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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding & Inlaws - the usual AIBU?

70 replies

CantGetAUserName · 24/02/2017 01:45

We are due to emigrate this year thanks to DP's job so decided while we were still in the UK to get married and everything is arranged, keeping it small and intimate - close family and friends etc.

DH 'aunt' (MIL Best friend) is invited although we haven't seen or spoke to her in 10 years. Turns out she has invited a whole load of other people along with her (son, partner etc) who we have never met! No consideration or request just a demand they must attend also.

I said no, we have catered etc and is already costing a small fortune, MIL blowing a gasket over us being 'unreasonable' DH stuck in the middle.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want people I don't know at my wedding and I certainly don't want to be paying for them! We are paying for everything ourselves and space is limited due to a small venue.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 24/02/2017 12:11

rollonthesummer Except poor Zammo never said no, that was the whole problem.

OliviaStabler · 24/02/2017 12:16

They might just turn up anyway. I had this at my friends wedding, her Mum invited some extra people, they were told no by the couple but they turned up anyway. Very awkward indeed.

Jaysis · 24/02/2017 12:17

I know someone who had similar - someone wanting to bring others and MIL was backing them all the way.

The bride and groom gave MIL a list of 'her' 20 or so guests that she had insisted needed to be invited and told her that if she wanted to bump her relative/colleague /friend off her guest list to make room for the gatecrashers she was welcome to do so, but the B&G's list would remain as it was.

Worked a treat, MIL backed down and put the gatecrashers in their place.

SurlyValentine · 24/02/2017 12:23

WTAF?!?!?! So, your MIL-to-be's friend, who only received an invitation by the skin of her teeth, having not seen you and your fiancé for over 10 years, wants to bring her son and his family to your small, intimate wedding? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Your DH-to-be has done well in standing up to her and his DM so far - fingers crossed it stays that way.

There's your answer, MIL wants them she is welcome to pay. Aaaaannnddd, no. Just no. OP and her DP could be as rich as Croesus, but if they want a small, intimate wedding then that's what they should have. If they don't want people there that they have never met, then those people should not be invited.

JustinOtherdad · 24/02/2017 12:25

Stick to your guns. It's your wedding day, not a social event.

I had two tables of my MIL's friends at our wedding, people who I'd never met and have not seen since, simply because MIL wanted to invite them (and as they were contributing a chunk it was difficult to say no).

Mind you, she did the same with DD1's first birthday, when she & SIL hijacked it and invited friends & neighbours.

rollonthesummer · 24/02/2017 12:27

rollonthesummer Except poor Zammo never said no, that was the whole problem

Very true :(

In the words of the singing cast of Grange Hill then.

Hesdeadjim · 24/02/2017 12:35

MY MiL2b has insisted on inviting 2 couples to our wedding.. that neither DP or I have ever met.. Hmm They invited us to their weddings last year on the insistence of their parents, but we didn't go because we felt bloody awkward about going to the wedding of people we've never bloody met! I'm hoping they have the good grace to do the same Sad

My parents are paying for the whole thing, so far contributions from MiL haven't been forthcoming. We're looking at about £80 a head, so in total £320 on people we dont bloody know if they decide to come.

Other bat shit requests:

Cake must be made by MiL's "talented" friend... who makes Thomas the tank engine birthday cakes which would give you nightmares.

Bridal party must have hair done at her salon and she'll be there at the same time

We're having a humanist wedding, she's insisted on being at the legal bit (jeans and t-shirt paper signing) in the morning.. and insisted her sister and BiL come too Hmm

She MUST know the colour scheme in advance so she can get a dress to "match"

My Mum isn't allowed to wear a hat, she's wearing one so DM must wear a fascinator

We can't have photos taken just me and DP off site, must all be on the premises at the hall Hmm

It goes on...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/02/2017 13:01

Maybe tell MiL that if she keeps on about it you'll just cancel the whole thing, go and get hitched abroad with a couple of hotel staff as witnesses?

DartmoorDoughnut · 24/02/2017 13:15

jim I hope you're saying no to all of them?!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 24/02/2017 13:22

Stop sharing information with this crazy demanding people. The less they know about the day, the less they can involve themselves in it apart from turning up on the day and being guests.

rollonthesummer · 24/02/2017 13:29

Are you agreeing to all of these things, Jim-you're mad if you are!

MidnightAura · 24/02/2017 13:46

Yanbu!

My in laws did this when we were wedding planning. Despite having the guest list they took it upon theselves to invite their best man and his family plus cousins DH had never met. They even booked these people hotels.

We found out and put a stop to it, we explained it was our wedding, it was a small, intimate immediate family and close friends for a reason. They couldn't and wouldn't put their sons wishes first and they didn't attend the wedding because they couldn't control the guest list and "they would know nobody" (They already had met my family so that was crap)

Fast forward almost a year later and we have had no contact with since. DH can't forgive them for refusing to attend our wedding.

Hesdeadjim · 24/02/2017 14:20

God no!

The only thing we've conceded on is she and the aunt are coming to the legal bit in the morning. They are going to be very disappointed, the plan is to all go in together, sign a bit of paper and leave! Grin

We are going to send the invites to the strangers, but there's a very pointed RSVP that has funny options on it on why you aren't/ are attending.. one of them is:

"We're not coming because we have no idea who either of you are, but we wish you all the best!"

Hopefully they'll get the hint

flowersalloverme · 24/02/2017 14:46

I don't understand all this. The hidden away in the attic Auntie for the last ten years is just SO rude. I cannot get my head around this sense of entitlement, and lack of basic manners.

At the slightest opportunity I will regretfully decline wedding invitations. No offence intended to anyone, but I really dislike weddings full stop and if I can get out of them I most certainly will.

I must be so odd when I think about it, because here is Auntie not only invited, but trying to bring half her family aswell. I wonder if the family/friends of Auntie REALLY want to be there or does Auntie just think this for optics or something.

Anyway OP, I really hope you have the most wonderful day. Do not back down on this. Auntie is not a dearly loved and close relative as far as I can make out. MIL will be MIL no matter about this and you will have emigrated far away by the time the SHTF.

Best of luck to you both. Looks like you're going to need it!

Original poster
CantGetAUserName · 24/02/2017 17:43

mykids! Wow you poor love, although your replies are the type of stuff I wish I could come up with on the spot Grin

Can't cancel or elope sadly, we have grandparents attending and we might not have much longer with them.

Thanks everyone, I was seriously starting to think I was being unfair by the way this has blown up. Never actually met 'auntie's son and god knows why he and his family would want to come anyway but no doubt auntie would force them. She seems to think she has special priority being MIL friend.

They're all going to turn up anyway aren't they Angry and I bet she's wearing white!

OP posts:
Hissy · 24/02/2017 17:57

You will have to become matriarch of your own family, and that starts right now.

Call aunt up yourself and say that you're clear on 1 invite for her ONLY and no additions.

If you can get in a "no exceptions considered and it would be so embarrassing for them if they were turned away, but that you absolutely would"

Tbh, id be honest and point out that this was as favour to your mil, but as it was beginning to cause stress and conflict that you're beginning to consider withdrawing both mil and aunties invite

mummypeepee · 24/02/2017 18:13

No no no! Speak to Aunt yourself and nip this in the bud

tabithakitty · 24/02/2017 18:38

YA DEF NBU.

That is all!

MetalMidget · 24/02/2017 20:56

Cake must be made by MiL's "talented" friend... who makes Thomas the tank engine birthday cakes which would give you nightmares.

This sounds AMAZING.

monkeymamma · 26/02/2017 08:50

metal I sooo want a nightmare thomas cake!

OP yanbu to feel cross about people coming to your wedding that you don't know. But yabhighlyU to say 'it will ruin our day'. Er, no it won't. You will barely notice if I'm quite honest.

There's a lot of outrage on this thread but what gets forgotten is that a wedding is not just about the young couple and 'having it your way'. If it was just about you then you'd go to the registry office alone and pick your favourite restaurant to celebrate in afterwards. It's about the whole community and all your family and friends. Yes it's your wedding day but MIL will be watching her son get married. She's not entitled to have her best friend there but I can understand why she would like her to be there. And imo it's not great form to invite someone on their own to the wedding if they won't know most people there. (Other than members of the bridal party - dh 'auntie' will be on her own while mil doing mother of groom stuff).

It's annoying but have you thought about just sucking it up? IMO it's preferable to a row which will colour your memory of the day. Nearly a decade on from my wedding and I have very happy memories of it BUT what mattered most about it was that it happened, and it led to what happened next ie our gorgeous dc and shared life together. 'Don't sweat the small stuff' is very useful approach when it comes to weddings.

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