To have a little whinge about how privileged patents of NT children are?

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😩
It's half lighthearted, half just exhausted from a horrific day.

DS is 3 and is autistic. He's non verbal, a bolter, doesn't understand language, has no way of communicating and is EXTREMELY strong. (Took four very big male doctors to pin him down to examine him last time we were in A&E)

So stupidly, today, in half term we went to a soft play. 'The best soft play in your area!' It had amazing reviews, and I spent ages researching it, like, hours. Me and DH decided it would be safe, as it lets adults onto the main frame, and there was a gated 1-5 section that looked amazing, and there was a sensory room if it all went to pot and he needed to calm after a meltdown.

Well. We spent the best part of £20 for DS to have a meltdown, nearly be scalded by coffee and have a serve asthma attack from the panic attack he had. It was horrendous.
We lasted 20 minutes.
There was a second floor!!!! Not just a second floor in the climbing frame, a whole bloody second floor where kids could exit the play frame! And parents were m sat with hot drinks and food. I know to most kids and parents this would be fine, but oh god it terrified us! DS broke free from DH and was halfway down the stairs in mere seconds. He nearly tripped and fell, but luckily we had the reins on so DH caught him before he tumbled. And just the thought of there being an entire area where DS could be doing whatever he liked without us knowing was so bizarre, I've never been to a soft play like that before!

Then the exits from the soft play itself. Omg there were tonnes! We couldn't keep track of him at all! One went straight into the cafe area, where parents were leaving with hot drinks. It's not as if DS would exit the frame then go back in or even come and find us he'd just run, either out towards the door or to a strangers table.
The 1-5 area was full of older kids, the gate was never shut and it was absolute bedlam. There was even a kid ON TOP of the frame at one stage. The sensory room was in the middle of the baby area, so was louder than literally anywhere else so that didn't calm him down. Then to top it all off, our pram didn't fit in the baby change OR the disabled toilets (it's only a bugaboo donkey, not a bus)

It'd be so nice sometimes to not have to carry out personal risk assessments on a new place, it'd be so nice to not panic about losing him every waking hour. We take a picture every day before we leave the house, so we know what he's wearing in case he bolts. Even with the reins, he still occasionally manages to break free. I was so jealous of all the parents sitting there watching their kids, knowing they'd just come back to their table.
I wouldn't change DS for the world, but my god, today was hard work.

Yep I thought so. It's hell on earth especially in half term.

I came across this app for help with communication. I am not sure whether this would be something that would be useful.

www.assistiveware.com/user-videos

Oh heck, that sounds traumatic.

I remember ds (asd) being a bolter - he once got sent to a mirror in clarks (aged about 3) to admire his new shoes, did so and then without warning legged it out of the shop towards the road with me skidding behind him in flip flops. I vividly remember doing mental health and safety assessments everywhere we went and being constantly on edge. It's so much easier now, he did thankfully grow out of it.

The other (nt) one disgraced himself in soft play by taking a wee off the big slide. I heard children screaming that someone was weeing then he reappeared sans trousers and all was clear. We made a hasty exit.

I can't bear soft play and my kids are NT. Maybe I'm not but I feel like I'm struggling to breath and want to kill everyone in there. So glad mine have finally got too old grown out of them.

Whirlygirly your son taking a pee is hilarious. DS would do that hahaha
The bolting is so bizarre isn't it? One minute they're so calm and peaceful, the next they're batting old ladies out the way to get to the escalator in Marks and Sparks. Honestly, DH gets a cardio workout whenever we go out without a pram!

My DS is on the ASD spectrum and was similar at that age, he had thing for going behind counters ...I can tell you at nearly 8 he is vastly improved..verbal can sit and chat in the knowledge hes ok and can trust him to ..sort of keep an eye on DS 2 ..sort of it does get better OP xx

Oh god what a day. I feel for you, I cannot cope with soft play at the best of times.

Thank you everyone, you've helped and cheered both me and DH up!
To be honest, we're on a bit of a high. Yes, the soft play was an epic fail, but we managed a meal out and DS, DH and DNephew got to go on some fair rides as it was so quiet (all the little turds were obviously over the road in the soft play of hell!), so it wasn't a completely awful day!

I haven't been to soft play in ages, second PPs that it is hell on earth. We're in the middle of DS being assessed (showing ADHD traits) when he was younger I found a quiet, no dog beach when the tide is right out a better place for him to play (much easier to keep an eye on him plus the sand meant I didn't have to hover over him in case he fell as he was quite clumsy) - but have just read your DS is obsessed with water so maybe not!

Mum to 9 year old girl with ASD here. I hear you. Sometimes we forget she has autism because on a good day she can self regulate well and she is usually calm at home or in the big outdoors.

We've been caught out when our tall, 'normal' looking, articulate 9 year old goes into to full bolting meltdown. The learning curve with an SN child is very steep. There is much less room for error.

You learned the hard way that soft play in school holidays is a bad option for anyone in their right mind!! It probably would have been just as hideous with an NT child.

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

@hilbil21
Try this test, MCHAT-R if you get a score that suggests your child is likely to be out of the average band, take the results and have a word with your health visitor and GP.
www.m-chat.org/mchat.php
Good Luck

You will find that loads of people will tell you you are fussing about nothing, but a Mum's instincts are rarely wrong. Ignore all the 'but my child did that too' comments and be prepared for a lot of hard work to get the professionals to listen.

YANBU by the way. Our second child is NT and although she can be a stroppy, demanding diva it's a piece of piss in comparison to the worry of having a child with SN.

Thanks blankmind I have done that test before and it said there was a moderate chance. I have managed to get my GP to refer DS to a paediatrician. Goodness knows how long the referral will take to come through mind you! Thank you for your reply x

I had an NT child for 13 years before ASD DS came along. That was a shock! I have actually found soft play OK. He has Aspergers, is very friendly, overly so at times. I found a local soft play that was in quite a contained space and where you can see all of it all of the time. We've had a few difficult situations, indeed on Sunday I found myself comforting another Mum whose ASD DD was having the most spectacular meltdown and I think she was just relieved somebody "knew". My biggest worry is if he's going to react badly to another child or try and make a run for it, like your DS OP, he's also a bolter. Luckily the place is really well managed and they literally can't get out without being let out by a member of staff. It's taken a good while to get to the stage where I can actually sit and have a cup of tea and even, on occasion, read a mag! DS is going to be 6 in a few weeks, he has improved and improved as he has got older and I hope the same will be for you. I do feel your pain though, every bloody second of it. Oh and also, I have found that soft play late-ish on a Sunday afternoon is usually pretty quiet. We also have a few local ones that do specific autism sessions so may be worth enquiring about that

OP, I'm a privilidged parent of normal spectrum kids, but OMG you've described a soft play in our town and it is hell even for us so can't imagine what hell it was for you!

I honestly wonder what would happen in there if there was a fire! there's no way you could even begin to find your own child if you hadn't stayed hot on their tails (like we do in there, because it's basically a busy public place, and for the same reasons why I wouldn't let my kids wander on another floor of a shopping centre without me, I coiuldn't sit and have a coffee not even knowing what general area they're in!

I am seriously wondering if its the same one? :-D - the small frame is upstairs facing a seating area (not the cafe but adults sit there with drinks) but no small kids stay in there because the exit is like part of the soft play - a foot high and you climb over! - from there there are THREE directions they can run in! One straight past the big 2 story frame to the downstairs cafe, 1 a sort of back stairs down to the party rooms and big kid activities, and one through the main 2 story frame. And my god - the noise!

Oh thank god I'm not the only one who feels like this. Two kids on the spectrum 7&4. Youngest is non verbal and I am often very envious of the problems people with nt kids encounter as how do I explain my youngest cannot tolerate us reading her a book because she doesn't know the story it's unpredictable and scary. Or heaven forbid I sit on the floor and try and engage or join in her game she'll either banshee scream at me or hiss and run off.

Having an NT child after a non-NT is bloody weird. We homeschool and no-one ever goes to soft play in school holidays. Ever.

Tinseltwins I think that's the one! Although we didn't get the full tour, because you couldn't even move!
Absolutely horrendous, no idea how it has so many good reviews

Msqueen oh yes! We get that! 'Just tell him you're going somewhere else/better'
Er, how? He doesn't understand!
'If he's being peculiar, ask him if he's feeling sick??'
Er, how?!?! God, how nice would it be, when you leave the room for second, hear a weird bang and be able to shout 'Are you okay DS/DD?!' And actually get an answer?! 😂

NiceMousatche in the same boat with our 2. Even at 6 months we're fairly certain DS2 is NT, he does all these bizarre things like, looking at us, smiling, playing with toys, listening to songs!!! It's so strange

Oh yes - if we were brave enough to try going to a soft play we'd have all the same issues. We generally just stay at home as we don't have the energy to manage going out anywhere anytime. Parents of NT children say 'oh, but my children get so badly behaved if we stay in.' Ha ha! Same here - but it's even harder to go out so we stay in and lose the will to live in the holidays.

DD, younger, is NT. I am amazed everyday at how parenting her is a piece of p*ss in comparison. But I can't say this out loud to many friends or they get the hump and tell me 'all children are difficult'!!!

I love DS just as fiercely as DD but got blimey it's harder to find enough of the pure joy moments to make it 'all worth it' as parents of NT families blithely say about their parenting experiences. (And they usually have family, paid childcare and friends to help out and give them some time off occasionally!)

Blooming well done for going out for a meal too. You and DH are epic heroes!

roalddahl truer words have never been spoken!
Luckily (or unluckily, haven't decided yet) we don't have many friends with kids, so don't get that comparison, we're still quite 'young' so all our friends think the idea of having any type of responsibility is beyond their realms of capability and we just get told how fantastic we are 😂

It's difficult, already family are more happy to have DS2 for the day/overnight, but we've finally got it out of them that they can't handle DS1, that he's just too difficult and strong. Honestly, he could push a grown man over, he's like the incredible hulk!

I think I might know the soft play you mean or one very similar. I lost my nt child in there for about 30 mins as it's so vast. Had to scramble around after my dc who has asd as if I'd have lost him he'd have been gone.
I actually thought it was a real risk that adults were allowed in the frame tbh (even though ds wouldn't have been able to go in without me). I didn't like letting my older child go off alone - lots of hidden areas and no chance of hearing a child call for you.
We give it a wide birth now in favor of smaller playcentres where you can see the bulk of the playframe from ground level.

Oh I know it well Can I suggest you look at a Crelling harness? Better than reins and so much more secure.

Eggys I've never been (couldn't really take DS1 anywhere like that), just reporting what other families have said about it. As I said in my post, could be worth looking into; obviously, it won't be suitable for every family, as you have found. OP, you sound a bit more cheerful now! It's hard balancing everyone's needs, isn't it? But we all do our best! Tomorrow's another day and all that.

It's somewhat humbling to see threads like this.

DH and I have had some tough times with the kids over the years, but they've been difficult phases that have eventually resolved themselves.

A friend has a child with SN's and says what is really hard for her is the relentless effort, self discipline and hyper-supervision that parenting requires. Especially so, when ironically even close family are unwilling (in this case unwilling rather than unable is an important distinction) to do so to give her and her DH a break, because it's too "full on" even for a few hours when this is their 24/7 norm.

I'm glad the day worked out in the end for you OP