I'm thinking this abortion experience wasn't quite right?

[mrsmummum]

NC for this as some of my previous posts are identifying.

I had an abortion about 12 years ago. I don't want to give too many details surrounding the pregnancy but the baby was wanted and then I got shoe horned in to having an abortion. Which I've always regretted.

I've always felt uncomfortable about what happened and reading more on mumsnet the last few years about other's experiences I've started to think my experience wasn't quite right.

I booked in to a central London Marie Stopes and back then the only option was a surgical procedure. I was assured I would be given medication so that I wouldn't feel a thing and would be pretty out of it so not be as 'present'. I think they gave me a Valium beforehand and an injection of something. To be honest I was in a bit of a state so can't remember so well.

What I do remember was feeling very clear headed and also feeling everything they were doing. Not huge amounts of pain but a fair amount. I remember sobbing and asking them to stop. Obviously the procedure was underway so that wasn't an option but I didn't receive one kind word, in fact, they were talking about what they were going to do after work.

When I came out and went in the recovery room there were maybe 5 or 6 of us lying on loungers. I was pretty upset and remember asking a nurse if I could talk to someone and she said 'no, you've already had the counselling session included in the price, did you really expect to feel happy right now? All of these girls are in the same situation as you now.' That was it.

After this I had a pretty rough few months. I went completely off the rails and ended up under the home care team after a suicide attempt. My doctor (who was absolutely lovely) was horrified I didn't go to her and said that it would have been much better to have had it done on the NHS as they give a general, she thought that mild sedation was barbaric and that she'd heard other complaints about private clinics.

Part of me is wondering if I'm making too much of this as it wasn't really something I wanted to do. But it was incredibly traumatic. It's not something I'll ever get over and I do think that it didn't go as they're meant to. Or is this just how they were done back then? It was a Marie Stopes not a shoddy backstreet place which is why I'm unsure.

It's not really the kind of thing I want to talk about irl with anyone. I've told a couple of people about the abortion but their responses have made me so ashamed I've not felt like telling anyone else let alone the details.

I am so sorry for all of you who have had such awful experiences. I had my first abortion at a BPAS clinic about 15 years ago and was struck by everyone's kindness. My second one was around 8 or 9 years ago, on the NHS and again was straightforward and I was treated well. Both times were under general and pain was only bad period like. I've only ever felt relief, I'm sure being treated with respect and kindness helped. My husband's feelings I think are more of regret, but we don't talk about it very much...

Oh gosh - there are some terrible experiences on this thread.

I am so sorry that you all had such a rough time.

I had a termination in the late 80s - on the NHS but in a clinic. It was all very sympathetically handled - I had a full GA and an overnight stay. Aside from having to get home by train alone the next day it was almost a positive experience.

OP - I hope you can sort this out. Maybe see a counsellor as it is clearly still very much on your mind.

Which is how it should be.

Sounds like you had a judgemental cow of a nurse. I've worked alongside a few who seem unable to comprehend that their professional duty is to respond to suffering with empathic and kind communication.

However, if she had spoken to you like that in the context of being treated with love and support outside of that clinical environment I suspect it would have had little impact.

Please find someone to talk to about what your mother did. It was evidently deeply traumatising and you were utterly betrayed by the person who should have had your back regardless of what situation you found yourself in.

I had an abortion at a Marie Stopes in South London about 22 years ago. I didn't take the general anaesthetic, thinking it risky. The process was horrendous so I'm so sorry for you, mrsmummum. I had to be held down by the nurse and doctor who were at least sympathetic, even though I asked them to stop - probably it was too far into the process by then. I was almost catatonic in the recovery room after and had to be comforted by a mother of 5 who had had an abortion for medical reasons. The taxi driver who picked me up from the clinic, who must have known what had just happened, was so kind to me. I'm pro choice but it was an awful experience.

Gosh, that sounds awful, OP. Sounds like you could do with counselling now, in order to come to terms with the whole experience - the emotional effects of being pressured into doing something you didn't want and the actual physical experience itself.

I had a termination in 2005 so around the same time as you and while I've never forgotten it and sometimes dwell on the what ifs, the actual procedure was fine. Booked through the NHS, under a general anaesthetic as suggested by the gp - very clinical but absolutely ok, no pain or anything like that - unlike your experience

Sounds completely barbaric - they'd give you more sedation for a tooth extraction fgs. Certainly a world away from the NHS termination I had around 9/10 years ago.

Sounds like you might have a touch of PTSD and unsurprisingly so. Talk to your GP and organise some counselling.

What happened to you wasn't right, you should have been treated with kindness and respect. And your friends shouldn't make you feel ashamed of your past - even if it had been 100% your choice

I had an abortion in 2008 at Marie stopes I was 16. My mum told me to go for the one you did. Is it where you're partly asleep? You're still conscious but you don't remember much of it?
My mum thought it'd be a faster recovery I remember them refusing to let my mum in with me and then I couldn't speak to her until I'd done a wee and shown them it. I was crying through out but the nurses were nice to me and tried to help me feel better.
After the abortion they put me in a lounge chair and offered tea and biscuits. It seemed to be a room to 'get over it now before you go home'. Never spoken about it to my mum or dad since.

I had an abortion in the early 90's. I didn't really want to have one but let I had no choice. I went to a private clinic and remember afterwards the nurse was walking round the rows of us who were in post op. She moaned to me about a woman a couple of beds down who was crying saying she'd chosen to have it done and shouldn't be upset.

It took me years to get over the grief and guilt I felt. There was no counselling before or afterwards.

I'm so glad I've found this thread, even though it's dormant. I had a very similar experience in 2003 at Marie Stopes at Tavistock Sq. The aftercare nurse was kind but everything else from the "counselling" to the procedure was cold and uncaring and a horrible experience. The nurse who did my consent form (don't recall seeing a doctor at all) advised against a medical abortion -even though I was only 7 weeks pregnant at the time and said they wouldn't give a general.

I could go on but won't. This thread has made me realise I need help with this..

I think the level of care at Marie Stopes has been called into question by the Care Quality Commission and there was a whistleblower from MSI in the Daily Mail quite recently.
www.theguardian.com/world/2016/dec/21/marie-stopes-uk-abortion-clinics-women-at-risk-cqc-report

Part of me is wondering if I'm making too much of this as it wasn't really something I wanted to do. But it was incredibly traumatic.

You aren't making too much of it, and it not being something you wanted may have something to do with how hard it is impacting you.

I woke up in the middle of an illegal abortion, which carried on regardless, decades ago. I still get out of the blue flashbacks and accompanying cold sweats.

I don't regret the abortion, I absolutly wanted it. I was quite prepared to die or be maimed by a backstreet abortionist rather than make a baby come and live in the disaster I had made of my life. Which I think goes a long way to making coping with the flashbacks something I can manage. I chose it 100% without a single doubt.

What I find harder to manage is the flashbacks to the waiting room. The faces of several women who were clearly being obliged to do something they really didn't want to do.

I understand about not being able to access counselling services. I use a children's app (breathing bubbles) for the times when it is harder to tell the flashbacks and thoughts to bog off out of my head. It helps a lot.

I had a similar experience at a Marie Stopes about 12 years ago. I don't remember being given an injection for the pain and I was certainly conscious throughout the surgical procedure. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced (albeit fairly quick). I threw up immediately afterwards, and felt very faint when in recovery.

The nurse offered me a chocolate biscuit immediately afterwards (which I ate because I felt weak and assumed it was to get my blood sugar levels back up). When I then told her I was still feeling very sick about half an hour later she quite curtly said "Well, you shouldn't have had the chocolate biscuit then"!

At the time I was just grateful it was all over. However, it made me very scared of childbirth and was far more traumatic an experience than it could have been.

I also remember that I completely lost control of my body for a few minutes after the procedure because I just started shaking involuntarily. I don't know if it was because of the pain, but it was very frightening at the time.

Oh OP:(
I had an abortion almost 13 years ago at BPAS in London. It was definitely my choice and the right one, but I cried a lot immediately afterwards. The recovery nurse was amazing and hugged and rocked me for ages. I was so grateful for her kindness. And I've never forgotten the taxi driver who dropped me off, either- as I was paying he squeezed my hand and said "good luck love". I'm sure neither of those people remember me but they made such a difference to me that day.