I'm thinking this abortion experience wasn't quite right?

[mrsmummum]

NC for this as some of my previous posts are identifying.

I had an abortion about 12 years ago. I don't want to give too many details surrounding the pregnancy but the baby was wanted and then I got shoe horned in to having an abortion. Which I've always regretted.

I've always felt uncomfortable about what happened and reading more on mumsnet the last few years about other's experiences I've started to think my experience wasn't quite right.

I booked in to a central London Marie Stopes and back then the only option was a surgical procedure. I was assured I would be given medication so that I wouldn't feel a thing and would be pretty out of it so not be as 'present'. I think they gave me a Valium beforehand and an injection of something. To be honest I was in a bit of a state so can't remember so well.

What I do remember was feeling very clear headed and also feeling everything they were doing. Not huge amounts of pain but a fair amount. I remember sobbing and asking them to stop. Obviously the procedure was underway so that wasn't an option but I didn't receive one kind word, in fact, they were talking about what they were going to do after work.

When I came out and went in the recovery room there were maybe 5 or 6 of us lying on loungers. I was pretty upset and remember asking a nurse if I could talk to someone and she said 'no, you've already had the counselling session included in the price, did you really expect to feel happy right now? All of these girls are in the same situation as you now.' That was it.

After this I had a pretty rough few months. I went completely off the rails and ended up under the home care team after a suicide attempt. My doctor (who was absolutely lovely) was horrified I didn't go to her and said that it would have been much better to have had it done on the NHS as they give a general, she thought that mild sedation was barbaric and that she'd heard other complaints about private clinics.

Part of me is wondering if I'm making too much of this as it wasn't really something I wanted to do. But it was incredibly traumatic. It's not something I'll ever get over and I do think that it didn't go as they're meant to. Or is this just how they were done back then? It was a Marie Stopes not a shoddy backstreet place which is why I'm unsure.

It's not really the kind of thing I want to talk about irl with anyone. I've told a couple of people about the abortion but their responses have made me so ashamed I've not felt like telling anyone else let alone the details.

Thank you all for your posts. It's helping some to know that I haven't just imagined all this mental anguish. Although in some cases, even the most smooth flowing of abortions can be very traumatic.

I think I maybe do have some ptsd from it. Any medical procedure now and I'm a gibbering wreck. Smear tests are horrific. I even had ds at home because I am so terrified of being in a hospital, or any medical intervention. Obviously if I had needed to go in to a hospital I would have done so but it wouldn't have been pretty.

Unfortunately I'm somewhere where I pay for health care and I a therapist is just not a possibility with our finances.

Atheist - it's unspeakable isn't it?

Itsjust - I was shocked at how callous every member of staff was there. From the first person that I spoke to (who showed me the scan even though I asked her not to) to every doctor and nurse I encountered. It was like something from a horror film.

Oh and sorry to drip feed but they actually didn't perform it properly. A week or so later (again, blurry with the details) it became apartment they'd not removed it all and I also got an infection. I don't know if this had any bearing on the 3 years it took to conceive ds and my secondary infertility. Maybe it wasn't that they hadn't done it properly but it didn't help having to go in to hospital to sort it out when I just wanted to forget it all.

My heart goes out to you.

I had one at Marie Stopes 16 years ago. Very similar experience, when I came round I was asked why I was crying. Scarred me deeply.

for you

Twinkle that's terrible.

I remember my doctor being visibly upset when I told her and said it wasn't the first time she'd heard a horror story. It just didn't occur to me to do it on the NHS. I didn't even really know they did abortions.

Who needs pro lifers outside screaming when the staff do a perfectly good job of making you feel awful?

Theother- that's appalling. The only way I could cope was to get it done. I had a few days wait I think and spent it in a total stats, I can't imagine how you felt.

I've namechanged to post this.

I've had two abortions. The first time my parents persuaded me and the second time the father did. I was already a single parent, neither was an easy decision to come to.

The first time was horrible, kept waiting all day going from room to room to sign, then have checks, then to get gowned up. There was no 'counselling' involved, just me signing to say I was sure.

I went in for the surgery sobbing and saying I wasn't sure but was just put to sleep under the anaesthetic.

When I came round I quickly got upset again and was crying and a nurse snapped at me that she didn't know why I was crying, I wouldn't be there if I didn't want to be.

There were other women in who knew each other and were laughing and joking and talking about how awful having kids is, they were moaning about how long the wait was and saying it was much quicker last time. As though they'd just popped in for a filing. I understand they're entitled to their feelings but for me at the time it was upsetting.

It was like we were all wheeled in one by one then back out again.

The second time was a completely different experience. Dealt with more sensitively I'd say.

I've never fully 100% got over either of the abortions probably because for me if circumstances had been different I wouldn't have done it.

I'm completely 100% pro choice. It's essential women can access abortion and I'd never ever judge anyone for their choice.

But my experience was very unpleasant. I'm really sorry your experience was so horrible too

Don't have personal experience of this, but just wanted to offer to all of you who have hd such bad experiences. Why the fuck are these so-called health "professionals" working in this service if they're so callous about the women they're treating. No one chooses a termination lightly, but it IS their choice, and it is also their choice to change their mind at any point up to the procedure taking place. Absolutely shocked at the disregard for patient consent.

mrsmummum
Every time you post I can't help but feel you've been completely let down by them. I can't explain how much. It was a horrible experience that you had to live with for such a long time. Having to experience the infection afterwards as well is terrible. I am happy they can no longer do the procedures at Marie Stopes if the above persons post is true about them stopping it due to health and safety. In hindsight I too wish I had known about the NHS . I wish I was given the option for counselling and knew of the support options that are around now.

OP I had a surgical termination at a Marie Stopes about 13 years ago, I had no pain relief offered whatsoever. The pain was horrendous and I went to stand up straight afterwards and passed out, where the hell the nurse was I can't even remember. It was a very traumatic experience and caused me to fall into quite a deep depression afterwards.

for you OP. I'm quite sad to hear there are others who have had just as bad, if not worse, experiences. Not how it should be at all.

God, this is all utterly utterly awful. I'm so sorry OP and anyone else who has been through this :( I naively thought that callous, unkind staff and procedures like this would have died out decades ago.

Does anybody know if things have changed today?

I'm also so sad to hear of other's experiences. It's never going to be shits and giggles but shocked that it seems to have been more common than I thought.

I can't believe it wasn't more closely regulated. I deeply wish I'd complained at the time but was much more unsure of myself and kind of felt like someone that would have an abortion didn't have the right to complain about anything. I'm guessing that's what they were banking on with their callous treatment of people. One kind word there would have made a world of difference.

OP that is not right at all. You poor thing. It makes me feel so cross for you thinking about them being so callous - and that they might rely on women being in too vulnerable a state to complain. If you can't afford counselling please post as much as you need on Mumsnet or find an bereavement support forum.

Now I'm in floods of (probably cathartic) tears and going to have to make something up to dh. I find him the easiest person to talk to about everything else in the world but this.

I also don't want him thinking we can't conceive another child because of something I've done. And I'm still ashamed of it. Planning a pregnancy and then not going through with it. It's never made any ethical sense to me.

Obviously I'm strongly pro choice, it's just how my stupid brain processes it. I've spent years loudly advocating pro choice, and am now involved with fund raising for planned parenthood but still feel this crushing guilt which is at odds with my core beliefs and morals.

My friend had similar experience, but it was an NHS birth. The pain side of the actual procedure was managed better but it was the callous attitudes of most of the medical staff which made it traumatic. It still upset her years later and exacerbated her feelings of guilt.

Sorry you had to go through that, OP. That should not have happened. So wrong.

NHS abortion! Predictive text not at its finest

I struggle to talk about it all to this day to be honest so I wont go into details, but I went through a very horrible situation and a resulting surgical termination 20 + years ago. I know that for some women it is a straight forward process and it doesnt affect them too deeply, but for those of us who are left traumatised it is like a horrible knawing ache that never ever leaves you, It changes who you are, I cant specifically recommend counselling or therapy as I am not brave enough to have tried it myself, however OP, I can send you all the empathy in the world and silent support from this anonymous mumsnetter

Oh hells teeth, I went through this too (although it was what I wanted). Marie Stopes, Leeds, 13 years ago. No medication, no anaesthetic, nothing. Screamed out in pain. Was brusquely told to be quiet. Had no idea that so many of you have had a similar experience. to all x

I had a surgical abortion last year at BPAS. Nothing but kindness and caring from the staff there and on the phones beforehand. It made a huge difference. I have no regrets - partly because it was a clear decision for me but also because I felt looked after on the day. Sorry not everyone has had that experience...

My god I had exactly the same experience. Marie Stopes London. 25 years ago. Has made me feel quite ill reading about it and reliving it. We were shunted in on a line of trolleys down a corridor. Absolutely horrendous. I went to counselling at some place in Charlotte Street a few years later. It didn't help much. It's a long time ago and I'm over it, but still.

Thanks twilight I was confident in my decision and am older and wiser now so mainly feel angry that I allowed myself to be treated like that. I was so vulnerable and just needed to be treated like a person, not to be treated like i was trash. Much love to everyone for these horrible experiences. I'm sure there are some more positive experiences out there but it seems that care could definitely be improved.

Does anybody know if things have changed today?

I can't comment for everywhere but I can say that just over 2 years ago I had a surgical termination in a clinic that many years ago had a fair few horror stories floating around of much the same thing as the op experanced (callous staff, not fully out,no pain relief, little follow up) and whilst obviously not a lovely experance I was treated with dignity kindness and respect and medically I experanced no problems

I haven't had one, only miscarriages, but just had to post to say how much I'm feeling for all of you, what horrific experiences. One of my friends had one as a schoolgirl many many years ago and one of the nurses was really nasty to her and said ' see what happens bet you'll think twice again about your behaviour'.

I wasnt offered any counselling.

I had an abortion 17 years ago and they put me to sleep. I didn't go to a private clinic I had it done with the NHS. I didn't feel traumatised at all they took care of me and gave me a cup of tea and biscuit after. Everyone had their own private space and a curtain to keep closed for privacy. I am sorry for your experience what a traumatic thing to go through. I wish I knew you back then I would have told you to complain your treatment in their sounds inhumane.

I am really sorry to all of you who've had such horrible experiences

Abortion should be dealt with sensitively. I guess like with any medical procedure there are good and bad healthcare professionals. Unfortunately with abortion, it's not something that we feel we can openly speak about, or make a complaint about.

I suspect it's even harder to process if you weren't sure completely about having the abortion. Not only are there the conflicted emotions about that but then the feelings about the mistreatment.

I was 16 at the time maybe that had a lot to do with how they treated me.