AIBU to think that just because our son is biologically his nephew, doesn't give him more rights?

[DuffieMuffin]

I had typed this out for relationships, but then realised it's kind of an AIBU, so thought I'd give here a shot.

I've obviously changed my username as this is rather identifying.

Bit of a backstory (don't want to drip feed):
DH's sister (they hardly ever see each other/get along) had a baby who she just couldn't look after. She never wanted him and was very quick to say she doesn't want him (the day of the birth). It's a rather sad situation (wants to be homeless doing drugs, etc. it just doesn't matter how much you try and help her she isn't ready for that) and she is in contact with none of us. None of us even know her whereabouts.

Anyway, we went through a very long process and ended up adopting him. We are his legal parents are both have parental responsibility. We are mum and dad. However, he is obviously biologically DH's nephew. He seems to think this gives him more rights... Morally, is that true? I obviously disagree with it. He's my son, I'm his mother. We are his parents. I don't understand why he has this mindset.

If we argue, he will always bring it up about how he's biologically his family, which I think is just spiteful. We are in no way unhappy in our marriage btw. It's just something that he has a view on and genuinely believes.

Morally, do you think that gives him the 'power' between us as parents??

I have 3 children via donor sperm with my DH. They are therefore 50% biologically mine 0% biologically his. I'm aware of it but I never think I know them better because of it or have more rights to make decisions in respect to them. I do sometimes think I know 1 of my dds better (slightly difficult character and requires a lot of understanding) but its because I am primary caregiver and spends loads of time with her trying to help her with anger issues and he works in a demanding job and just can't give it the same time as me. Even if I did have those thoughts (which I don't) I can't imagine ever voicing that to DH or using that issue to hurt him (I'm not a saint I might use other things but that's a no-no to me).

To be honest, even some of these comments hurt.

DH was never there as an uncle first. He didn't even know she was pregnant until he was born.

He even said "we can't take him on, we are TTC" (which we were) it was me who said that surely it's the perfect time to take him on, when we're TTC.

I think you need this sorting, he can be either his uncle or his Dad - he can't have it both ways...

If he wants to be "bio uncle" then he has fewer rights than you as his "mum"...

Please get some counselling around this as your DS will soon be of an age to pick up on it which could be harmful due to the "complicated" situation

I think you need this sorting, he can be either his uncle or his Dad - he can't have it both ways...
But he can, because that is exactly what he is -biological uncle and adoptive parent!

"I think you need this sorting, he can be either his uncle or his Dad - he can't have it both ways..." but he is both. I know that's not what the OP wants to hear, but it's how it is. And in time the child will get to know that and may even acknowledge it.

I had at least two friends at school who had been adopted by grandparents, one in very similar circumstances to the OP's ds, And they were both very clear, and very open about the fact that "my sister is really my mum." There is also a member of my family who was adopted by my grandmother who knows, and all the family know and acknowledge, that while he is seen as their brother/uncle etc, he is in fact their nephew/cousin.

It's a minefield, and the OP and her DH do need to talk about it before the DS gets much older and starts to realise about his family background etc.

And IMO it's not compairable to sperm/egg donation because one of the parents is the biological parent, and the couple embark on the pregnancy/birth etc together, whereas in this case neither is the biological parent but one partner is a biological relative, and the biological parent comes from his side of the family, and at some point, the child will want to acknowledge that. It doesn't diminish the OP's place in his life or her rights to parent him as an equal parent, but his dad's side hold the key to his heritage, and even his father's side of his heritage if his biological mum ever wants to share that information.

I wonder tbh if any of this was discussed with the OP and her DH at the time they took this child on as a baby, or whether the authorities were so desperate to keep him within the family that they didn't impart any of this kind of information, and now OP is coming to it the hard way. .

Gosh I think he is completely wrong. He is his uncle as well as his dad but that doesn't give him any more say. It may give him more understanding of DS (if they share genetic character traits) and it means he can provide DS with family history in due course but it does not make him more in charge of decisions or closer to DS.

There are lots of families out there where the child is biologically one parent's but not the other's but both parents have been there since birth - sperm donor, egg donor situations. It would be extraordinary to suggest the biological parent has more "rights" or "power" in relation to the child.

Am I right in thinking that dh only brings this up to use as a 'weapon' against you when you disagree? If so, he is being unfair and unkind.

I would echo what pp said, this issue needs to be discussed in a quiet moment, away from any particular argument. There are a lot of complex feelings to untangle.

For what it's worth, my biological family have no greater understanding of my children simply because they share DNA! In terms of personality traits my children have far more in common with their Uncle's girlfriend and my best friend (who are obviously not biologically related to them in any way!!). I think because of the background your DH is reading too much into the 'uncle' relationship and is seeing things that aren't really there. What he's doing to you is dreadful though because he's undermining your entire relationship with your son. I am so sorry you're going through this, OP. What a horrible situation!

Does your DH actually feel like he's your little boy's Dad? It may be that he truly feels more like just his uncle, in which case I wonder how he sees your relationship with your son. I can't even imagine how heartbreaking any of this must even be for you. I agree with PPs that I think you could both do with some counselling.

Are you still TTC? I wonder, you mentioned that it was your idea to adopt and it sounded like he was unsure of the timing, etc. Does he feel any resentment, do you think, that you adopted your son rather than conceiving a baby together?

I really do feel for you, OP, and hope you can resolve it for all of your sakes. X

Absolutely not. You are both his adoptie parents and have the exact same rights. To be honest that's pretty disgusting he throws that in your face.

Lovely bigweald. Just lovely

You are his mum. He has no more rights than you. He does not know how your son will grow up. He shares approx 25% of your son's dna. 75% is different.

He does not get to claim some mystical deeper knowledge of your son. You will find out his likes/dislikes together. And as his mum and dad make decisions together.

I'm so sorry he is throwing the genetic link in your face (although re schools any family might say the same. My best friend's daughter isn't biologically hers. And her mum will still say 'well noone in our family likes pears' if her daughter turns her nose up etc).