Was I being unreasonable? This has been bothering me for years

[morehamthancoke]

I am very much pro-choice when it comes to abortion. Particularly at the early stages anyway.

When I was a teenager I was a complete mess. Utterly miserable, depressed, dabbled in drugs, slept around, self harmed, and generally tried to self destruct. I ended up with an accidental pregnancy, although I hadn't been careful so it served me right. As soon as I found out I knew how desperately the baby was wanted and the baby's dad (I got lucky that he was a decent guy) agreed with me. I was a student and knew I would need benefits until I had graduated (housing benefit and CTC to top up student loan, no JSA/IS). Partner was in the same position. Family weren't supportive but we kept the baby.

Baby is now 6. I got my act together immediately and didn't so much as smoke one cigarette during pregnancy. Sorted out a place to live and everything we needed, read up about everything, went to classes etc. etc. Married baby's dad (we are very happy- I got very lucky), we both have good careers now, baby is incredibly loved and is happy and thriving. Baby completely saved my life.

But I can't get rid of the guilt. The fact that because I wasn't financially stable at first I shouldn't have had the baby. I KNOW I was BU to not be more careful, but once PG WIBU to keep baby?

YABU to yourself.

And maybe it was the making of you, and gave you the direction in life you needed to care about yourself too.

What exactly makes you feel guilty? Because you didn't finish your education? Or because you claimed benefits? I can't work it out.

I don't want to be to controversial here but I am against abortion (unless you are underage or can prove it was accidental), as it infantcide ( the intentional
killing of an infant) so even though you were, let's call it a phase, were still concenting and knew the risks even if you ignored them, so don't feel bad the worst case scenario if you decided you weren't able to look after him was adoption, but you recovered and my have birthed the next Einstein.

Why is abortion ok for underage but not others MrRiddle?

What? ffs

Everything happens for a reason. Make peace with that.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you're trying to say why did I deserve to be 'rewarded' when I was so 'bad.' You were in a bad empty place and felt you didn't deserve any happiness?
You love your child very much but it sounds like you are beating yourself up about maybe thinking for a split second to not have the baby?
Or is it more of a 'survivors' guilt that you felt that you should have been able to 'sort' yourself out rather than someone else doing it for you? As the baby did sort your life out. The pregnancy gave you a wake up call/escape. And you feel guilty that you were so lucky?
Are you worrying what may have happened to you if you hadn't managed to turn your life around? Would you have died or ended up in prison. Subconsciously is your child reminding you of that unhappy time?
So do you feel worried that if/when your much loved child finds out about your earlier life that they will judge you & think you were so a bad person.
Are you worried that that your child will go through the same lifestyle?
As another mnetter pointed out do you feel that everything is going to be snatched away from you to 'punish' you?

Apologies if I've got it all wrong.

Is your question essentially "AIBU for not having an abortion?"

Because that is how it reads.

Sorry, I do not understand what you think you should feel guilty about. If you had carried on your previous life style as well as have baby then yes, that would not have been a good choice. But you didn't, baby was your wake up call, state benefits are there for a reason and you were entitled to them. Much as we all like to plan when to start a family it often happens out of the blue and being the best we can be is all that matters, no guilt should be felt here, feeling guilt is self destructive. Be positive and enjoy.

YANBU. Go and find some real problems to worry about .

I had a baby as a student too with a student boyfriend and we got through with benefits. Like you we are now married, work etc and we have more children. Unplanned pregnancy happens however careful you are. Heck I was a non smoker who had never touched drugs, was studious,hardly drank, the opposite of what you describe on your op but I still had am unplanned pregnancy. All your op tells me is that you have amazing strength to turn your life around and you sound as though you have a wonderful family unit. Enjoy it, be proud of what you've done don't feel guilty for such an amazing achievement.

YWBU to have got deliberately pregnant in the circumstances described.

But since you didn't do that, you weren't being unreasonable.

I don't understand your OP, quite frankly.

Do you think you might be suffering from "referred" guilt? (ie, actually feeling guilty about something else and projecting it onto this)

your story isn't so unusual. mine is almost identical.

your post has annoyed me. stop the moping around and naval gazing. you got lucky.

I don't think it's a coincidence that you seemed to have low self esteem and little confidence in your teens and you're feeling guilty for your life now, and finding it difficult to be happy. What happened leading up to your teen years? Was there anything or anyone chipping away at your self esteem.
From what you say you've really turned your life around and created this really happy home. If it's hard for you to accept that I wonder if counselling might help you? I only say that because I had it and it changed my life. I walked in at the start saying "I don't really need to be here" but it was gradually amazing (although difficult).
Your son sounds lucky to have you as his mum. You have nothing to be guilty for.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You would have been unreasonable to keep the baby and not sort your life out. Well done for looking after yourself and your little one.

You can be proud of yourself. Have a cyber hug.

Paninotogo the average person at that age doesn't have the mind set to look after a child.

I could explain how I came to my opinion in full detail but I won't because I believe every is entitled to an opinion, so I will let you have yours.

Pretty much the same thing happened to me. In also got lucky and my DH and I married between DC2 and 3. We survived on benefits though he worked and we still do to an extent. However, I am studying to be a nurse and in a few years I will have a career for life. DH has his own business which though part time now, will progress.
When I read threads about people saying you shouldn't have a baby if you can't support it, I do feel a little guilty. But I wasn't going anywhere good before I had kids and neither was DH (heroin addict). We are a success story and in the long run probably cost the state less than if we'd stayed in self destruct...
Life is what it is. You can't plan for everything, you won't always make the best choices, you won't satisfy everyone, but at least you are happy now x

Everything happens for a reason.

No it fucking doesn't.

Why do things happen then? You want to get into the philosophy of it? because I don't 🙄.