To think my mother should make more effort with grandson

[ParsleyCake]

Since we had my now 2 year old son, we've been trying to spend more time with our families, so that DS will have a bond with his grandparents and aunts and uncles. My partner's family are doing a good job of this; they are almost always available to meet up or visit and are always offering to babysit. My mother (my dad passed away years ago) isn't doing much at all.

This is surprising to us both, as OH's family were not supportive parents, and were not very good to him (I won't go into detail, but it contributes to why I'm not comfortable taking up their babysitting offers), whereas my mum was there for both me and OH as we grew up (we met when we were quite young), and helped us out when we had no money, and drove us around to get to work and college and things like that, long after I left home. That said, I was a moody teenager and cut myself off emotionally from her...well it looks like that has come back to bite me, as she has become quite distant with us.

My mother is always 'too busy' or 'too tired' when we want to meet up. As I said, my son is 2 now and we have yet to get her to come out with us anywhere with him. She hardly ever visits, and though we try to visit her every weekend, she often fobs us off. It's not like we are expecting her to do much either - it takes us half an hour to walk to her house with the pram (we don't drive and don't have enough money to waste it on a bus if it isn't necessary) and then we just sit in her living room and talk to my sisters (she'll only come down to talk to us for a few minutes because she's 'too busy')and we're never offered tea or biscuits or anything. It's very awkward and uncomfortable.

All we want is for him to have a bond with his granny, but she doesn't seem to want to play ball. At first, when he was about 3 months old, she was happy to babysit him, but he cried a lot and after the first few times she got noticeably less enthusiastic. She doesn't have a good manner with babies, to be honest. She's too loud and 'in your face' and it freaked DS out, and though I tried to let her know, it just seems like she has decided he doesn't like her and she's not willing to make further effort. It's ridiculous, he's only a baby and yet she has repeatedly told me he doesn't like her - but he sees her less than once a month (during our visits where she barely talks to or touches him) and she doesn't seem to understand that she has to make an effort with him if he is going to like her.

This is all really starting to get to me, but I really could deal with it, because I know she doesn't have it easy. My siblings still live at home, she is a single mother, and she has bad health and a difficult job. It's no wonder she doesn't want to go out during the week or do anything too strenuous. I would argue that she could stand to give up an afternoon or morning, but truly I could even forgive that. If it weren't for her church.

Not long after DS was born, she started going to church, and because of that, her Sundays are now completely off limits. She's at church until mid afternoon, and after that it's 'too late' to do anything and she's too tired. Fair enough, there's still Saturdays, right? Nope, that's the one day she doesn't have plans and she needs it to relax and recover from the week. So while she allows visits sometimes on Saturdays, it feels very grudging and DS doesn't have much fun there and we don't feel particularly welcome.

I'm just getting quite upset at the moment. I feel really cut off from friends and family - none of my friends have kids and they are busy with the student lifestyle and studying, so though I do go out with them when I can, I can't talk to them about parenting issues - and parenting is pretty much my life now. There's only so much I can talk about my boring job. I have social anxiety and struggle to make new friends. Apart from that, we are really struggling with money and our only trustworthy option for babysitting is my mum.

What do I do? All I can think is to keep trying. I'm not usually so depressed, I'm an upbeat kind of person but every time I think about how my mum is slowly cutting us out of her life, I get upset and angry.

How much do you babysit your siblings for your mum? Do you ever give her a break?

Maybe you try too hard?

As much as I love my sisters children I would go spare if they came every single weekend. I just couldnt handle it every weekend.

I dont see them that much but they know who i am very well and we play well together and are very affectionate to each other.

Maybe if you didnt push it every weekend you might have more luck

Is she cutting you out of her life? Or is she leaving you to get on with it?

Single parent... teenage children... bad health. Give the woman a break! My youngest sibling is 11 she's the last of 8...my mum is a single parent. I would never dream of taking my DD to her every week, she's busy and has her own life. I make arrangements to visit and if I need to have her babysit. But I don't expect my mother to drop things in her life to facilitate me and my child's needs... as far as I'm concerned she really has no obligations to my DD or me. She loves DD as much as her other grandchildren.

I'm sure she really needs those Saturdays for her me time... just like all mothers do! would love to have.

I never get the sense of entitlement people get about obligations their parents have to their children... IMO parents have already done their jobs, it's a bonus if you get more. After all they were people before they became parents ... with varying interests etc. Some of which would have been halted to raise children... so they are entitled to be selfish once their children are grown.

YABU... expecting her to be available every week, because that's what you'd like. It's probably putting her off. I know two yr olds are lovely... but I can imagine she'd probably find it exhausting having to babysit a toddler.

And as PP have asked... when was the last time you gave her a break?

I understand that you feel disappointed about your mum's lack of interest in her grandson. It does seem as if she has a lot on her plate ie job, siblings her choice commitment.

Some people find toddlers hard work and from what you have said it sounds as if she has struggled to bond with him. He is only 2 so there is loads of time to establish a relationship. My mother was not a baby person and never once held children and has never babysat. Once they were older she was able to take more of an interest in them, she chats to them on the phone, sends them newspaper clippings, knows all their favourite sweeties and they love their Granny. Don't give up yet, it's early days.

One of the posters above suggested building up your relationship with her. Perhaps leave off the visits for a couple of weeks, then pop round by yourself with a packet of biscuits and offer to make her a cup of tea.

Are your sisters able to babysit? You mention that your in laws have offered to babysit. Why not give them a chance, if only for a couple of hours during the day. Build it up until you feel more confident.

Good luck OP.

Although I don't have grandchildren yet, and I suspect I will annoy DIL/SIL through the wish to be over involved, it is a tiring life your DM has at the moment. She is still parenting teenagers, works and is physically frailer that when you were a toddler. I work and am not in the best of health and find it essential that I recharge my batteries at the weekend. It sounds like you are quite a young mum, maybe her life is not yet at the point she can be the doting grandma you demand.

I feel quite suffocated reading your posts. You don't have all the answers for her woes. You haven't asked any questions so how could you.

What does your mum need? Answers this with an open mind.

Also have you ever apologised for your behaviour as a teen? If you broke her heart once she is probably wary. We are human parents, not robots. As a pp very wisely said, there are no shoulds.

I also think you should offer to give your mum more help and that might help a mutual arrangement. Plus your siblings would get to spend more time with your child so it's a win win situation.

Also how about asking if your mums church every does a family service? Then you could go along too. My Bruce loved going to church (even though my sibling and husband didn't!) because she lived the singing/Sunday school. It might give your mum a chance to show off your child to her church friends and bond.

Niece not bloody Bruce

I am a DGM but my DCs have long since left home, it was about 17 years ago the youngest left.
So I love to see DGC but find them exhausting. I am just older and as it is just occasionally I am not used to lifting up small DCs, they seem v heavy if you do it occasionally. And I would think if I had a house full of teenagers all I would want on a day off is peace and quiet.
My DCs never saw much of their GPs. We didn't live near any and I never felt my DCs missed out. I, of course, was in touch by phone and they visited maybe once a year. But DCs didn't miss out imv.
I got to know other DPs with small children. They were who I socialised with and my DCs played with. GPs weren't missed.
I think you have a fairytale view of GPs and should stop trying. You never know DM might be much more interested when your DD is older and easier to converse with.

Your post is very self absorbed. It completely focusses on what you want & need. Your mum probably is knackered & sounds as though she has a lot of childcare responsibilities and may not have the headspace or energy to take on more even if she'd like to in other circumstances. Of course, the other factor is that some people don't particularly like or know what to do with babies & young toddlers but get more involved as the children get older. Others much prefer the baby stage.
How many siblings live with your mum? How old are they? Can't you invite your siblings on trips out with you? As your siblings and your DS get older, they are the obvious choice for babysitters.
What are you doing about your financial situation? That may help you with some of the other problems. When are you due to return to work/study? If your DS went to nursery, that would help with the interacting with and being cared for by others.

You seem to have had a harsh response here! See the recent post below, you are not alone...

To be dissapointed with my parents
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/2856678-to-be-dissapointed-with-my-parents

It sounfs like your mum spent alot of time heloing you and oh out when you were younger. And probably should have been doing more for yourselves.

She is just knackered, you say she has done huge amounts for you and now begrudging her, her own life

Every week is ridiculous, you are incredibly demanding and I'm not surprised she's making excuses!

You don't need to see her every week to form a bond, my DPs dad sees the DC every 2/3 months and they get along just fine.

Your mum has raised you,and is still raising your siblings. She has no obligation to babysit for you, if you want to go on "dates" as you put it, hire a babysitter like the rest of us.

You sound as though you have a massive chip on your shoulder, as though your mum owes you something. Are you quite young?

Back right off, and let her see your son on her terms. If she is feeling less pressured she'll likely want to spend more time with him.

Seems like your attitude is take, take, take. You say you are rewarding her with your visits but seem to expect everyone to drop everything and offer tea and biscuits. Your mum probably just wants a break. Maybe she doesn't like small babies, I know I don't really want much to do worth kids until they can talk and interact more. Also it sounds like you criticise the attempts she does make to interact with him, so maybe she just can't win. Perhaps she'll grow into her role as granny more as your son grows up. Stop being so demanding.

You do sound very low, but I think you're fixating on the wrong issue with regards to your mum. She works, she has teenagers at home, she was as you said supportive in the past, and to be very honest sometimes spending time with a toddler is not a "reward" .

And she's thinking of moving away?
Maybe she wants a fresh start. Maybe it would be to a cheaper area or for the benefit of your siblings.
Yet you see it as "your entire family" moving away. You have a family. Your partner and son.
You sound very young and immature. Be happy with what you have.

She might just feel she has done her bit. My parents didn't do much (but were hundreds of miles away) when I had my children but my brother was still at home and my mother in particular was looking forward to some child free years so I perfectly understood and these are my children not hers. However we are in a family where people leave for university miles away at 18 so not large family all living very close. Different families have different cultures.

In fact our family are the opposite - I felt one of the best things my mother did was not crowding around when I had my babies just born as I wanted time and space to be a very small family and my idea of a nightmare would be having to see extended family every weekend and I am sure my daughter (who has a baby) is the same!!! It just shows you can't please everyone.

Why not just talk to your mother about this - eg she might be happy to have the child on her own for half a day once a month without you there. Is that an option?

I feel for you - my dcs grandparents are not the doting kind...it can't be forced. Our dcs don't care, they have never really known the love of their grandparents but the odd thing my parents do is get the hump when the dcs don't want to cuddle them - it's like they feel love is there through nature without the need for nurture and they are wrong.

Your sense of entitlement is mind-blowing. You don't want your child to broaden his social circle. You want a cheap babysitter so you and your fiance can date. Seriously. YVVVVBU.

I think part of the problem might be that you did not have a good relationship with your DM as a teen. Are you wanting this closeness for your DS in compensation for what you missed out on?
There seems to be a bit of desperation in your wish for more time and attention from you DM.
She might be more interested once her DCs have left home.

Hi Op

I do understand what you are saying, but sometimes our parents just want a break and your mum sounds like she has a lot on.

They have done the raising of their children and now just want the fun things. If it helps, my son is nearly 5 and I think has only ever been looked after 3 or 4 times by family, he is doing just fine.

My mum sees him about once a month and my dad less, my partners parents have both died, so while I feel its important for my son to have that relationship with my parents, I also get that they both want to do their own things, for me the thing is if I need them in an emergency they are there, DS has a good relationship with them, and its getting better as he is getting older, especially with my Dad who was never a big fan of babies.

Apart from that, we are really struggling with money and our only trustworthy option for babysitting is my mum

That's what leaps out of your OP, you want a babysitter.

I do not get the impression that you want to spend any time with her at all. You only want your child to have a grandma - as if it is another tick in the "good parents" box - like a good nursery or regular dental check-ups.

Do something for your mother without your DS. Take her out for lunch and listen to her, as a person, as someone you love. Swap stories and ideas, help her with what seems to be a difficult life. You or DH could offer to mow the grass, clean the windows, build a bookcase - whatever she needs.

Poor woman must be exhausted. Her church is the one place where people don't want something from her.

My DD is 18 and as soon as she could she started to share the burden. She waited in for the plumber, came with me to the tip, does the shopping - and listens to me.

Maybe she's angry about the way you treated her as a teenager and thinks that as an adult you should have a bit more self awareness about how unreasonable you're being. Your post is suffocating...I'm not surprised she sits upstairs when you visit every single weekend. When was the last time you did anything for her?

My DD saw her grandmother (her only grandparent) five times in total in her first year and they have a lovely bond. I'd stop putting the pressure on for so many frequent visits. Once your Mum stops feeling under pressure maybe it will change.

I found it very isolating being at home with a baby but baby groups were a lifesaver. The children's centre ones or church hall ones usually only cost £1-2 and you'll meet people in the same boat.