To think my mother should make more effort with grandson

[ParsleyCake]

Since we had my now 2 year old son, we've been trying to spend more time with our families, so that DS will have a bond with his grandparents and aunts and uncles. My partner's family are doing a good job of this; they are almost always available to meet up or visit and are always offering to babysit. My mother (my dad passed away years ago) isn't doing much at all.

This is surprising to us both, as OH's family were not supportive parents, and were not very good to him (I won't go into detail, but it contributes to why I'm not comfortable taking up their babysitting offers), whereas my mum was there for both me and OH as we grew up (we met when we were quite young), and helped us out when we had no money, and drove us around to get to work and college and things like that, long after I left home. That said, I was a moody teenager and cut myself off emotionally from her...well it looks like that has come back to bite me, as she has become quite distant with us.

My mother is always 'too busy' or 'too tired' when we want to meet up. As I said, my son is 2 now and we have yet to get her to come out with us anywhere with him. She hardly ever visits, and though we try to visit her every weekend, she often fobs us off. It's not like we are expecting her to do much either - it takes us half an hour to walk to her house with the pram (we don't drive and don't have enough money to waste it on a bus if it isn't necessary) and then we just sit in her living room and talk to my sisters (she'll only come down to talk to us for a few minutes because she's 'too busy')and we're never offered tea or biscuits or anything. It's very awkward and uncomfortable.

All we want is for him to have a bond with his granny, but she doesn't seem to want to play ball. At first, when he was about 3 months old, she was happy to babysit him, but he cried a lot and after the first few times she got noticeably less enthusiastic. She doesn't have a good manner with babies, to be honest. She's too loud and 'in your face' and it freaked DS out, and though I tried to let her know, it just seems like she has decided he doesn't like her and she's not willing to make further effort. It's ridiculous, he's only a baby and yet she has repeatedly told me he doesn't like her - but he sees her less than once a month (during our visits where she barely talks to or touches him) and she doesn't seem to understand that she has to make an effort with him if he is going to like her.

This is all really starting to get to me, but I really could deal with it, because I know she doesn't have it easy. My siblings still live at home, she is a single mother, and she has bad health and a difficult job. It's no wonder she doesn't want to go out during the week or do anything too strenuous. I would argue that she could stand to give up an afternoon or morning, but truly I could even forgive that. If it weren't for her church.

Not long after DS was born, she started going to church, and because of that, her Sundays are now completely off limits. She's at church until mid afternoon, and after that it's 'too late' to do anything and she's too tired. Fair enough, there's still Saturdays, right? Nope, that's the one day she doesn't have plans and she needs it to relax and recover from the week. So while she allows visits sometimes on Saturdays, it feels very grudging and DS doesn't have much fun there and we don't feel particularly welcome.

I'm just getting quite upset at the moment. I feel really cut off from friends and family - none of my friends have kids and they are busy with the student lifestyle and studying, so though I do go out with them when I can, I can't talk to them about parenting issues - and parenting is pretty much my life now. There's only so much I can talk about my boring job. I have social anxiety and struggle to make new friends. Apart from that, we are really struggling with money and our only trustworthy option for babysitting is my mum.

What do I do? All I can think is to keep trying. I'm not usually so depressed, I'm an upbeat kind of person but every time I think about how my mum is slowly cutting us out of her life, I get upset and angry.

How old are you? You sound lonely and isolated and as though you are relying on your mum to fix things and look after you, as she has in the past. But you are an adult and a mother now, so it's up to you, although you sound as though you need a bit of support. Could your siblings babysit, maybe? Can you join some mother and baby groups? Maybe you could swap babysitting favours.

Somebody said to me that you get weaker and your children get stronger. I was much younger then, but I now know what she means. Your mother sounds exhausted and struggling. Just relax a bit and try not to put too much pressure on her. Your siblings will grow up, your mother will retire and have more time and energy, and your child will be older and easier, so the situation will probably be vastly different in a few years.

There are lots of posts about parents who refuse to allow their adult children space. They often say she/he won't accept that I am an adult and I need to choose how I spend my free time. Quite often these parents are desperate to spend time with the offspring and build a relationship.

This is possibly what your mum would post about you. It seems that she feels that she is physically and mentally exhausted by her responsibilities. This is heartbreaking for you, as you want a proper mum, you want to be her child. Hopefully when your son is a little older and can interact better they may form a better relationship.

In the meantime cut down the visits, be very pleasant to your mum and be postivewhen you are around her. Ithink if you try to shake of the parent/child relationship and move into two adults mode you might have more success. Also do you think you could invite your siblings to your home to give your mum some free time on a Saturday? You have already taken ownership of the problem by asking for help. Your mum does not see this as a problem, therefore only you can repair this situation by acting differently in a more adult role.

Sorry, this was much longer Han I meant it to be.

Thanks everyone.

There seem to be some misconceptions here. I'm not selfishly looking for a babysitter here (see my previous posts above) and in fact I do babysit my siblings quite often for her.

You say pay a babysitter? Who? And with what money? As I have said, we don't know anyone trustworthy (who'd do it for free) and we are strapped for cash.

I try to do things for my mum - like she did for me, I have lent her money to get her through hard times, I have offered frequently to take her or my siblings out (she always refuses) and as I said, I look after her other kids for her when she needs it.

I feel emotionally exhausted now, and to be honest I think I will just back off. I just thought that she would regret not making the most of her family while she still has it before she moves away, but I know it can't be forced.

Giving her the greatest gift by making her babysit, pmsl at that.

If you want date nights, book a sitter. It's not upto others to look after your children as you want a break, they didn't choose to have them you did.

She's almost at the end of her child rearing days and was very likely looking forward to her freedom. Stop making her babysit and she may actually start to enjoy her grandchild.

The best grandparents I know are the ones not forced into childcare but do things in their own way. Forced relationships never work out.

Other than taking DS to see her (which isn't helping out your mum per se) and buying expensive gifts at xmas, do you help your mum? Do you offer to have the teenagers over so she can get a break? They are old enough to look after or play with your son for a bit while you cook and clean for your Mum and let her put her feet up.
She works all week, comes home to teenagers and has you coming over every weekend with a lovely but presumably boisterous 2 year old. And she is unwell. I am healthy and in my 30s and I would be exhausted by that.

Could the teenagers not babysit?

I don't think you are all 'take take take' and I think you've had some harsh and uncalled for responses on this thread. Your Mum is not receptive to your efforts and you have no idea why. That's a hard place to be and she's not giving you any information. It is possible that she is just overloaded with work and responsibilities - but that is guess-work. I think the only thing you can do is back off now and do your own thing more as a young family. You have tried so hard and met with no response. Maybe give it a few weeks or a month and ask your Mum if she is okay or if she needs anything. I hear how much you want your Mum to stay in your life and I'm sorry it's so painful for you.

Also how about asking if your mums church every does a family service? Then you could go along too.

Please don't do this OP. Your mum would not want you forcing yourself and your child on her during the only time she has to socialise with her friends. This would be the very worse thing you could do in your effort to try and engage your mum in your sons life. Try backing off and let your mum come and see her grandchild when she wants to, rather than force him on her.

I get it, you expected your mum to be a bit more hands on. Nothing wrong with that but it does sound as though she has a lot on so I'd give it a rest.

BTW I only saw my nan about 6 times a year as a kid and I had a great relationship with her. It's quality not quantity, so if she's not interested in seeing him every week then leave it. Let her come to you.

Can the teenagers not babysit?

Is your mum depressed op? Very different behaviour might be a sign. Fwiw I don't think you are unreasonable. Babysitting aside not making an effort to spend time with you is hurtful.

Two things. Have you acknowledged to her how mean you were as a teenager and apologised genuinely? She may be protecting herself from more of that. Also l read that when baby cried a lot you told her what to do and she may have taken offence there and decided to keep her distance. Just befriend her as an adult. Forget your dc for the moment. Your relationship has broken down. Work on that.

You try to go there every week?
Why?!!!

You sound like you are dependent on other relatives to entertain you and your baby, you need to make your own life as a family unit stop being so needy!
My dcs see grandparents only a couple times if year due to distance and health issues,. It hasn't stopped them bonding.

For the love of god step back and let your family have some peace and quiet. Go out with dh and baby at the weekend or with friends. Give family abreak

Or invite the teens over and give mum a break.
Do something nice e for her around mothers day, cook dinner etc.

If you've got teen siblings surely they would baby sit for you? Your ds is 2yo, so it's not like leaving them with a baby.

But you don't need to see grandparents every week to have a great bond.
We live the other end of the country from my parents. We see them 2-3 times a year. Usually only 2x. They have a great bond.

Looking at the every week thing though it may be that actually you're trying too hard.
By expecting her to see you every week it's actually become a duty rather than a pleasure.

I love talking to dm on the phone. It's usually great, and I know she likes talking to me. We talk the same day of the week.
Now often I get to the putting the children to bed time and planning an early night and I remember that it's the night I phone and in all honesty my heart sinks. I think longingly of just getting off to bed and not talking. I know dm would miss not talking to me, and worries if I don't ring, so I phone.
I often start the conversation off by saying I'm tired and won't talk for long. Last week after starting that way I ran the battery out on two phones we talked for so long. In fact, I think it was dm who said she'd better go.

It's the fact that because we always talk then it kind of feels a duty, so I can, I'm going to put it as, resent the time. But I do actually enjoy it when it comes to it, it's the thought that sends me thinking I don't want to.

One thing you could easily stop doing is going to her house uninvited. She gas a job plus the teens and in a weekend a family of three turn up uninvited expecting cups of tea and fir her to play with baby
Wait for an invite. And invite her to yours. But stop the rocking up uninvited because you ate bored and want to hang out there. Go to the park instead

Why can't you ask your teenage siblings to babysit?

I think if she hasn't finished parenting her own brood it's no wonder that she's not got the emotional space and time to be a hands on GP.

I think when you have several children your reserves for caring are a bit used up, so maybe it's not what she's really focussed on.

Contrast that with becoming a GP after inky gave g two chikdren, the youngest if which is twenty five so no babies in the family for years....it's no wonder those GPs then to be more excited and hands on.

"I think if she hasn't finished parenting her own brood it's no wonder that she's not got the emotional space and time to be a hands on GP."

I agree. Toddlers are very tiring. If she works full time and still has children at home I suspect that she just wants some down time. Although I would still have expected her to show a little more interest in her grandson.

I hope this doesn't offend, but are you very young OP? Perhaps your mum didn't feel ready to be a grandmother yet.

Yes I think from my own point of view, I have children that still need babysitting, yet I have one in her twenties that could easily have had a baby. I don't think id really be that keen as I'm just finding space for myself. Yet if I hadnt have had the last two, I could see I would be really much more ready and keen!

Reading your posts I get a sense that your DM is exhausted from the emotional and physical effort of parenting especially as a lone parent. She has turned to her church for emotional support.
No one should be obliged to have more of a relationship with family than they want to. My MIL for very personal reasons has chosen not to be a hands on granny. I admire her honesty, she is a loving granny and indeed much loved granny. Your behaviour may have affected her, give your DM the space she needs.

Given that you babysit your siblings for her, have lent her money to help her out, and offer to take her/your siblings out, then YANBU to think she could shift herself to show a bit of interest in your DC. But if she won't she won't and continually trying to coax her into being involved is just going to be stressful and upset you.

Back off for a while and remember that your DS doesn't find this as upsetting as you do - he doesn't know any different.

Fwiw I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think anyone who has been in a similar situation will see your point of view.
My mum takes very little actual interest in ds and I do find it quite hurtful. We live in different countries so her contact is limited anyway but he's almost two now and the last time she contacted me to ask after him he was a couple months old. She reads and never responds to pictures or updates I send privately to her and hasn't sent anything for his birthday or Christmas.
I've stopped initiating contact because it made me angry to be ignored.
It's because most people have an idea that grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren and when your child is the one who doesn't have the adoring grandparent it is hard.
Unfortunately you just have to accept that some people aren't interested and you can't change them

Your mum has other children, is not in good health and is tired. Maybe she has nothing left to give.
You are expecting too much. When I was a child grandparents didn't run around after their grown kids and grandkids. Parents took their kids to see grandparents.
Ok, times have changed and parents both work longer hours but you should give your Mum a break....She deserves her own life now.

On the moving away thing - my youngest is 17 and we're thinking of moving once dc is settled at uni. This is a move for us, somewhere nice to live where we don't have to worry about schools or distance to work. Once you have children, you can feel very tied down to an area because, perhaps, you don't want to take them out of school, potentially disrupt their learning and take them away from friends. (Moreso for secondary, of course.)

Perhaps your mum is fed up of the area or the area changed, so that what she first saw in it, is no longer there? Or maybe she just fancies a change for her retirement.

I know we'd still be moving, even if a grandchild came along before we moved. Happy to welcome them in the holidays!
In the same vein, if one of our dcs wanted to move abroad, we'd see them off with good grace because it's their life.

It is sad if there is limited contact, but she is still raising her own family and is out of energy for a riotous toddler.

Sorry, but date nights without cost stop 9 months after you ditch the condom.