. I would be embarrassed to receive a gift for giving away unwanted stuff, so I wouldn't give one.

TinselTwins · 25/02/2017 21:14

Basically if whoever I know that's pregnant doesn't want it, it's going to a charity shop, and I don't expect a thank you from them either
(but I'ld rather find someone to take it because a lot of charity shops send most the baby stuff off for rags)

RebootYourEngine · 25/02/2017 21:20

Did friend 2 tell you to pass on her thanks to friend 1?

Voice0fReason · 25/02/2017 22:41

I would never expect anything in return. I'm just glad that someone else is able to make use of it.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2017 11:44

Yes I would, I wod have pulled my friend up on it, and given friend 1 details so she cod thank her, and mabey give her a little something. I hate bad manners!

EyeSaidTheFly · 26/02/2017 11:49

I wouldn't think to send a gift or card tbh. If I were the receiver I would be very thankful to you and ask you to pass on sincere thanks to the friend. I've been in the position of giving away a lot of items and REALLY don't want a present back, I'm just happy it's going to a good home and pleased it will be used. I don't give things away to get anything in return. I'm glad to get rid of things I don't want any more. I think you are giving your friend a bit of a hard time.

Cherrysoup · 26/02/2017 11:54

If I no longer need something, I either sell or give it away. If I give it away, I don't want a gift in return, seems a bit bonkers, where do we stop?! Presumably your friend could have sold it had she wanted money.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 26/02/2017 12:04

I usually consider myself to have good manners but no, I wouldn't have bought a gift in this scenario - I assumed friend 1 offered rather than friend 2 asked for the item?

This depends however on whether friend 2's thanks were profuse on receipt of the item - if I genuinely thought she was grateful and gave you thanks to pass on, I don't think I would have expected anything further. If she didn't seem bothered then yes I would have been Hmm

Your friend 1 does sound lovely and kind!

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2017 12:38

The friend who recieved the things shou,d definitely thank the giver personally, it's polite and good manners. Especially these were expensive items. If I were you op, I woukd ask the giver friend if it's OK to pass mobile, or e mail to friend who recieved, so she can thank her personally. I woukd tell the friend in no uncertain terms that she is to send an e mail or call the giver friend and thank her. Some people need to be shown good manners!

Witchend · 26/02/2017 13:06

Friend 1 offered it. Not Friend 2 begged for it. Friend 2 may not have known the value, or would have got it otherwise, so it wouldn't be saving her money.

If I've offered something in that sort of circumstance I wouldn't expect anything at all. If I wanted something for it, I would have said. I would be quite embarrassed to find you had thought that and been judging friend 2 for something I didn't want.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2017 13:14

Its polite to thank the giver personally, good manners cost nothing.

Grilledaubergines · 26/02/2017 13:21

I wouldn't expect a gift, but a thank you is just basics and I'd think less of someone who couldn't say thanks. However if I was in receipt of something which had been given for free and had saved me a lot of money, I would always give a gift, without hesitation.

ChocolateCakeandSprinkles · 26/02/2017 13:29

It does seem quite rude, although it could be a little bit of baby brain!

She may not feel she is able to afford wine/chocs but a text to say thanks or a card send to say thank you is polite and good manners.

Next time you see her maybe just casually say, oh I bought you Friend A's address as I figured you might want to say thanks. Or 'oh do you need Friend A's number to thank her for her baby stuf. Dead casual. As in you're just assuming it. Might get her to do it without her realising.

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/02/2017 13:43

Just a thank you but not a gift etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread