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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I being unreasonable? This has been bothering me for years

69 replies

morehamthancoke · 24/02/2017 20:54

I am very much pro-choice when it comes to abortion. Particularly at the early stages anyway.

When I was a teenager I was a complete mess. Utterly miserable, depressed, dabbled in drugs, slept around, self harmed, and generally tried to self destruct. I ended up with an accidental pregnancy, although I hadn't been careful so it served me right. As soon as I found out I knew how desperately the baby was wanted and the baby's dad (I got lucky that he was a decent guy) agreed with me. I was a student and knew I would need benefits until I had graduated (housing benefit and CTC to top up student loan, no JSA/IS). Partner was in the same position. Family weren't supportive but we kept the baby.

Baby is now 6. I got my act together immediately and didn't so much as smoke one cigarette during pregnancy. Sorted out a place to live and everything we needed, read up about everything, went to classes etc. etc. Married baby's dad (we are very happy- I got very lucky), we both have good careers now, baby is incredibly loved and is happy and thriving. Baby completely saved my life.

But I can't get rid of the guilt. The fact that because I wasn't financially stable at first I shouldn't have had the baby. I KNOW I was BU to not be more careful, but once PG WIBU to keep baby?

OP posts:

Joinourclub · 24/02/2017 21:56

Er no. That's what the system is there for. I'm sure you'll pay back all the benefits you took through taxes now you're working, so no need to feel guilty.

Cel982 · 24/02/2017 22:10

I think you've got it into your head that being pro-choice must therefore mean you always make the 'logical' decision about whether to terminate a pregnancy, and that you somehow 'failed' at that by choosing to have the baby despite not being financially stable. But it doesn't mean that at all; there's a myriad of factors why somebody chooses to continue with a pregnancy or not, and none of them are really right or wrong. You made the decision that felt right to you both at the time, and it worked out really well. It's a lovely story, OP, be proud

SuperFlyHigh · 24/02/2017 22:13

As someone who had an abortion at 17 and was more or less forced into it by my DM and DGM (her mum) I think you are really overthinking this.

You're lucky that you have your child now and turned your life around.

I didn't have that choice. Now I have no kids years on. And I don't think I will ever have any.

haveacupoftea · 24/02/2017 22:16

No...its only a recent thing that women feel they have to be really well off home owners with no issues whatsoever before getting pregnant. Talk to your grandmother or other older women about what life used to be like for young families. Babies really dont require designer name stuff/ the best of everything to be well brought up/happy/loved.

0hCrepe · 24/02/2017 22:16

Lots of people have accidental pregnancies and we all do things when we're young and look back and think how dumb we were but you did really well. Do you feel like you missed out on something? What's prompted this?

empirerecordsrocked · 24/02/2017 22:19

I genuinely don't understand. What do you feel guilt about? Life worked out well, count your blessings. YABU for asking such an odd AIBU.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 24/02/2017 22:23

In itself the choice you made was neither right nor wrong.

What matters is how you deal and cope with the choice and you have done extremely well for you and your family.

Other people might have make a different choice and also go forward well.

There's no need for any guilt, be happy and proud

SuperFlyHigh · 24/02/2017 22:23

I'm a bit staged by OP's question too empire. I think deep down she's thinking why was her life in such a mess (her reasons) and should she have had the baby or waited? Well she had the baby and like she says it's fine so why beat herself up over this now?!

Borntorunfast · 24/02/2017 22:25

There are always things in life we can feel bad about, if we choose. This isn't one of them.

Bluntness100 · 24/02/2017 22:33

What do you feel guilty about, the fact you chose to keep your son and made a go of it when you weren't financially stable? Honestly that's well, just weird.

steff13 · 24/02/2017 22:37

If this is still really bothering you 6 years later, despite the fact that things are good now, you may want to consider seeking some sort of professional help.

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 24/02/2017 22:39

YANBU, you wanted your child, you were willing to and did turn things around for him (well dome btw). You made the right choice for you and ensured your ds was safe, loved and cared for, that's what matters.
As others have said being pro-choice is just that, pro a woman making a choice which means a wanted baby can stay without judgement, same as you wouldn't judge a woman having an abortion.

Somehowsomewhere · 24/02/2017 22:41

If this is still really bothering you 6 years later, despite the fact that things are good now, you may want to consider seeking some sort of professional help

This. It seems strange that you're in a good position with a healthy happy child and yet you feel guilty for not aborting your baby.

ludothedog · 24/02/2017 22:47

Guilt is such a negative and unproductive emotion. Try to acknowledge it and every time you start to feel guilty say to your self that you are not giving guilt any more of your precious emotional energy. Guilt will not change the past and only makes you feel bad. Instead try to focus on the things that have gone right (you have a lovely family and are happy).

I know it's easier said that done but try. Look into mindfulness. It might just help.

LittlePaintBox · 24/02/2017 22:59

Some people might be smug about making a good life for themselves - you're humble about it. It sounds like you've worked for what you have, and made the best of a difficult situation. Nothing to be ashamed of in that.

But I can't get rid of the guilt. The fact that because I wasn't financially stable at first I shouldn't have had the baby. I KNOW I was BU to not be more careful, but once PG WIBU to keep baby?

No, of course not. You made a choice (as other posters have said), which is what you believe in.

Irrational feelings of guilt can be a sign of depression or anxiety. I'm not saying you're depressed - I don't know you - but I wonder if it's possible to ask your GP for an assessment?

mylaptopismylapdog · 24/02/2017 23:18

To be pro choice and make the decision you did is perfectly rational. The whole point of it is choice is that it allows the people involved the ability to weigh up the situation and making the decision that is right for them. For you and your family your decision has proved to be a good one, if you had felt differently it might also have been the right decision but you didn't. Respecting other peoples right to make their own decision is a good thing.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 24/02/2017 23:22

Pro-choice doesn't mean you have to have an abortion You can be pro-choice and think you would never dream of having an abortion. It just means you don't dictate to other women what they should do.

It is quite a strange thing to be thinking - you knew when you were pregnant that you wanted to keep the baby and that you were able to try to take care of it and yourself, so why should you have considered an abortion?

MaryMorpho · 24/02/2017 23:24

Is it mainly a guilt about benefits and choosing to depend on the state when you could have chosen otherwise? Some people do have that feeling about benefits and that it's irresponsible to have a child if you can't afford it. If you grew up around that kind of attitude that being on benefits is sponging, that can run deep.

But your self-destructive path (if it hadn't ended) could have ended up costing the state a lot too. And even perfectly well-off people take money from the state by having a child (NHS costs, school, child benefit etc) - it is fair that society pays for these costs, as children are the next generation, not just a personal indulgence IYSWIM.

And/or do you think it could be displaced guilt, i.e. you identify it as being about that, but you feel guilty about something else deep down? I do think some counselling might help. Do you think there's a reason why you became self-destructive in the first place? If you were very unhappy, maybe you still need to explore what it was all about.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 25/02/2017 00:51

Have read most of the thread but not every word, so sorry if duplicating.

What you're saying reminds me of how I felt when I had my first DC, two years after I got married.

It was all too good, had gone too well, I had a real sense of impending doom; no-one is this lucky, there must be disaster round the corner.

Make the most of it sweetheart, cover as many bases as you can.
And keep your fingers crossed too, can't hurt.

You've done well enjoy it.

Bettyspants · 25/02/2017 01:04

You are AMAZING! As is your DH and your daughter! Agree with other comments re counselling, seems your self confidence may be an issue rather than the fact you've had a very much loved child and turned your life around because of her. Please focus on now, not what you think you should have or could have done regarding termination as you have very clearly shown you made the right choice

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/02/2017 01:17

Goodness, you do need to stop worrying about this! You've had a very lucky set of circumstances, yes, but just be happy that it turned out well for you!

It's not a case of were you U or not at the time - you weren't in the right place to be thinking straight, you were not only very young but clearly had shitloads of stuff going on - reasonableness just doesn't come into it.

I think perhaps you're using this accidental pregnancy worry as a cover for something else, something that you probably do need counselling to address - I'd put money on it really being about something else underlying what you were going through at that time, when you became pg.

ExplodedCloud · 25/02/2017 01:17

Bit bamboozled about the question.
If you'd aborted and gone on with your life? OK
If you'd chosen to keep the baby? OK
You chose to keep the baby and the dad is your DH and you're all happy? OK
You thought hard about your options? Great.

Italiangreyhound · 25/02/2017 01:59

morehamthancoke well done for turning your life round and rising to the challenges.

I can't be sure but it almost sounds like you feel guilty for not doing what you thought (back then) girls in your situation should do. is that it?

Do you feel like you had a lucky escape? And like those who survive a crash you feel a bit guilty. It could so easily have been you who had to chose to part with the baby or lose the man or whatever? But it was not.

Or am I a mile wide of the mark?

But as pointed out up thread, pro choice is not pro abortion, it is pro choice and you made one. A good one. Maybe if the dad had been a total waster, things would have been different. But he was it. He is not.

It was not just luck that you picked a good man, and he saw in you something lovely and good and attractive and worth his time and attention.

And together you rose to the challenge.

Another woman or girl in another situation may well have made a different choice, Some may feel they have no choice.

Get some counselling for what those slightly wild (or very wild) years have done to, as said upthread, but most of all, pat yourself on the back, sweetie. You had a choice and you made it, You did good girl! XX

VimFuego101 · 25/02/2017 02:03

You should feel proud, not guilty. Any one of the changes you made would be tough on its own, let alone all of them.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/02/2017 02:34

"I ended up with an accidental pregnancy, although I hadn't been careful so it served me right."
The 'served me right' sprung out at me. No, it didn't serve you right. Your husband hadn't been careful either - did it serve him right too? The pregnancy was not a punishment - it was just a pregnancy. A sperm that met an egg that was able to implant in a uterine lining that was thick enough to support it. A completely random act that happens without reference to the supposed morality of the sperm creator or the egg creator.

Please, stop considering yourself to be deserving of punishment. You faced a testing situation, you both came to a shared decision on how to deal with that situation, and blow me if it didn't go pretty well for the three of you. I think you need to work on your self-esteem - it's way below where it should be.

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