To think LTR's aren't a thing anymore??

[Karmaisabitch]

This has been something I've thought about for days now.

Are long term relationships becoming more uncommon by the day?? It seems people are only together between a year & maybe 5 but are splitting. Is it because there is too much choice?? Too many issues?? People seem to be cheating a hell of a lot more, blender families seem to be way more common than before too!

Just seems rare to think il meet someone in say 10+ years who'll say they've been with their partner say 20 years!

YABU but honestly, most people I know who were together at 22 had broken up by 25/26...they then have gone on to have new relationships & marry. I am getting married this year (I'm 28!) and most of my fiance's friends are married. My friends are a little slower but most are in serious relationships and/or married.

In 2-4 years you'll be neck deep in friends getting married.

I find it extremely common to meet people in their 40/50's who are still will their partners 10/20 years later even longer.

I just feel that younger people seem incapable of holding down a job let alone a relationship. Most of my friends are on their 2nd or even 3rd serious relationship & I'm only 26!

I met my bf at 16, split up 3 months later. I then met someone else at 17 it ended 6 months later. Then another at nearly 18, it lasted 2 months.

Me & my first bf when I was 16, got back together when I was 18 & split at 20. 21 I met my ex wife, spent 5 years together & split in 2015, divorced in 2016.

Met a new guy in 2016 & split 7 months later.

Are most of my generation incapable or just unwilling?? Maybe we aren't made of the same stuff!

What on earth makes you assume that any of those people who have been in a relationship for 10-20 years in their 40s and 50s didn't have the exact relationship history you're describing here?

I think my relationship history would be something like:
One month at 16, two months at 17, around a year at 20, fuck buddy arrangement with a nice chap for a few weeks in the rebound at 21, ill-considered trial of a relationship with someone else for about two months a bit later that was never going to amount to anything, three-five months long distance at 22, random unusual sexual encounter for the sake of pushing the boundaries a few months after that, then got into a LDR with now DH just after that, and we've been together for five and a half years and quite possibly will become those people in their 40s and 50s you speak of. DH's relationship history is far less eventful, though, admittedly...

Not looking to annoy or offend anyone....I guess I grew up thinking by my age now, I'd be settled down, married & kids.

However I'm divorced, pregnant & single!

Sadly I base a lot of my life on being with someone, sounds pathetic however, I'm not happy unless I'm in a relationship. I will continue to make a shit relationship work just so I don't have to be single.

Maybe people my age are more comfortable & happy being alone!

I'm 40 and most of my friends are in 6-12yr long relationships.
I only know two couples got together at less than 23.
I met dh at 28.
When I had ds most of us were around 36.

So I'd say that LTRs are a thing - but often not till mid 20s or older.

karma I think you need to work on your self esteem ( states the obvious). Clinging onto a shit relationship is not good for you, and will not be for your child. Have you tried being on your own? It may be just what you need, just to prove to yourself that you are strong in yourself away from a relationship. People who are not nice prey on people who lack confidence and who put up with crap because they think it's better than being alone. I've learnt to my cost when I was in my 20'a that it's like having a neon sign on your head attracting dickheads.

Completely agree with you river.

I am receiving counselling & attending a freedom programme to help me look out for the usual signs of an abuser.

Being pregnant I've absolutely no confidence but that's because I've put on weight, however, I have had a chat with myself (not crazy! I promise!) & have decided to take myself away from dating completely (not looking anyway). More mentally, turning off all my thoughts about exes & potential future relationship/s.

The only relationship I want to pursue & ensure a great bond is with my son, he needs me & I intend to put him first in absolutely everything!

Whilst doing that & when I can fit it in, I will also look after myself and not only improve or change my physical image, I will improve my mental health & how I view the world & how people view me.

Although I am slowly getting comfortable and used to "being single", I still struggle a little bit knowing I've no one to go home too!

But again, I do agree with you river. I'm putting my son & me first!

My best friends met at college, married at 22 and now, in their sixties (no children) are one of the happiest couples I know.

Good luck with it all

I'm 28 and have been with my husband 11 years and my two best friends have been with their husbands comparable amounts of time.... so we would certainly buck your suggested trend.

I think different regions, areas, cultures and even social groups have different norms and we naturally gravitate towards other who share our values and experiences so have to be careful not to generalise what we see in the people we surround ourselves with and apply it to large groups of people.

I agree with you. I left my x a decade ago because he wanted a prisoner tbh. I have tried to meet somebody else and a few times I've thought excitedly 'this could work!" but as soon as we get to 7 weeks, they end it for no reason I can really grasp. I do think that a lot of men are entitled and delusional and even if (to quote a very funny poster on mn) they have gravy on their jumper, they still have an eye out over your shoulder. I have just started seeing somebody and I suppose a few weeks after sleeping with me he'll get bored and start answering messages from other people. I feel as I type that ''oh no, not *&^%" but I always think that at the beginning.

Parents have been married 60+ years. My siblings and I have been married to our spouses 20+ years. DH and his side - although have experienced deaths/divorces have all been with current partners 15+ yrs.

Agree with pp who said you may have to kiss a few frogs to find the prince(ss).

I do think that people having been together 60 years etc. is only a good thing if they are genuinely happy. Totally agree with PPs that a lot of women now feel they can leave relationships, or are able to financially, when this wasn't so true in the past, when it was far more typical to put up with abuse, affairs, or just being unhappy.

I read an article recently that said as well as relationships/marriages ending because of affairs, a lot are ending in middle age because of increasing numbers of women just deciding they've had enough of their OH and would be happier single.

As PP have already said it can only be a good thing that people don't have to stay in bad relationships or marriage now.

Personally I have been married for 30yrs, all of my siblings have been married or with their partner for 24+yrs but most of my friends are a mixture of divorced or unmarried people.

I would actively encourage friends to leave a partner if it was the right thing for them to do - no longer do we have to adhere to the "you made your bed now lie in it" school of thought.

I'm in my 50s, and as far as I can see, the only thing that sets you apart from most of my contemporaries is that you seem to have expected to "settle down" at a very young age. Most of my friends had several non-serious relationships before they found the one they wanted to have children with; that was considered normal and natural. I was quite unusual in that I found "the one" at 19- but we didn't get married for another 10 year, and did not start a family until we were well into our thirties.

Even in an older generation, say my parents' or grandparents', a little dating, or even a broken engagement or two were quite normal, and at least among the working classes, it was common to wait with settling down until you were a bit more stable job-wise etc and could afford to start a family.

Most of the people I know over 30 are in LTR or married.

Most under 30 are not.

So not in my experience. I can imagine as I get older I'll see more break ups.

I think the poster who noticed there seemed to be more LTR in villages than in cities was probably right. My cousins still live in the village they were born in, they are all in their 40s and all still married to the partners they have been with since their teens. A divorce there would be unusual (my aunt's divorce is still talked about 20 years later).

I'm 40 and had a few relationships (1-3 years) before I was with my ex for 17 years. I can only think of one friend my age who is still with the person they were with aged 26 (and she has said she would never divorce due to religious reasons). In my circle, most people seems to have had a couple of 1-3 year relationships, then settled down for 10 years + (generally having kids during that time, whether married or cohabiting). Then over the last couple of years, everyone seems to have split up one after another. Now a few are dating and doing short term relationships again, a couple moved straight into other LTR and a few (like me) have stayed single intentionally for the time being.

No one should be trapped in a LTR that they don't want. And at 26 it is very normal not to have met The One yet. Most people don't get married aged 20 and stay together for 50 years these days (unless they live in my cousins' village).

I just feel that younger people seem incapable of holding down a job let alone a relationship. Most of my friends are on their 2nd or even 3rd serious relationship & I'm only 26!

At 26 are you expecting people to be with the same person they dated at 16?

That would be a terrible plan for most.
(don't reply to me saying you married your teenage sweetheart, I said most not all)

At 26 all but one of my friendship group were still flitting around relationships. At 36 we are all married with children, the shortest relationship being 5 years. It is more usual these days to settle later. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Is it usual for people who were born in the 90s to have grown up thinking "by the time I am 26 I will be married with children"?

That seems a very old-fashioned view.

karma when i was 26 i had also had several relationships i met my husband at 31 prior to meeting him i hadent met anyone that i felt i could settle down with i dont think being young has anything to do with maybe they just havent met the right person for them you can meet the right person at 15 or 50.

also personally at 26 i wasent really interested in being in a long term relationship i was still going out all the time going on holidays with friends etc by the time i met dh i was ready for a long term relationship.

Yes I'm surprised that people born in the 90's would expect to be settled by 26. They were the generation where 50% were expected to go to university, so you'd be 21 at least when you left and in debt before even starting work, never mind getting far enough up the ladder to be thinking about a stable ltr, home and children. I was considered on the shelf at 26 by my parents but I'm in my 40's and come from a traditional Catholic background where the 50's never really went away! I wasn't on the shelf, I had a bloody good time. Had children in my 30's, and still being married, even happily for another 40 years possibly seems an awfully long time.

As Riversleep points out it is all about shifting circumstances. She was considered on the shelf by 26 in her particular setting.

I was a young woman in the 80s in a very affluent society with high expectations of lifestyle and social mobility. Teenage pregnancies were virtually unheard of, though this was certainly nothing to do with chastity. Most people had a series of relationships and eventually found the person to settle with. I do know a handful of couples who stayed together from secondary school, but even they did not start families until much later. The emphasis was on getting a good education and seeing the world before settling down. The fact that they look very settled now doesn't mean they were in any way settled in their mid-twenties: they just didn't expect to be.

80/100 years ago, it would have depended even more on your social setting. A young aristocrat or middleclass woman would be expected to marry very young, but often to a somewhat older man. A woman from the labouring classes, particularly if in service, might have to wait for a decade until her young man had got enough money together to marry on. A young farmer otoh might feel the need to know that his wife was fertile- so often the marriage would take place when the girl was pregnant.

Nothing to do with values or tenacity: all to do with circumstances.

I think my old fashioned view came from my family.

I was always being asked if I had found a "nice gentleman"

The views in the family were "women in the kitchen, men out at work"

Then when I hit around 18, my family members started splitting.

I however, had already adopted that way of thinking, that I meet a man around 20, marry and have kids.

However being 26, im divorced and pregnant.

Certainly doesn't work out the way you plan!

Apologies guys, I am working on my thinking!

I certainly do not agree with "women in the kitchen though".