To think headteacher was slightly insensitive?

[StephensDW]

I realise this situation is potentially my fault. I shouldn't have sent her in.

DD is a well behaved, polite student. She is in Yr 10. Has never had a detention, etc.

Our family dog wasn't very well. He had been here since DD was 4. He is very much loved. They were extremely close (she does agility competitions, etc. with him).

I said I'd text her to let her know how he got on at the vets (he had to stay in for testing, but I was collecting him).

She skipped the lesson which is the time I was collecting him (she has never done this before). Anyway, she was found and taken to Head of Years, but they were either teaching or in a meeting with the pastoral staff, so she was sent to the head.

He said to her that it "was a stupid reason to miss a lesson and really not important enough". This has been confirmed (got a phone call).

Anyway, our much loved boy was PTS. She wasn't aware of this yet and I explained on the phone that it's best he doesn't mention it, but I said I'd come and get her because she was clearly going to be sit waiting for the news and I told her I would let her know. PE was last lesson and so it wasn't the end of the world. This is when he said it would be a ridiculous reason to come and collect a 15 year old. He really was quite snappy. DD was sitting in the office at this point and it was all a bit of a mess tbh.

AIBU? Apart from the other bits that I admit were my fault.

If a child is visibly upset I don't think a teacher has any right to invalidate those feelings. He is crass and unsympathetic. If I was the head and heard it was her dog I'd probably have started sobbing there and then lol x

I didn't tell her any bad news? We didn't expect him to be PTS that day. I was expecting to text her a "I've just got him and he's doing okay" kind of thing.

He went to the vets the day before and we were collecting him the next day, so it wasn't a vet appointment as such. That's when they explained he had got worse over night and it was cruel, etc. I could let her say goodbye. I wasn't going to take him from the vets as he just couldn't move. I was planning on leaving him there and then going to get her but the vet said it wouldn't have been possible due to the fact that it would have to wait longer but they wouldn't keep him in due to space and there was no extra treatment for him. All around, it would have been cruel to do that.

I didn't text her bad news. I hadn't actually texted her at all as I got out there later than expected and that's when I got the phone call from the head.

I don't know how the head generally is, he hasn't known my daughter before that incident

So sorry about your lovely dog ... it's so painful to have to go through. The Head should have been more understanding - the dog was a family member and your DD was obviously upset - very harsh the way he dealt with it

People who don't have pets (and even some who do) can often underestimate the pain and grief that is experienced when one dies. It is though it s somehow shameful to care so much for an animal.

Well, love is love - whether it is for a parent, a child, a sibling, a dog or a budgie. And who you love someone or something or someone there is no quick and easy way to get over it.

The head is an arse.

Your daughter, and all of your family, will need time to get through this and it will take as long as it takes. No-one should make her feel embarrassed or ashamed of her feelings - she is entitled to feel the way she feels, and you may find that her school work suffers, or she becomes depressed for a time. Just do everything you can to support and comfort her.

And if the head causes trouble, send him the MN - well sort tha bar steward out!

It's unfortunate that the head came across as insensitive, but please bear in mind that they have a school full of other students and staff members to be thinking about at the same time.
You would've been better contacting the school directly so they could release her from her lessons rather than going directly to your DD, leading to her making decisions without permission from teaching staff.
They have a duty to ensure your DD gets a good education and to safe guard her (how can they do that if she's bunking off out of lessons?), so it is likely that these issues took presidence over sympathy and sensitivity.
Sorry for your loss, but the school are trying to do their best for your DD and the hundreds of others there all at the same time

I think this is absolutely awful of the Head and he should have shown much more empathy and understanding. I would be fuming - there really are some things that are much more important than a PE lesson.

Your poor daughter, and poor you - I am so sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I've cried buckets over the death of every cat I've had, companion animals are family and to grieve over them is entirely natural. Making that decision is the last loving thing we can do for them. I'd write to the headmaster and tell him that his attitude is unacceptable and that you expect him to show more sensitivity and understanding if confronted with that situation again in future.

Oh dear it would have been better to update her when she got home rather than distract her with texts during the school day.

Stephen sorry that head teacher is a knob! How can anyone come into contact with children on a regular basis and not realise that some children love their pets far more than most people in their lives!

My dd cried a lot when the hamster died. It is without doubt the most significant death she has experienced and my mum died last year!

The cat also died two years ago and that was pretty hard too.

When cat and hamster ded she had the day off school. But she was in primary.

If the same thing happened now I would take her off school for a day without a second thought, unless it was an exam or something major.

But you are not to blame for sending her in or for her missing the class. The head had a chance to be compassionate and understanding and chose not to do it. His loss. being nicer is nicer for all.

We had a little burial service for our cat, I found some liturgy on line (we are Christians) and dd got a little stone cross for the grave. It happened with the cat two years ago so she was 10 and about 5 years ago with hamster (so she was about 7 or 8). I think the reason the hamster was so bad was it was the first 'creature', pet or person, to die in her lifetime.

So you are totally not being unreasonable.

Insensitive git. Yes she shouldn't have bunked off and he could have said that, but there was no need for the other comments
I'm in my mid 30's and have been devestated when we lost some of ours
to you and your daughter xx

OP, I'm sorry about your dog firstly, it's hard to go through.
Our family dog was put down on dec 2nd 1986. Every year my family will still mention our dog on that day. It's a huge thing in a child's life- often their first experience of loss. I think the HT has obviously never had a pet and it's not for him to say how upset your dd should be. I would be beyond livid at this. At the time my dog died, I would have been less upset if it had been one of my grandparents. Your dog is part of your family and the loss is immediately felt in the family, in the house.
I live in Ireland and our school system is not the same. HTs are not as frantic about attendances and I can't see a situation where a HT would have a strop about this.

YADNU and he's being a bollocks.

Whilst I agree that the Head could have dealt with it more sensitively, you should not have been texting her at school (adding to her worry) about it and she should not have been bunking off lessons.

I agree too.

I didn't text her bad news. I hadn't actually texted her at all as I got out there later than expected and that's when I got the phone call from the head.

I see. I apologise. From your OP it sounded as though you had texted her.

He was insensitive but to be honest I don't think you are being sensitive either. Did the dog have to be PTS straight away? Couldn't you have done that later and let your daughter say goodbye? I would never have done that with my kids, got an 8 year old up one night at midnight so he could say goodbye to our dog when her condition suddenly deteriorated. I hope your daughter is OK. We all make bad decisions sometimes and texting about this sort of thing and not letting her have the chance to say goodbye isn't great and neither is the Head's actions. Your poor daughter.

Unhelpful comnent from Ex HT. DH: "Normally they just sit there sobbing inconsolably at their desk and you wish they would fucking bunk off".

Sorry for your loss . Yes HT was completely insensitive; it's a one off, it is only going to happen this once, so he could have been a bit more understanding.

YANBU.

I work in education (not a school) and sometimes students bunk off because something is going on in their lives. They are young. Really, it's okay to do it once when you are distressed.

The head needs to see the bigger picture and stop barracking a 15yo kid who is very upset. It is fine for him not to like dogs. It is not fine for him to decide that that means other people can't be upset when a companion of 11 years dies.

Yabu. Your dd didn't know about your poor dog- why would she need to come home early? You're being ridiculous.

But ops dd wasn't upset? She hadn't heard the bad news??

granny maybe read my previous post?

Ginmakes you clearly haven't understood the situation.

I'm sorry about the loss of your dog

The HT has different priorities which include making sure pupils are where they should be and are safe. tbh I think you handled it badly by agreeing to text your DD an update during school. Either you should have kept her home, collected her early to tell her the news or updated her when she got home. It was unfair to expect her to cope with worry about an update on her own. Depending on her school mates she could have been bullied for being upset too. I appreciate you were making decisions as the day unfolded but I don't think you can reasonably expect a HT to condone a pupil bunking off a lesson.He has to be clear that pupils can't unilaterally decide what is more important than attending a lesson.

I think I did? Ddog at vets during the day. Sadly has to be pts. Dd has skipped a lesson waiting for you to call, gets caught and told off. Head won't let dd out early to be told the bad news? Is that roughly it? If so my original post stands. If not then can you explain what I've misunderstood?

Greyponcho lovely as the idea is that schools just want to do the best for their pupils I really don't think that is true. But I do understand it is potentially a major safeguarding issue when kids bunk off these days or even when they are not where teachers expect them to be (unlike my youth when I constantly bunked off and was rarely caught).

So the head may well have been cross about that but it is clear he simply did not take into consideration the circumstances.

OP

Honestly, and I speak as someone whos family got a dog when I was 2 and we had to PTS when I was 16, and who has also been a teacher, whilst the head teacher could have handled it better and was definitely not tactful or sensitive in the way that he handled the situation, you are also BU in this situation too.

Your daughter was bunking off classes because she was waiting for an update about picking the dog up from the vet. It seems from your OP that as far as your daughter was aware there was no significant problem since you were all expecting the dog to come home, and wasn't aware of the fact the dog's condition was serious enough that being PTS might be an option. I have to agree that from a teacher's point of view "The dog is at the vets and I was waiting for my mum to let me know she picked him up and how he got on" is a very weak reason for skipping a class, especially in Year 10.

She could easily have excused herself from the lesson to nip to the loo and text/call or have asked to be excused - making up any lie she liked to get out of the class - etc but she needs to be accounted for, it's a legal responsibility of the school to account for all students at all times during the school day ... if a student doesn't come to class the teacher needs to know if it is authorised or whether they need to inform someone that a student is skipping class. What would you have done if something happened during that period to your daughter? Would you say "Oh well it's her own fault for not being where she should be", or would you blame the school as they were responsible for her while she was there?