Babysitting and SEEING GC

[mymilisbatshit]

Am I being unreasonable to think my MIL should stop demanding to babysit my DD (who is under 1 years old) anytime she asks to see her I have never stopped her I take her to her house, meet her out in public or invite her to ours to spend some time.

I have posted about my MIL before and was advised to go NC but I can't do that and I don't want to either.

MIL asked to come over yesterday and I said yes of course you can when she was here she started shouting at me that I should leave my baby with her and let her have her but I don't feel happy to do that. My MIL has a physical issue (I won't go into because of privacy) but it could seriously impact her care giving to my daughter. I have in the past let her babysit for a couple of hours but usually her OH is present who I trust and get on with. My MIL just doesn't seem to understand that physically she may not be up to meeting the demands of a baby this age for a long period of time. She's been talking to my OH behind my back and encouraging him to plan things so that she can babysit and making it very clear she will be very upset if she isn't the person chosen to look after DD. She claims to love and want what's best for her GD but yet she's willing to put my little girl in that situation. I have seen first hand how bad this problem can be and have been called down to her in an emergency to help her.

Also while she was at my house yesterday my DD was trying to get to me (she has abit of separation anxiety) and MIL held her to the sofa and wouldn't let her come to me I had to stand up and tell her to give me my daughter so I could comfort her. I put my DD to bed and then our argument got a little heated I told her I don't feel any need for her to babysit she is still having contact and spending time with her and gently reminded her that being a grandparent does not give her an automatic right to babysit I should be able to leave DD with who I want. In my opinion having your child babysat means you can relax and not have to worry when she babysits I am on edge worrying that DD and MIL are ok for how much I worry I feel like I may as well of just stayed home. ( we don't get DD babysat very often and if we do it's usually only to see a movie or have dinner) when we have had a babysitter for longer I go to another family member who isn't a grandparent so it's also not as if the other set of grandparents get to babysit more I wouldn't do that because I don't feel it's fair and to me that's deliberately rubbing MILs face in it which is just cruel.

I get the feeling you're not in her fan club.

The 'you don't like her' bingo square is already filled out I see. Because we all love and be mad fans of the people in our life who treat us badly, stress us out and lead to us posting frustrated vents for help, don't we? Not liking someone who is not nice to you or fun to be with is normal ffs, not a bloody crime. Being liked by someone else is something you earn via how you treat them, not something you're entitled to.

OP, I see your dilemma and its good you're willing to think in shades of grey rather than straight to NC, but unfortunately there won't be any magic phrases or strategies or ways you can explain that will change your MiL's behaviour. You can't change anyone else's behaviour. And it's not that she doesn't understand what you want or why, and that you haven't yet explained well enough. It's that she doesn't agree with your reasons and wants her way. Her behaviour is intended to pressure her way past your boundaries. You know your decisions are sensible, reasonable ones, you don't need to doubt them.

Reasonability doesn't work with people not capable of being reasonable about the subject, it just annoys you both further. You're down to clear, blunt statements like a broken record 'no, that won't be happening', with no more explanations or reasons as that just suggests you're open to her debating those reasons, and if need be remove yourself and dd from her when she won't respect the line you've drawn. She won't like it, you will get kicking off, but if you make it clear enough that x behaviour = no access to dd for a few days, she may decide to change the way she's acting.

I adore my MIL and trust her with the children, we get on well etc etc.

But she has a physical condition and while sometimes she's totally fine to do basic baby/toddler care sometimes she's not. And she refuses to accept it so I always have to do the dance with her when she comes round of trying to work out could she cope with changing a nappy today or do I need to stick around while she's with the kids (she likes being alone with them, I like a rest, that bit should be win win).

Sorry OP I have no advice just wanted to say I'm with you on how frustrating it is when people aren't honest with themselves about their limits! I get it's upsetting, but still surely at some point you have to just face it.

I cant understand you allowing her near your dd. If your passport comment is really true she must be terrifying.

I would cut contact completely.

I think I remember your previous thread OP. You got a kicking on that one for refusing to pretend to like your MIL's outrageous behaviour on that thread as well IIRC.

Look the thing is what are you expecting off of this thread, are you ranting? Fine, rant away, she's a nutjob, I grew up with one of them, it'll do your head in and I'm sorry you're stuck with one as a MIL. My mother used to refer to herself as "mummy" and me as "granny" TO MY OWN KIDS and wouldn't stop it despite being reminded many times that she was getting it the wrong way round. We're NC now, I never really knew how far she would take it but now I remember a time we were all on the bus together in London and I has holding toddler DD1 and she was holding toddler DD2 and then when I got off at our stop I turn round and she's still on the bus with DD2. DD2 was howling and crying by the time she got off at the next stop. I look back on that now and I wonder if that was her sort of rehearsing in her mind what it would feel like to steal one of my kids. She had the wrong one though, she always preferred DD1, she hated DD2, looks too much like me. It gives me shivers down my spine but when you've lived with it, your creepiness sense is sort of out of whack.

Anyway look, you said this: I just feel people should be able to leave their children with who they want

You can leave your children with whoever you want, and it is none of your MIL's business (I mean obv if your favoured sitter was an axe murderer or something she'd be right to try and interfere, but apart from that). But just because you're in the right, doesn't mean your MIL is going to give you peace. She's got no interest in whether you're right or wrong, she just wants to do what she wants. You need to have boundaries with her, tell her how it's going to work and don't engage if she starts arguing with you. But I said it on the last thread and I'll say it again, your DH needs to be on board as well. It's not easy to see how batshit crazy your parents are if you've lived with that bullshit your whole life, but it is possible.