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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit pissed off about this?

36 replies

DannyOD · 23/02/2017 10:09

It's my mum and dad's 60th wedding anniversary this year and they wanted to do something special with the family. They have decided to take us all away (there is 19 of us including their grandkids) for the weekend. However, they can't really afford it so have asked us all to put money towards it.

Bit of back story here, I am one of four children, my brother and sisters are all very well off - we are not. We have very little extra money for 'fun' things. My husband was made redundant recently and although he now has another job he doesn't earn as much as he did previously so we have to top it up each month with his redundancy pay off money.

I have asked if we could not instead go out for a really nice meal or something but mum is adamant this is what she wants to do so we have to all pay her some money towards it. On top of this we will have to pay out for a cattery and kennels for the weekend as well as spending money for while we are there. I know my brother will want to do something like get champagne and a cake for one of the nights that we will all have to chip in for too.

Is it wrong for me to feel angry about being railroaded into something that we cannot afford? Of course I want to celebrate their special anniversary but does it have to be such an extravaganza?

OP posts:

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 10:12

That's really difficult. Have you told them you can't afford it. Is that obvious in your lifestyle? I'd probably sacrifice quite a lot (but I wouldn't go into debt) to fulfill these wishes on such a milestone.

Soubriquet · 23/02/2017 10:13

I would be open and say I can't afford to do it

Your mum will be upset but you can't Magic up money

Original poster

DannyOD · 23/02/2017 10:15

They initially said they would pay our share when dh was out of work but now he has a job they want us to pay (I have explained the shortfall). I don't think they have thought about all the extra expenses for us to be honest and as it is already booked and a deposit paid I feel there is very little I can do about it. We will have to forgo our little family holiday we had planned (Sun £9.50 holiday) to go to this instead.

OP posts:

NancyDonahue · 23/02/2017 10:16

Don't go if you can't afford it. Be honest with them. Have a nice meal out with them when they get back.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 10:18

The problem is that sometimes you can 'magic' up money and it is tempting to in order to keep up - but I've seen the after math of that.

If someone can't accept me and my means they don't get to be in my life.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 10:19

Cross posted. If you sacrifice your family holiday for one year I don't think you will regret that. Your mum and dad are only 60 once. But he clear of the sacrifice you have made.

WorraLiberty · 23/02/2017 10:22

Just don't go.

Take them out for a meal instead, like you suggested.

Mumzypopz · 23/02/2017 10:24

I wouldn't go..I hate these things where someone thinks it's a good idea and everybody gets railroaded into something. Years ago we got railroaded by Sil, who thought it would be a good ideas to all chip in and get expensive wooden garden furniture for pil. We'd have rather got a separate gift, but she wanted to get this furniture and couldn't afford it on her own. Years later guess who has the furniture in her garden...Sil. Pil got fed up with it, and gave it to her. She never asked us if we wanted any if it. Still grates me to this day....

ohtheholidays · 23/02/2017 10:24

Don't forgo anything your Mother is a grown woman and needs to act as such!

This would be a good lesson to teach your DC that you don't have to always bend over backwards to please someone else especially at the expense of your family,it's also a good lesson in that if you can't afford to do something that you don't do it no matter how much you want to.

It sounds like your Mum could do with a lesson as well in how to not act like a spoiled child,I have 2 older sons and there is no way me and my DH would ever try to dictate what they do or how they spend they're money!

Tell her your very sorry but you can't possibly afford it,if she moans tell her she was aware that your DH had lost his job and say your already well into his redundancy money just so that you can get by.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 10:25

Mumzypopz

That's terrible! Didn't you every mention it to her? I couldn't have held my tongue.

NancyDonahue · 23/02/2017 10:26

Mumzy

Ellie56 · 23/02/2017 10:27

Why should you forego your family holiday? You really need to stand your ground here and tell your mum you can't afford to go and pay all the other expenses on top.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 10:29

Wow these responses are pretty unanimous! Do what they say op! I'm coming from a family who never asks anything like this of me, but I suppose if it was a one off you wouldn't be angry.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 23/02/2017 10:29

Don't go.
Explain that whilst you would love to celebrate with them your financial situation is not up to that amount of expense.
If anyone has anything to say against that tell them you'd rather see your children fed and bills paid than get into debt for a weekend away.

Ellie56 · 23/02/2017 10:30

Why should you forego your family holiday? You really need to stand your ground here and tell your mum you can't afford to go and pay all the other expenses on top.

TheMasterNotMargarita · 23/02/2017 10:30

Let them lose the deposit if it comes to it.

The80sweregreat · 23/02/2017 10:33

It so hard when people just dont understand that with the best will in the world you simply cant afford it all? i would understand as i;ve been there myself ( and not that wealthy now either ) but to some people there just isnt any concept of not having enough for special treats or champagne.
i think you need to be a bit blunt about it- cant afford it all, willing to go out with your mum and dad for meal or lunch or something, but thats it.
your own family holiday is also important.

Original poster

DannyOD · 23/02/2017 10:33

Thank you everyone. Ohtheholidays - you have hit the nail on the head. My mum does act like a spoilt child, I know if I say we are not going she will cry, then my dad will have a go at us for upsetting mum and I end up feeling like a scolded child again and go along with things to keep the peace.

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom1 · 23/02/2017 10:36

You're not a child though, you have to stand up for yourself. Are you close enough to your siblings to get them onside as back up?

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 23/02/2017 10:36

Had you budgeted for their gift? Could you say either to give them a gift or use that money to join them on the holiday but not both?

diddl · 23/02/2017 10:37

If the doing something special involves others paying then you have to be prepared for people to say no.

Even if affordable, it rankles (imo) to be told what to do with your own money!

I mewan endless grand gestures are possible when you're not paying, aren't they?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/02/2017 10:42

I'm going to go very a different perspective ; this celebration happens only once... Go and have the best time possible and celebrate!

Wont your siblings help out if you're struggling so much??

marvelmummy13 · 23/02/2017 10:42

Explain you can't go because of cost or ask your mother if you can make a contribution that you can afford no matter how big or small . Tell her what you can afford . If she doesn't like it she can pay for you to go or you don't go simple as. I think its disgusting your expected to get into debt for someone else.
My Sis and BIL got married on a cruise and they wanted us to fork out 3.5k for us to go . Im not married myself and have no money so i certainly wouldn't get into debt for someone else so I didn't go safe to say I wasn't the favourite

OllyBJolly · 23/02/2017 10:49

Is there no way you could join in but do it more cheaply e.g. stay in a nearby B&B, go for one night not two?

Going against the tide I would forgo a holiday for such a milestone event as parents' 60th wedding. That is a huge landmark.

featherland · 23/02/2017 10:51

What do your brother and sisters say? Would they understand?

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