To have reminded woman in shop that I will discipline my own child!

[tumbletastic]

So back story, with dh and dc (7) who is disabled and has epilepsy (not medically controlled) profound learning difficulties with autistic traits.

Stood in shopping aisle while dh picks crisps and dc putting different items in trolley. When we go to move on we start putting back items and telling her to choice a couple. She makes 1 shrill scream and before either myself or dh can say anything this woman approaches and says excuse me in a stern voice and face like thunder.

She explains that her mother who was with her has hearing aids in and can't take noise, we explain that dc is disabled and why we cant stop her making sudden and unpredictable noises. Before we can even say any type of apology she starts telling us that we should be discipline our child (because we hadn't told her off in the 5 seconds between her scream and this woman saying anything.)

I got annoyed at this stage and told her she shouldn't go around telling other people how to discipline their children thanked her and walked away.

I hate disability trumps for one thing but what do people expect? Do they want me to leave my child in the car or chained up at home!

I think she was being precious and OTT but agree with PP that it could just have been the straw that broke the camel's back after a really tough day. I remember really snapping at some poor woman on my commute home after I'd been made redundant - she slightly inconvenienced me but I reacted completely disproportionately, because it was about how cross I was with myself and my situation rather than her.

And yes I did apologise the next time I saw her at the station!

Kids shout and scream, babies cry, whether they have additional needs or not, I think it was actually quite confrontational of the woman to approach you.

Barinatxe she did know the child was disabled when she told the op to discipline her. That is the unreasonable bit.

"Turning down the hearing aid doesn't necessarily help.
Ds has issues with hearing. One thing is that constant ear infections have damaged the muscle that acts as a damper on the ear drum. A high pitched noise can put him in physical pain. That's true when his hearing is down to about 20% as much as when it's up in normal levels (Glue ear so it fluctuates) . It's worse when his hearing is right down because it's a sudden noise in silence."

Thank you for this informative post Witchend - the lady was U, but I can see why she would have overreacted if her mother was so affected by the shriek.

to the OP as well - just a generally fraught situation by the sounds of it x

Why do you think people wear hearing aids? For a laugh? As a fashion statement?

People wear hearing aids because they have some hearing loss and the aid improves their hearing. Not everyone with a hearing aid would be classed as disabled according to the equality act as stated by the poster. It would depend on how much hearing loss there is and how it effects them. My father has had one for nearly 20 years (since he was 60) and it certainly doesn't have a "substantial adverse effect on his daily activities" so no, he isn't disabled according to the equality act.

As stated here by action on hearing loss "If you wear hearing aids you may fit the definition, depending on the situation"

www.actiononhearingloss.org.uk/supporting-you/rights-and-benefits/disability-discrimination-and-the-law/what-is-the-equality-act.aspx

If noise bothers the woman that much she should turn down her hearing aid in public

To this, I echo what Witchend said. The lack of understanding here towards hearing impaired people is pretty amazing.

I think that the woman was unreasonable to complain after a single shriek. If your DD had been constantly shrieking over a period of minutes without you doing anything to intervene then I would agree with her.

Slap her with a wet fish and challenge the ignorant bitch to a dual

What a depressing thread, I'm deaf and wear hearing aids and have a DS with autism so can really see both sides.

There's some really flippant comments about hearing aid wearers, really loud noises cause me pysical pain, you can't always 'just turn them down'.

Likewise having a DC with ASD does sadly make you a target for random parenting advice and criticism from strangers, as if like wasn't difficult enough!

YANBU. I remember once when DD threw a hissy fit because I wouldn't buy her something out of Holland & Barrett (we were stood outside the store in the local shopping mall). A woman came out of Tesco, walked over to me and said "I think you should control your child a bit better", to which I immediately and calmly replied (with a raised eyebrow) ".....and I think your should mind your own business and be on your way".

Needless to say she stormed off huffing and tutting. A man, who was stood near by, and knew the woman, came over and told me that I'd handled it well considering she's a nosey woman, and insists on giving off/unwanted advice to others (she was his neighbour for many years). He also said she tends to puff and huff because she finds it hard to accept someone letting her know that she needs stop sticking her nose into other people's business.

your child screamed randomly in a shop. Presumably since you mentioned discipline in your OP ie that you didn't have a chance to do it first, your DC isn't so very 'profoundly' disabled that they don't know it's wrong. In this instance YABU I personally think you should have apologized and told your DC to apologize.

My next door neighbour's son has autism and is non-verbal. He can't handle shopping at all and so the family either use supermarket delivery services or take it in turns to do the shop without him. If your DC can't handle shopping stop taking them.

No Astoria, people with severe learning difficulties can go wherever they want. A family may choose not to go but that is their decision not yours.

Astoria does make a good point that I missed though. That the op was going to tell her child off - which would imply the child did have some control over the noise she was making.

I wear hearing aids, and like the mother, I find loud high pitched noises quite painful.

However, I would never do what this woman's daughter did. I might move away, I'd probably grimace. But that's my problem. Children make this kind of noise, I know that. It's not done to make me uncomfortable.

If your DC can't handle shopping stop taking them

My DS, who has ASD, fucking hates shopping but it's a life skill that has to be learned.
DS is now living at way from home at uni, he recently let slip that he's found a 24hour supermarket that he goes to, God knows at what time!

It's up to the person with ASD and their family wether they brave the shops or not.

I think that this is just one of those situations when the needs of two people, both of whom have the same rights to be in the same space, conflict.

People generally focus on their own needs. Lady with hearing aids got hurt because of child shrieking and her daughter was thinking about the needs of her mother without thinking about why the child made the noise. Child shrieked because of disability, and parent was thinking about the needs of their child at that time and didn't think what impact the noise may have on someone else. A clash of expectations at the same time.

Sauvignon - OP's post contradicts itself. On the one hand she calls her DC profoundly disabled, on the other she tells us she was going to discipline before the woman intervened. So her DC clearly has some measure of control. Surely if your child was finding shopping difficult and was profoundly disabled there this wouldn't be a teachable lifeskill & so there's no value in dragging them along. Appreciate the families right to make this decision - but why put your child thru all of that uncessarily!

That's right, people who have disabled children should never go out incase they have a meltdown - which isn't predictable- and offend the normal people who want to get on with their lives without the inconvenience of being exposed to a world which runs parallel and yet separate to their own...

I've got a severely disabled son with asd aged 5. I've had people made comments to me when he's screamed in Tesco before. He doesn't always scream, I can't predict when he will. It could be something as random as wanting a particular box of washing powder because a sign on it has caught his eye (loves signs). And I can't always avoid certain products. But most of the time he enjoys being pushed round Tesco in his special needs buggy.

And you know, sometimes I need to get things urgently like every other human being and I don't have any choice but to take him with me!

Not everyone has other options, Astoria and besides everyone has just as much right to access the shops if they choose to do so.

Ooh I hope someone approaches me when I'm out with my severely disabled ds who makes very loud noises as it's his only means of communication. Cos I'd then start singing his favorite Xmas song so he could scream some more! GF? Yes. But it's so difficult taking a disabled, non verbal person out so understanding and compassion would be appreciated. OP, she was BVU in approaching you. Hold your head high, you have done nothing wrong.

My son is profoundly disabled. I may tell him him 'no' when he is doing something undesirable on the basis that perhaps one day he might understand that/might develop control. It doesn't mean he currently has that control.
Perhaps it is best you don't make comments about something you know nothing about.
His school take him to shops so obviously they with far more knowledge than you, think it is a lifeskill that may be beneficial to him.

I wish people would not be so rude around kids that seem to be 'naughty.'

Often they are tired, bored, hungry etc, and I feel for the parents when they look flustered.

One little lad was playing merry hell for his mother several months ago, and she looked so fed up and upset, so I started talking to him, and saying 'fed up my love?' He nodded. Then I said 'hungry, bored, hot? me too!' Then he started showing me his toy car, and talking 'normally.' His mother looked relieved and thanked me!

If I were you OP, I would just ignore the next person who has a go at you. Don't worry about it; you're doing the best you can!

I saw a young lad wearing a jumper saying something similar in Tesco this week and thought it was sad that people are so intolerant to others that his Mum felt she had to explain his behaviour.