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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded woman in shop that I will discipline my own child!

73 replies

tumbletastic · 22/02/2017 13:57

So back story, with dh and dc (7) who is disabled and has epilepsy (not medically controlled) profound learning difficulties with autistic traits.

Stood in shopping aisle while dh picks crisps and dc putting different items in trolley. When we go to move on we start putting back items and telling her to choice a couple. She makes 1 shrill scream and before either myself or dh can say anything this woman approaches and says excuse me in a stern voice and face like thunder.

She explains that her mother who was with her has hearing aids in and can't take noise, we explain that dc is disabled and why we cant stop her making sudden and unpredictable noises. Before we can even say any type of apology she starts telling us that we should be discipline our child (because we hadn't told her off in the 5 seconds between her scream and this woman saying anything.)

I got annoyed at this stage and told her she shouldn't go around telling other people how to discipline their children thanked her and walked away.

I hate disability trumps for one thing but what do people expect? Do they want me to leave my child in the car or chained up at home!

OP posts:
Mountainsofmothermadness · 22/02/2017 14:54

If noise bothers the woman that much she should turn down her hearing aid in public

TheMysteriousJackelope · 22/02/2017 14:55

Plenty of children without additional needs screech when out in public, so do quite a few adults (usually in restaurants that I happen to be eating in). If that lady is going to rush around telling them off every time it happens she isn't going to have time to get anything else done.

I sympathize with her mother but she could turn the volume down on her hearing aids when she is around young children.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 22/02/2017 14:59

It might help to think that just as you are very protective of your disabled DD - rightly so - this woman is probably very protective of her disabled, frail mum.

Yes.
For all we know, it may have taken days, even weeks for the woman to coax her mother out of the house in the first place. We don't know what the buildup to that moment was.

It was still rude of her, but try and let it go. she may have had her reasons.
More tolerance is needed from both sides.

Looneytune253 · 22/02/2017 15:05

Jesus sorry but that's ridiculous. my NT 6 year old is prone to making loud noises either happy or sad screams at times and she is generally a good girl. This woman was def being unreasonable considering your daughter cannot help it. Hell I'd be reluctant to accept that about my daughter tbh she would have been told to mind her own business. Her mum is an adult, surely she'll get over it instantaneously.

Spikeyball · 22/02/2017 15:16

She was too quick at complaining and after you explained your child had a disability she should have left it so yanbu.
Some people think all learning disabilities can be 'cured' by discipline but you are not going to change that ignorant mindset so I would try to forget about it.

WicksEnd · 22/02/2017 15:16

How do you know the excuse me was polite? Could have been an:
'Excuse me!' Angry < furious
Or
'Excuse me?' Smile polite

WicksEnd · 22/02/2017 15:17

OP says she said it in a stern voice with a face like thunder so I doubt she was being polite or civil.

AndShesGone · 22/02/2017 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GabsAlot · 22/02/2017 15:34

what does she do when people go past her shouting or sirens?

i dont like screaming but i dont tell people how to discpline their child esp over a scream

KurriKurri · 22/02/2017 15:36

Woman was a cunt

Develop new mantra: ignore cunts when you can't kick them in the cunt

Jesus - that's just sick.

Spikeyball · 22/02/2017 15:45

Tbf the woman with the hearing aid didn't say anything and it may well have been very uncomfortable for her although her daughter was unreasonable for pursuing it the way she did.(my child despite being a shrieker gets upset when others do it).

Peanutandphoenix · 22/02/2017 15:51

Yanbu and that woman was being a bitch. I wear a hearing aid and loud noises make my hearing aid buzz and ring so I just take it out so why couldn't she take hers out.

Witchend · 22/02/2017 15:58

Turning down the hearing aid doesn't necessarily help.
Ds has issues with hearing. One thing is that constant ear infections have damaged the muscle that acts as a damper on the ear drum. A high pitched noise can put him in physical pain. That's true when his hearing is down to about 20% as much as when it's up in normal levels (Glue ear so it fluctuates) . It's worse when his hearing is right down because it's a sudden noise in silence.

Funnyonion17 · 22/02/2017 15:59

She was being precious IMO. Yanbu. I'd have not reacted as cool as you. Why didn't she just move a way. She had no right telling you to discipline or shut up a disabled child.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 22/02/2017 16:01

My gran has a hearing aid and simply takes it out if the environment around her is too noisy

I wear a hearing aid and do exactly what rockys gran does in this scenario. Yes it's great to be able to hear with them when you have them after twenty years but they're incredibly sensitive. I was recently at a medical appointment when upon leaving, the consultant also passed me, got in his Ferrari and drove off. I'd forgotten to turn my hearing aid off and the noise went straight through me. Sounded like a bloody bomber plane taking off! Grin

I'm guessing the woman came round the corner in an 'excuse me' cross teacher type way to the OP. If this is the case OP. YDNBU.

Roomster101 · 22/02/2017 16:33

She sounds like a silly cow. I suspect the hearing aid issue was just an excuse to have a go at you as if her mother was anything like my Dad she would just switch it off if she was finding it too noisy!

Roomster101 · 22/02/2017 16:36

OP I think it probably doesn't help you to feel rage against this woman. It might help to think that just as you are very protective of your disabled DD - rightly so - this woman is probably very protective of her disabled, frail mum.

Talk about extrapolation. Where does it state that the mother is "disabled and frial"?

bumsexatthebingo · 22/02/2017 16:42

Well whether she was polite to start off wit would depend on whether she said 'excuse me' or 'excuuuuuse me'. She certainly wasn't polite when she started suggesting the op should discipline the disability out of her child.
My gran had hearing aids and certain noises were annoying but she would take them out or turn them off if necessary.
YANBU op.

FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2017 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roomster101 · 22/02/2017 18:04

But if you require to wear hearing aids then you are most probably disabled in terms of the Equalities Act.

Not necessarily. It would depend on whether it "has a substantial and long term adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day to day activities'"

FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2017 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillSykesDog · 22/02/2017 18:15

If noise bothers the woman that much she should turn down her hearing aid in public

That's a completely disablist post.

Not necessarily. It would depend on whether it "has a substantial and long term adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day to day activities'"

Why do you think people wear hearing aids? For a laugh? As a fashion statement?

My Gran wears these hearing aids. DS is NT but we have to be very careful around her. It does really, really hurt when this happens, it is occasionally unavoidable even with an NT child and prior warning.

YANBU. But I would bear in mind that often in these situations it's better to get your apologies in before giving your reasons, because this woman didn't know that you were eventually going to apologise so it would have seemed to her that you just didn't give a shit her mother had been hurt rather than just explaining why you felt you were entitled to do it. I don't think it was intentional, but I think the woman probably got the impression you were being arsey about it because you just launched into justifying it rather than apologising.

FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2017 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumsexatthebingo · 22/02/2017 18:28

Both have disabilties but the lady could turn her hearing aid off. The child couldn't turn the behaviour related to her disability off. No-one is arguing that loud screeching while wearing hearing aids wouldn't be uncomfortable at best but what was the lady expecting the op to do? I think it would have been more reasonable in this situation for the older lady to turn her hearing aid off for a short time than for the child to have to leave the shop (which may well have caused a lot of distress). My gran had to turn her hearing aid off a lot when there was loud noises or in crowded places. She's no longer with us but I know for a fact she would have been horrified if a disabled child was removed from a shop on her account (and also at the idea she may be counted as being disabled herself).

barinatxe · 22/02/2017 18:38

YABU. I appreciate people can't always control their children but the woman certainly wasn't being unreasonable to confront you. Maybe she was unreasonable in the way she did it, but if the child's behaviour caused distress to a disabled old lady then I can understand her being upset.

She didn't know that your child is disabled, you don't know the impact the noise had on a disabled old woman. You are both as right/wrong as each other.

Oh, and "disability trumps"? I don't don't think it works like that, although Monty Python had a sketch on a similar theme with the hospital auctioning off beds based on the severity of illness.