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Original poster

To cancel these plans ?

78 replies

Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 15:00

Backstory : I was with a guy for 3 years. However in the last year he became obsessed with his religion and wouldn't so much as hold my hand in private as it was 'setting a bad example to the world'. Anyway we grew apart and broke up. He said being in a relationship wasn't appropriate but he may decide propose in a few years anyway so I shouldn't date anyone else in the meantime . I don't need that s**t in my life so knew I had to move on. Initially devestated to have lost my best friend but I am now in a very happy and loving relationship with 'the one', I am 500% convinced it was the right thing.

Ex and I used to be members of the same friendship group from the church ( I went along because I knew it meant a lot to him and wanted to support him) I asked to meet one of the girls for a drink tomorrow evening, she said 'that sounds good, I'll invite some others shall I? We're all at church beforehand so we can come after.' She then asked if there was anyone I didn't want her to invite (knowing ex and I aren't exactly friends). She hasn't invited ex because she knows I would feel weird about it. However the problem is, since losing me, ex-bf has realised that I'm not planning on coming back, and doesn't truly believe I'm happy without him. I've seen him once properly since we broke up, upon asking how I am, I said 'really good thanks!' His response? 'I don't believe you, I know you're good at hiding things'. Although I am genuinely thrilled with my life without him. Our friendship group keeps telling me how much he cares about me and misses me. Although he hasn't been invited tomorrow, I know he'll end up tagging along (under the suggestion of my friends) in the hope I'll see sense and run back to him. They're basically just concerned that I have decided Christianity isn't for me, so how can I possibly be happy with my new boyfriend? I'm worried if I don't want to see him, they'll assume I'm not over him. But at the same time, I'm moving on with my life, and don't want to have to sit around a table with the guy who destroyed my confidence because he wouldn't even touch me for the last year of our relationship. Wwyd? Sorry for the long post!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 16:04

They think that it's ok because that's how aforementioned friend and her fiancé did it. They dated for a year, then broke up because they knew each other so well the only options were to get married or break up Hmm so that gave my ex the idea to do the same, and now they're engaged and getting married this July so I guess it's only added fuel to the fire that it could work out for us! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 16:05

Yes they are evangelical !

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 22/02/2017 16:06

BTW - I agree with Scarlett.

I'm also a Christian, but Jesus never put pressure on anyone - he spoke the truth and let people make their own decisions.

I hope you do continue to go to church - but because you want to, and because it feeds you spiritually - not because you feel you have no option.

redlittlesquirrel · 22/02/2017 16:10

I'm a Christian. Cancel your plans and stay away from these people.

It's not a real friendship if it's only worthwhile to her if you go to her church. They sound highly manipulative.

That was absolutely not how Jesus behaved.

If you want to continue with Christianity go find another church. This is not how most Christians behave.

In the meantime, spend time with friends who don't put conditions on your friendship and who value your actual happiness and well being.

This. I'm a Christian too and would be horrified if any of my Christian friends treated someone like that.

I know people that have left the church but stayed in contact with church people and there is absolutely no pressure on them to go back to the church, ever. If they wanted to, they would be welcomed back with open arms but even if that never happens, they maintained their friendships because there was a genuine friendship there and it was never about trying to lure them back to church. It does sound all very cultish to me. Avoid.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/02/2017 16:13

If you want to stay friends with her, I would go with either rearranging - blame work/feeling ill/family issue, rearrange for a time that's not straight after church, or perhaps invite her to your house?

Alternatively, can you tell her that you are worried about exBoyfriend being upset by how happy you are with your new boyfriend as you understand he's not moved on from your break up and would really like to avoid any akwardness, would she be ok about making sure it's just a few of you so he doesn't come along as you don't want to hurt him any more, but you think that actually he'll be hurt if you are honest about how happy you are with your new man, but then it'll give him "false hope" if you pretend you aren't.

That the kindess thing all round is to just stay away from him until he's had chance to move on and accept you weren't actually all that happy with him towards the end.

Frame it as him not 'letting go' and you not wanting to rub his face in your happiness, but also not wanting to have to pretend your life isn't going as well as it is.

Also say you'd love to introduce her to your new bloke, but obviously can't do that with exBF around...

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/02/2017 16:15

oh yes, and find a new church.

ChasedByBees · 22/02/2017 16:16

They do sound like a cult - certainly my church or it's members would never behave this way.

The girl is not acting like a friend if she's meeting you to coerce you into something and your ex sounds absolutely nuts. Avoid all of them.

HappyFlappy · 22/02/2017 16:17

Also say you'd love to introduce her to your new bloke, but obviously can't do that with exBF around...

Good strategy Kitten. A true friend will

a) want to meet the person you love
and
b) not they to force you into something you don't want

HappyFlappy · 22/02/2017 16:19

*try, not they

obviously

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/02/2017 16:20

Flying monkeys, from ex and church cult. Ditch, have no regrets and enjoy your life.

Original poster
Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 16:22

She's met my new partner unfortunately, as has my ex (that was bloody weird) it was on the day he told me that he doesn't believe I'm happy. We actually had a great evening, drunk wine and caught up, but my ex made me feel like shit when he told me I'm lying about being happy. My friend got on with my ex, even found him on Facebook to add him, we met for food last month and she asked me how my 'love affair is going' I was a bit Hmm and asked what she meant, to which she stated 'I just don't know what to call it' Sad I know I'm being stupid even questioning the friendship when it's so obvious they're all psycho's a bit strange but I feel like going NC is too extreme Confused

OP posts:
pluck · 22/02/2017 16:28

Going NC is absolutely not too extreme. Besides, even with the girl you were going to meet for a drink, there really is no future for the friendship if she always comes with strings attached!

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2017 16:34

What everyone else said Sad. This girl does not see the relationship with you as a friendship; it's a honeytrap to lure you back into their cult. I'd even tell her that, and maybe throw in a disappointed - 'it's very un-Christian of you, not at all what Jesus would do'. Not that I expect she would reflect on her behaviour, but hey maybe she will.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2017 16:39

I'm a Christian too and agree with ScarlettFreestone.

Italiangreyhound · 22/02/2017 16:40

Baby what denomination is it? Or would you rather not say... Thanks

InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/02/2017 16:44

Ah, they think you are "on a break" and just having a bit of fun with the new man, before settling down with exBF. If he believes this, then it is easier for everyone else to accept that too, particulary if another couple have split up then got back together later on.

I would spell it out to her. You are serious about 'new man', it's not just a bit of fun but a real serious relationship. That even if it doesn't work out with him, you now realise how bad your relationship with exBF was and that you would never get back with him. If he's harbouring the hope you will, the kindest thing she can do as his friend is encourage him to 'let go'.

That you don't want to see exBF again because his behaviour last time was innappropriate, he is coming across as unhinged, refusing to accept you aren't interested in him any more. If you can't arrange to see just her, then you'll have to leave it until he's 'moved on'.

And please find a new church. One with normal people in it. This lot seem like fruit loops.

Julia001 · 22/02/2017 16:44

Bloody hell, sounds like another Coercive Control thing, stay away from your ex and these people.

Original poster
Babybubblescomingsoon · 22/02/2017 16:46

They're evangelical, however I don't get the sense they're personally offended as such. I remember talking to my 'friend' about how my oldest and best school friend was really helping me through the breakup too, and all she said was 'oh, I think I'd struggle to be friends with a none Christian, I think it would ruin my spiritual growth' should have taken this into consideration before however only just remembered it as it was said briefly over a coffee 5 months ago Hmm

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 22/02/2017 16:48

Ok, seen your latest update. Cancel. Oh look, you've got the runs, can't imagine you'll be up for meeting tomorrow night. Some other time maybe. 12th of never...

Move on.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 22/02/2017 17:00

Of course, they are not offended. They are on a mission to save the soul of their wayward sheep. These plans are looking more and more like they had planned an intervention (what with the insisting you are unhappy and refusing to believe you are in a proper relationship).

They would have patted themselves on the back for bringing you to your senses. Your ex would have been the selfless hero taking you back after you had strayed. You, however, would always be the mindless black sheep. A tool through which to prove their worthiness and nothing more.

If they fail, it will be a source of much consternation and hand-wringing for them and they will all need to band together and pray. It doesn't offend them because it is all about them all of the time.

There are many other forms of Christianity and this one doesn't sound too healthy, I think you should keep them at arms length.

Vandree · 22/02/2017 17:09

OP I thought you were my SIL until I read you broke up with him. Run, seriously run. The only way you will ever break ties with this christian cult is by cutting ties with all of them. In a moment of weakness they will have you back. Its how they operate to get new members of the congregation. I say that as a Christian whose child is making their holy communion soon. Its not healthy to be so involved in the church as they are. I would cancel your plans and be thankful you had a lucky escape.

EpoxyResin · 22/02/2017 17:10

Cancel. These friendships. Foreeevvvvveeeerrr.

Enjoy!

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2017 17:12

tried to suggest a one on one meeting, however I think the plan is to get me to 'Miss' church life etc and she thinks she can get me back if I'm approached by a group.

Then she's no friend of yours. She's just out for personal gain.

I think you need to avoid the whole lot of them and make yourself another friendship group.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 22/02/2017 17:13

You can't be friends with someone who believes that their mission in life is to convert you. It's just not possible - and I speak from very bitter experience. Their entire agenda every time they see or speak to you, will be to try and pull you into the Church. If they ever accept the fact that you won't join their Church, then you'll be dropped like a hot potato.

There is no middle ground and there is no friendship. You can't see her or speak to her unless you are prepared for the fact that your Ex is going to be constantly pushed in front of you. In your shoes - and again I speak from experience - you need to cut ties, de-friend (and get your partner to de-friend her as well) and move on with your life. If you are interested in pursuing spiritual interests, then there are other Churches/Congregations, which you may find suit you better.

Vandree · 22/02/2017 17:17

I knew they were evangelical before you even said it. Its a special brand of crazy from what I have seen especially the ones who takes their notes from American evangelical followers.

She can't be your friend. You know that. Unless you are back in the fold she has to either convert you back or lose the friendship. At the moment she thinks you cant possibly be happy with out marriage to your ex and being back in the fold of the "church". She genuinely can't see how you could be anything but miserable and a sinner but thats ok, her friendship will save you. Your friendship has too many conditions on it. I cant see it surviving.

My ex best friend was also evangelical. She used to tell us when we were out drinking that we were all going to hell and couldn't be saved. We were sinners and she was saved already. I don't know how to friendship lasted so long. We were young and thought she was being funny. Nope she really saw us as devil spawn.