Babysitting and SEEING GC

[mymilisbatshit]

Am I being unreasonable to think my MIL should stop demanding to babysit my DD (who is under 1 years old) anytime she asks to see her I have never stopped her I take her to her house, meet her out in public or invite her to ours to spend some time.

I have posted about my MIL before and was advised to go NC but I can't do that and I don't want to either.

MIL asked to come over yesterday and I said yes of course you can when she was here she started shouting at me that I should leave my baby with her and let her have her but I don't feel happy to do that. My MIL has a physical issue (I won't go into because of privacy) but it could seriously impact her care giving to my daughter. I have in the past let her babysit for a couple of hours but usually her OH is present who I trust and get on with. My MIL just doesn't seem to understand that physically she may not be up to meeting the demands of a baby this age for a long period of time. She's been talking to my OH behind my back and encouraging him to plan things so that she can babysit and making it very clear she will be very upset if she isn't the person chosen to look after DD. She claims to love and want what's best for her GD but yet she's willing to put my little girl in that situation. I have seen first hand how bad this problem can be and have been called down to her in an emergency to help her.

Also while she was at my house yesterday my DD was trying to get to me (she has abit of separation anxiety) and MIL held her to the sofa and wouldn't let her come to me I had to stand up and tell her to give me my daughter so I could comfort her. I put my DD to bed and then our argument got a little heated I told her I don't feel any need for her to babysit she is still having contact and spending time with her and gently reminded her that being a grandparent does not give her an automatic right to babysit I should be able to leave DD with who I want. In my opinion having your child babysat means you can relax and not have to worry when she babysits I am on edge worrying that DD and MIL are ok for how much I worry I feel like I may as well of just stayed home. ( we don't get DD babysat very often and if we do it's usually only to see a movie or have dinner) when we have had a babysitter for longer I go to another family member who isn't a grandparent so it's also not as if the other set of grandparents get to babysit more I wouldn't do that because I don't feel it's fair and to me that's deliberately rubbing MILs face in it which is just cruel.

I think you're being completely fair, just because she's thrown her toys out of the pram doesn't mean you have to change

Thanks Dartmoor, I try really hard to keep her involved in someway and keep boundaries in place (you'll see from the last post all that's she has done) but nothing is good enough.

I could understand if my dd was older but why is so desperate to have our baby all to herself? I'm starting to find it weird and creepy. Put it this way I wouldn't leave my daughters passport lying around.

Yanbu for worrying about leaving your dc with your Mil, but if you're not prepared to go nc with her (your passport comment is very worrying), yabu to keep complaining about her. Taken a shit or get off the pot.

take, not taken.

I don't see why everything should be as drastic as no contact to me that's extreme. And yes the passport comment is worrying but it's truthful I really wouldn't. I just feel people should be able to leave their children with who they want MIL hasn't been pushed out we have spoken about some of her behaviour and she has apologised for some of what she has said but she won't let the babysitting go apart from screaming YOU ARE NOT HAVING MY FUCKING BABY. I don't know what else I can do. I have listed the reasons why I don't get her to babysit and why I don't allow some of my family to so she knows it's not just her.

Navy, point taken but that's the username I'm afraid.

What does her dad think? Because he gas as much right to decide who looks after your daughter as you do. Without knowing what your MIL issue is, its hard to tell if you are being U. Are you saying you don't feel the need to have anyone babysit, or is it just you don't want your MIL doing it? If the latter I can see how she might feel a little hurt by that tbh.

YANBU. You're not limiting her contact with your DD at all. Why is she so adamant that she babysits? What difference is it to her if you're there or not? She still gets to see her GC. But in the interest of compromise, would you feel comfortable to leave MIL with DD while you go and have a bath? That way she gets to be responsible for a short time but you're on hand should you be needed.

I can't see any passport comment, I'm lost...

I was on your side, then I saw your username so my backside is now on the fence. I get the feeling you're not in her fan club.

Oh seen the passport comment, you think she would abduct her sons child?

Hi great, to be honest he agrees with me until his mother starts crying and causing a scene then he tells me to just let her have her to shut her up and basically let her have her then she will see she can't cope but I'm not willing to put my daughter in danger to prove a point. No it's not just MIL who isn't really to babysit I have only family members and who I don't let because of similar problems and I limit my own close family to save MILs feelings if my immediate family do babysit I make it very clear they are not to boast about it or put loads of photos on social media because it's hurtful and unfair.

I do let MIL do things for DD while I am here she's allowed to feed and change her and a few times she's even said she's in pain so can I take over and I always have done in a kind way then as soon as I've been finished and MIL is sat comfy I hand DD back over so she can carry on playing with her or cuddling her. I don't want her to feel like she isn't allowed to see her I just really don't want to leave DD with someone who PHYSICALLY isn't capable anymore.

Elvish, my username is justified this woman slapped me once and tried to hide my engagement ring to get me in trouble with OH. She is batshit in my opinion she's calmed down recently after our talk and she was very apologetic but the babysitting thing isn't going anywhere fast.

Oh and yes I do she's made all
Sorts of comments about our child going to
Live with her and taking her on holiday or away from me and OH because "we are not a very nice mummy and daddy" apparently we aren't very nice because we don't allow DD to play with things she is not allowed and because we don't feed her sweets and desserts for every meal. She let both her DC live on junk growing up my OH suffers with his weight as a result and has a lot of good anxieties. I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking eating crap all the time is ok. I like try and keep things healthy but we do have treats. I remember once MIL said when DD was older if she wanted a PROPER meal she would have to go to her house (that comment hurt me a lot)

Food anxieties (sorry terrible touch screen)

Yanbu, I don't like my mil babysitting my dds and avoid it at all costs! I have my reasons as do you, but also don't limit her contact with them. your mil sounds just as much a nightmare as mine, I feel for you.

When it comes to my OH and DD she comes from a good place. She doesn't like me she even told my best friend I get in her way when it comes to DD I tend to ignore comments like that.. pick your battles and all that.

I think I'd have gone NC as soon as she started telling my child I wasn't a nice mummy. I assume you've pointed out to her that looking after your child on her own isn't safe due to her health condition? What does she say about that.

She told me I'm being stupid and what did I think she was going to do to her grandchild I replied it's not what I think you'll do but rather what I think you won't be able to do.

The not a nice mummy comment was a while ago she has apologised for that.

She sounds mentally ill.
My first husband had an older son who was very peculiar around my DC he lived abroad so could only come and stay if it was for an extended period. He was on anti psychotics and I asked him to keep them in the bathroom cabinet because didn't want baby toddler to get hold of them. Next thing they were pushed out of their bubble packs and laid like a trail of sweeties on kitchen floor.
Sorry OP don't mean to make it all my experiences but prior to this I DH had wanted him to babysit so as he could get to know his brother and sister. I had exactly the same panicky feelings you do about leaving the kids with him. It's instinctive. Don't let her have them.

tbh if you were reading this post written and pipsqueak was the person asking aibu what would you say to be me in all honestly ? your user name is neither here nor there but it speaks volumes how you feel about her and her own son doesn't seem to stand up to / like her very much either.
if this is really how she behaves, it is totally understandable why previous posters have said go nc,. you come across as a reasonable person but this situation isn't going to change long term.
is there a back history with mil and her own kids / mh problems ?
you might have to consider going nc in the long term or else you are going to be in for the long haul with this one and it will only get worse in the long term and she mess your childs' mind with mummy and daddy aren't nice people line. i would be seriously worried about this woman tbh.

my mil is a lot like yours, but minus the physical problems hers are more mental I think, she once sent me a text calling me a c**t and ranting on about how rude I am for not answering the door or replying to her texts or calls ( I was out xmas shopping when she came round and my phone was playing up ) I let it go, as you say pick your battles... she eventually text to say sorry. she also goes on about taking my dds away without me and OH ( over my dead body!! ).