AIBU to think that just because our son is biologically his nephew, doesn't give him more rights?

[DuffieMuffin]

I had typed this out for relationships, but then realised it's kind of an AIBU, so thought I'd give here a shot.

I've obviously changed my username as this is rather identifying.

Bit of a backstory (don't want to drip feed):
DH's sister (they hardly ever see each other/get along) had a baby who she just couldn't look after. She never wanted him and was very quick to say she doesn't want him (the day of the birth). It's a rather sad situation (wants to be homeless doing drugs, etc. it just doesn't matter how much you try and help her she isn't ready for that) and she is in contact with none of us. None of us even know her whereabouts.

Anyway, we went through a very long process and ended up adopting him. We are his legal parents are both have parental responsibility. We are mum and dad. However, he is obviously biologically DH's nephew. He seems to think this gives him more rights... Morally, is that true? I obviously disagree with it. He's my son, I'm his mother. We are his parents. I don't understand why he has this mindset.

If we argue, he will always bring it up about how he's biologically his family, which I think is just spiteful. We are in no way unhappy in our marriage btw. It's just something that he has a view on and genuinely believes.

Morally, do you think that gives him the 'power' between us as parents??

It's more annoying now because you are 100% his mother and you weren;t when he arrived.

It needs tackling.

I think family counselling if possible/available might help here

Logically then if your DH does have more rights (and I don't think he does) shouldn't he get DS 2 presents for Xmas and birthdays, one from his DF and another from his Uncle?

He needs to stop this and stop it fast.

He needs to decide is he this little boys uncle or his father. As an uncle he has no say but as his father he needs to work with his mother, and that is you.

He needs to think about what message his stance will send to the kid!
i.e. that you're not his real family because he's "just" your adopted kid
Not nice for the poor kid (and obv not nice for you)
he is doing the kid no favours by being possessive over him

What Tinsel said. It's important to your child that he feels that you are 100%, totally and completely his mum. Which you are. Any suggestion that DH is more his parent is making you less. And that shouldn't happen.

Some good advice on here.

To me it sounds like although he may not be doing it on purpose, the way in which he is expressing his bond to his son (not nephew!) is excluding you.

The dynamic is reminiscent of a biological father & step mother. Which is not on at all.

You are his mother. And as others have said, by eroding or devaluing that adopted relationship, he's teaching his son that only blood relatives are proper family. Which intensifies the upset around his bio mum and why she chose drugs over her baby. Not ok to set the child up for more pain like that when it's completely unnecessary and unhealthy.

It's nice to see family resemblances and patterns, but not when used as a tool for demonstrating superior status!

Of course YANBU. How damaging for your DS when he gets older if he gets the impression your DH is somehow more "family" than you.

I think the donated egg/sperm analogy is appropriate. Also, babies aren't more their mother's because they've carried them through pregnancy. DH is wrong. Can you ask social services whether there is any counselling you can access?

I don't want to say too much as it's very personal my life but your DP needs to take into account how your son feels. If your son views you as his mum and calls you mum then whether your partner thinks he has more rights or not is irrelevant. He has put his nephew in a situation where he has adopted him jointly with a mum not raising him alone with bought in help. In my family circumstance the non biological parent has a better relationship and see each other as adults than the biological bond as it's about how they made you feel as a child (loved and secure)

I think I'd quote what Palisers said about him treating him like his nephew, not is child and you adopting out of love and not obligation. Very good points .... or club him over the head ;). I'd be very upset. Hopefully it's more a case of not realising how he sounds.

is it possible that it comes from a guilt/fear perspective, wanting to protect his son from going intonthe same direction as his sister?
its still not very nice, but if we are afraid, we often don't make a lot of sense!

Your dh is massively wrong and it's horrible of him to keep pointing it out

It's like his get out clause to get his own way

You are his mother. He is his father.

You both have equal rights

If he is 3, now is probably the right time to start making him aware (in an age appropriate way) that he is adopted. He will eventually learn that his dad is a blood relative and his mum isn't. There is no way round that op.your dh does not legally have more rights of course but you cannot deny he has an extra level of connection you don't have. You have to face that. There are loads of couples desperate to adopt a baby.you would have been unlikely to have got this child if your dh hadn't been a relative

So what "rights" does DH believe he is afforded that you are not?

I agree with the donor egg scenario - that's certainly what came to mind reading your op.

I'm sure you'll want to explain to ds about his adoption in an age appropriate way, and as part of this it will be important that the message is loud and clear that you're his mum 100%. Your DH needs to realise this and knock his comments on the head, pronto.

That's a really horrible thing for him to say

Morally, he had a familial "duty" to step in to help with his nephew. You did not have that same duty. Therefore, morally, you are the one who has been extra-specially kind and decent to step up, whereas he has just done what a good family member should.

Now, morally I don't believe the above, and morally what your DH is saying is equally stupid, but this is the other side of his argument.

You are his parents. Morally I could argue that I've put more effort into my children because I gave birth to them... except that wouldn't be moral either, it's just bollocks. Parents come from different starting points, that doesn't ever make one more "parenty" than the other.

It is not ok for him to undermine your position like this. It would make me question his moral fibre.

My son is not biologically mine, but he is legally and I'm on his birth certificate. I would be devastated at the suggestion that DW had more rights over him than me due to biology

Your DH is being a prat. Of course has hasn't got more rights than you simply because he's biologically related. That's not how it works.

Why is he trying to be controlling?

If I understand you correctly OP, he is not claiming more 'rights' per se but rather he is claiming to 'know' your child in a way you don't (by having intimate knowledge of the child's family history, or at least one half of it).

Which is something most adopters do not have, and at times may struggle with this lack. E.g. wondering where a child's artistic streak comes from. Or failing to recognise said artistic streak due to totally not anticipating it. One reason why authorities try to place children within the family if possible is because this link to one's genetic family can be very valuable, especially to the child. I think it would be wrong for you to totally discount this link, pretend it doesn't exist, pretend your DH is ONLY an adoptive father. He is ALSO a link to the child's genetic heritage.

But it seems to me that part of the argument is about which 'knowledge' of the child counts most, the knowledge derived from day to day caring and parenting, or the knowledge from knowing family history. Is he claiming more say in decision making due to having more 'knowledge', even if in some cases maybe only implicitly? E.g. many decisions are, at the end of the day, based on intuition/feelings. A school may just 'not feel right' to him whereas it 'feels right' to you. And then the question arises whose feelings should count more. Yours is based on your intimate knowledge of your son as he is now. Very important; however, over the course of 7 years of primary school, children change a lot and a school that is right for a 3 or 4 year old may be a bad fit for the same child when they are 9 or 10. His feeling may be based on an intimate knowledge of how people in his family tend to develop across childhood. Which is also important; however, it may blind him to seeing his child as an individual person. Just seeing the expected 'family likeness' in a self-fulfilling prophecy way, rather than seeing the whole child with all the ways he is similar/different to other family members.

If you are in effect regularly arguing over whose knowledge counts most for making decisions, your knowledge of the child derived from everyday caring or his knowledge derived from family history, then as PP have said this is problematic for your child who will get mixed messages when what he needs is clarity and strong guidance, and no whisper of a doubt as to who you both are to him. Namely, his parents, his mum and dad.

Maybe a way forward would be for you both to discuss this in a quiet moment, away from any particular argument. You may need to explain to him how his mixed messages can be damaging to your DS. He needs to become more aware of what he is saying and why, and stop using it as a tool in arguments.
You may also need to take a step in his direction by fully acknowledging that there IS a genetic relation between him and your DS, that your DH DOES have valuable knowledge through this link, and be prepared to take his feelings and opinions that are based on this family knowledge seriously. (That doesn't mean blindly believing all he says!)
I'm saying this because I can imagine (but may be wrong) that part of the reason why he keeps throwing the genetic link at you in arguments is as a defensive reaction to you who may keep minimising said genetic link, failing to acknowledge it. Maybe if you fully acknowledged it and its value, he would feel less need to always claim it.
Then, together, you can explore just what the value and limitations of the genetic link are, just what resources it offers you and what potential stumbling stones it presents.
But as long as he claims it for himself and you reject it, you won't be able to work together on this and move on.

I've read the OP's post but not rtft, sorry.

Is your DH definitely doing this because he's blood related and you're not, or is he perhaps just over doing that thing where you project your likes/dislikes onto your children? The example you give is one that any parent could say regardless of whether their coparent is also a blood relative.

Also, I think if I was your DH then I'd probably have some quite tangled emotions about whether I somehow needed to compensate for my sister's lack of parenting, so that might feed into it.

Don't assume he's being a dick unless he's definitely being a dick, is all I'm saying.

Tbh I think it's complex.

The reality here is that your DH is biologically related to this child, and the fact is that this is the reason you were both able to adopt him.

And as he grows up, he will grow up knowing that side of his heritage.

I do agree with a PP that it's possible that he sees him as his nephew first and son second, because he was there as a nephew before the possibility of adoption came up iyswim?

I also wonder though whether there are concerns on your side e.g. That because this is a child who has been adopted from a family member there is a chance that in time he will gravitate towards his biological family and may even reconnect with his biological mum in time if she gets her act together.

In terms of legal rights, you are of course legally both his parents. However I do imagine that biology would be taken into account if you were to split, and dh's family would likely have rights to access which most families couldn't just claim, on the basis that this child was placed with you in order that he remain within his biological family.