Nursery and child left alone in toilet

[maybethedayafter]

This isn't so much an AIBU but I didn't know where else to put it.

I went to pick DD up from nursery today with FIL. Her room adjoins another room and the toilets which are in the middle can be accessed from both rooms (although I didn't know this). I went in to the room but realised there was no one in there as they were out in the garden so I grabbed DDs bag to go down to meet her. As we were leaving there was a girl who came out of the toilet, in to the empty room with her trousers and knickers down looking a bit lost. I popped in to the room next door and spoke to a member of staff to let her know that there was a child in the unsupervised room and she looked in, said "oh yes, she's from our room, the toilets are joined" and just went back to her room. The little girl was still standing there with everything on show looking bewildered.

I know that every child can't be supervised when they go to the toilet, but surely when it's pointed out that there's a half dressed child going the wrong way the staff member should have at least gone to check if she was okay. It's not like anyone can walk in as you need a passcode to access the building but it's happened before that someone leaving has held the door for me to go in and I didn't see a staff member between entering the building and seeing this little girl. It does raise a slight concern about security. So, AIBU?

The natural reaction is to want to help, but imagine the uproar if someone had walked in while OP had the pants halfway pulled up. How would she be able to prove she wasn't pulling them down? People see abusers everywhere these days and it's better not to put yourself in a position to be questioned. The nursery worker should have walked back with OP to help the child.

You should have said that 'excuse me, there is a child who needs help with their clothes, as they are standing there naked, not knowing how to pull their trousers up!

I find it unbelievably depressing that people are so concerned with covering their own arses pun intended that they'd leave a child exposed like that without at least offering to help. My DD is 3 and sometimes struggles to get her trousers back up after she's been to the loo, the thought of her standing there exposed and confused would break my heart.

*Saor
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But what about people who instantly accuse someone of wrongdoing if they touch a child they don't know?

There are plenty of people on this thread up in arms about someone assisting a child pulling their underwear up, and that is exactly why people are too worried to help in situations like this.

I do see your point. Our kids nursery all the parents know each other and chat regularly, so I wouldn't think twice about helping or someone helping one of my kids. It just makes me sad that this wee soul was left with her trousers at her knees and confused.

I think the issue shouldn't be whether or not OP helped the child but the fact that the people who were being paid to look after the little girl didn't. My DD has recently turned 3, and as someone said previously, like other toddlers she sometimes needs help pulling her trousers back up and the thought of her being left to struggle alone is horrible.

I am quite shocked. I can't believe the amount of (presumably mothers?) on here that wouldn't have helped this little girl. if it was my little girl I wouldn't have been annoyed if another parent had stepped in to help her, in fact I'd have been rather annoyed if they had just left the room and left her in there with her pants round her ankles. She obviously had either got lost or couldn't get her pants back up or something.

I wouldn't hesitate in helping a child who needed it. What kind of adult would look on at a child in distress or in clear need of help and ignore it, just in case they got accused of something? What are you afraid of being accused of exactly? The worlds gone mad!

I agree with the 'world's gone mad' comments. I would have helped her.

Bloody hell I'd have helped the little girl pull up her pants - it's not like OP followed her into the toilet. If it was my DD I'd rather someone helped her.

Parents shouldn't be just given a pass code and allowed to wander around a nursery unsupervised.

In my nursery parents are let in by a member of staff and their whereabouts is always known.

Eden- this is a very good point, and is the case in our nursery too.

Honestly, the world has gone mad, but I still wouldn't have pulled up her knickers.

The world hasn't gone mad when you consider what happened at my child's school swimming lesson this year. Member of public gained access to changing room took the girls' pants and did something inspeakable to them in the shower cubicle. So while there aren't paedophiles everywhere, there are some around. I wouldn't be impressed that a stranger was in a position where they were debating over pulling up a small child's pants alone in an empty room. That is a safeguarding blunder.

The world hasn't gone mad when you consider what happened at my child's school swimming lesson this year

But that's exactly the point. The world has gone mad if people can't help a lost/confused child just because of the few and far between perverts doing things like that.

There's no way an adult should be able to wander into the nursery rooms without any member of staff knowing. Especially when they have facilities that mean said adult can find themselves alone in a room with a child - even nursery staff shouldn't be 1:1 in a room with a child.

At the nursery my 3yo goes too parents are warned that places could be removed if you allow anyone through the security door.

I am usually quite chilled out but I agree that the OP should have told the staff (like she did) and leave the girl's pants alone. It's not just about covering her back- it's the message to children that only certain trusted people should have access to their underwear and genitals. People always talk about the NSPCC pants campaign and I agree.

Luckily sexual abuse is rare- but as adults we see a lot of people come out and tell stories of abuse that were hidden in childhood. I think It sends mixed messages to small children to say that it's ok for a random mum at nursery to touch your knickers but not ok for Uncle John or the man in the park to do it.

I would be very upset at somebody leaving my child half naked just to make sure they were ok Jack.

I wouldn't pull up the pants of a child I didn't know - very inappropriate and could be quite upsetting for the child. If they are allowed to go to the toilet alone they are probably perfectly capable and just need a verbal reminder.

The nursery have dealt with this really badly, putting the child and the parent who found them in a bad position. A visitor should not be able to find themselves on their own with a half dressed child and a child in such a situation should have been helped immediately by a member of staff.

I would raise it with the nursery as a safeguarding issue.

Not physically helping the child isn't a case of 'I'm ok Jack' - the child should not have an adult she doesn't know pulling up her pants!

The op did help, in exactly the way she should have done, by asking a member of staff.

Agree with hazey jane. If that girl went home and told her parents a stranger pulled her pants up, it would cause all sorts of problems and worries.

Most kids are perfectly capable of pulling up their own pants anyway. A little 'pull your pants up sweetie' would suffice. No one needs to dive in and do it for her, let alone a stranger.

For me Eden has the crux of the matter -

*Parents shouldn't be just given a pass code and allowed to wander around a nursery unsupervised.

In my nursery parents are let in by a member of staff and their whereabouts is always known.*

This is what I would be worried about more than anything. Other parents can just walk around unsupervised?! I wonder what Ofsted would have to say about that. I wouldn't be happy with my child in such insecure settings.

Epic bold fail.

Gosh I've helped various small random girls into their swimming costumes over the years. Never occurred to me that some people might prefer their daughters to be left in years tears when they've asked for help.

But early years settings have to have safeguarding rules in place for very good reasons.