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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wedding & Inlaws - the usual AIBU?

70 replies

CantGetAUserName · 24/02/2017 01:45

We are due to emigrate this year thanks to DP's job so decided while we were still in the UK to get married and everything is arranged, keeping it small and intimate - close family and friends etc.

DH 'aunt' (MIL Best friend) is invited although we haven't seen or spoke to her in 10 years. Turns out she has invited a whole load of other people along with her (son, partner etc) who we have never met! No consideration or request just a demand they must attend also.

I said no, we have catered etc and is already costing a small fortune, MIL blowing a gasket over us being 'unreasonable' DH stuck in the middle.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want people I don't know at my wedding and I certainly don't want to be paying for them! We are paying for everything ourselves and space is limited due to a small venue.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 24/02/2017 08:24

Your DH needs to learn to stand up for himself with his mother. He's a grown man. Probably a very good idea to emigrate as I suspect he'd cave in to her for the rest of your marriage (have seen it on MN time and time again) and in a few years you'd be back with "I have a MIL problem" and we'd all be replying "No, you have a DH problem".

I think I'd call her bluff, cancel the wedding as it is, have a farewell party with your family and joint friends, and get married abroad somewhere incredibly beautiful.

expatinscotland · 24/02/2017 08:31

I'd cancel the whole fucking thing and elope.

ShatnersWig · 24/02/2017 08:38

Always like it when expat agrees with me

CantGetAUserName · 24/02/2017 08:50

It would be an extra 5 people which would mean another table for the meal. Cheeky git hasn't even suggested an evening invite she wants the full bloody day!

Me and MIL don't get on at the best of times, I just wanted to make sure I wasnt being overly mean. As PP has said it's not really about the money, although every penny is a prisoner just now, it's the bare faced cheek! Why do people think this kind of crap is acceptable?!

Thanks to everyone who's replied though, I was starting to doubt myself

Flowers
OP posts:
Adnerb95 · 24/02/2017 08:52

Call their bluff and jointly say to MIL that it's either only the "Aunt" or no Aunt at all and therefore only immediate family at the wedding. That's the deal. Got to have a joint "party line" and stand firm.

You are, of course, being entirely reasonable and this woman is being ridiculous!

WonderMike · 24/02/2017 09:38

So if you haven't seen Mil's best friend for ten years, when was the last time you saw her son?

You are definitely not in the wrong here. Why would you invite not that you did some stranger to your wedding? And does he really want to come? Jeez it's bad enough having to go to the wedding of people you know - look at the wedding threads on here Grin

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 24/02/2017 09:44

Just wanted to add some smugness - we uninvited mil and our day went perfectly!! Grin .

Tell your dp this is the time to stand up to his dm then you will know you can expect him on your side for years to come - as he should be. If she gets her own way on this then you will be back on mn forever!!

StickyMouse · 24/02/2017 09:52

The brass neck on some people, I had a friend want to bring along a friend and her small son to my wedding, got huffy when I said no and I explained that I had to leave out cousins DC due to large family sizes, then the humdinger was she got stroppy that she would have to make her own way to the church, she wanted to travel in the wedding car with my Dad and I.

Stand your ground, keep smiling (albeit through gritted teeth), your MIL needs to suck it up.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 24/02/2017 10:02

I just wanted to make sure I wasnt being overly mean.

Which is really nice of you!

No, you're not being mean. Aunt is being gobsmackingly rude. And putting MiL in a very difficult position too, as well as you and Dh.

'Hi Very Pushy Aunt. It's a very small wedding, family only, we've made a special exception for you as you're important to our family but it is for you alone. We can't accomodate any other guests. If you don't feel you want to come by yourself then of course we'll miss you but we quite understand. We can't re negotiate on this so we'd ask you to please not ask MiL to appeal on your behalf. It puts her in a difficult position and weddings are stressful enough anyway! (tinkly laugh smiley....)'

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 24/02/2017 10:05

Oh and then appoint one or two large, cheerful and assertive family members to act as bouncers on the day if necessary Wink

Darlink · 24/02/2017 10:07

How can you even need to ask this ? Tell your dh to grow a backbone.
Have a wonderful day and good luck with the move Grin

Astro55 · 24/02/2017 10:11

Wow! Don't you just wonder what goes through these people's heads?

oh a wedding invite (addressed just to me) I'll ask DS and his family to join me!!!!

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 24/02/2017 11:40

Weddings bring out the absolute worst in people. I wonder what the "Aunt's" son and family think of getting a forced invite to a wedding of someone they don't actually know? If it were me I'd be mortified and it would be a polite decline anyway and a telling off to my mother.

I'll never forget trying to plan a wedding. Every little thing was a battle and every single time I said how DH and I wanted it, the in-law's acted like I was bloody bridezilla.

My MIL went crazy at our wedding trying to invite pretty much every single member of her extended family and friends who my husband either didn't know at all or hadn't seen since he was a small boy. She demanded personal transportation for them all too. (We couldn't afford wedding cars for even the B&G and in the end, I only had one because my mum's friend offered to chauffeur me in his vintage car)
Then to add insult to injury, she threw a massive tantrum at the fact that I had MY aunts and uncle invited but not hers. Thankfully my DH, stunned, told her that as the bride, mine should be invited and as he was the groom, his aunts and uncles would also be able there. Not our parent's aunts and uncles.
She insisted that my husband's sister and 2 nieces be my bridesmaids (forgetting that it's bride's choice and as we and my parents were financing it, could barely afford even my own MOH sister and my 2 DDs). I told her if I had DH's sis and 2 kids, then I would have to extend the offer to my own SILs and nieces on my own side, making it a minimum of 12 bridesmaids!
She went so far as actually cancelling our evening buffet caterers as she was a friend of theirs and wanted them to relax and attend the wedding instead (they owned our venue and were catering the entire event - which we were paying for) So who was to make the replacement buffet? Why MY aunts of course. One nursing an end stage terminally ill husband and the other 3 travelling between 4 to 8 hours to attend the wedding. She assumed that they could travel up and spend the evening and next morning pre-wedding cooking and baking for 200 guests. Suuuuure.

She also declared that it should be me to drive her around on the morning of the wedding to her hair and make up appointments. (Despite the fact that her own DD would be there and quite able to drive her around as I of course, would be busy getting ready as the sodding bride!)

According to her I was not to have my own step father and step mother (both lovely people and financial contributors to the wedding not that it matters at all) to sit at the top table with my own parents as they would outnumber her and her DH. I simply told her that with 6 months notice she is free to separate from her man and find new partners for both if being outnumbered bothered her so much. Grin

There was a whole crazy list of things she demanded and you know what? She got maybe two. Such as inviting SIL's friend and a very small handful of people we didn't know at all to the evening. That it. She stropped and kicked off but we just politely and consistently reminded her that her own wedding was over 40 years ago and should she wish to invite all and sundry to a wedding of her own design, then a vow renewal could be arranged.

Stay strong OP. It's YOUR wedding. Just keep reminding people of that. No one would demand you change your kid's pirate birthday party theme to princesses because their own child would prefer it so why do so many people assume they can tell you your wedding should be to their tastes too?

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 24/02/2017 11:41

Sorry. That was long. I guess I'm still not over it GrinGrin

Fucking wedding planning. Ugh.

rollonthesummer · 24/02/2017 11:43

In the words of Zammo, 'Just say NO!'

NoBiggie · 24/02/2017 11:44

I just don't understand how things like this happen or how people don't call others out when their behaviour is just beyond unreasonable. It's easy: "No MIL sorry your friend is invited but none of her guests are- do you want to tell her or should I?"

It really is that simple.

MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 24/02/2017 11:47

NoBiggie, I think it's down to the fact that someone so unbelievably unreasonable to demand crazy shit like that are also the type to kick up a huge stink when told no. Turning down reasonable people is easy as they respond reasonably 😂😂

Osirus · 24/02/2017 11:52

Mykids oh my god!

CurlyBlueberry · 24/02/2017 11:54

If it is due to e.g. a mobility issue where the Aunt needs another pair of hands in order to enable her to attend, I would personally consider letting her come plus one "carer".

Son, partner and whole family... absolutely bloody NOT!

Astro55 · 24/02/2017 11:57

Can't believe she expected you to drive her to the hair dressers!

Sorry - but why in earth didn't you elope?

ImperialBlether · 24/02/2017 11:57

Why would her son even want to be there?!

Pallisers · 24/02/2017 11:58

Who the fuck thinks they can invite extra people to someone else's wedding? This is bizarre and takes entitlement to a whole new level!

Not just that but who the hell wants to GO to someone's wedding that badly. What kind of drips are the son and his family that they'd trot along to a small intimate wedding of someone they hardly know?

Mykids that was unbelievable - I love the reply about there being time to separate and find new partners.

MissingPanda · 24/02/2017 11:59

What expat and Shatners said.

Ellie56 · 24/02/2017 12:01

Wow what unbelievable cheek. I would tell "Aunt" where to get off and if she carries on tell her that her invite is rescinded. And tell MIL to butt out it's YOUR and DP's wedding and you'll have who YOU want. YANBU -they are.

Good idea upthread though about cancelling and getting married somewhere else. Seriously think about it.

WateryTart · 24/02/2017 12:11

Stay firm, OP.

Bloody cheek.