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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single mums - working and school runs

57 replies

californiaadreaming · 19/02/2017 14:41

I can't find a way to balance having a full time job with being a single mum to dd. I feel guilty that I can't be the one to do the school runs and like we're both missing out. I used to love running out of the school gates and seeing my mum standing there and it makes me so sad.

How do people manage?

OP posts:

Keletubbie · 19/02/2017 15:43

Honestly? I don't. I've worked 25 hrs a week since she started school. I do pick up and drop off. I earn too much to get TC or anything, but money is still tight. It frees me up to taxi between after school activities, etc. Worth it though!

megletthesecond · 19/02/2017 15:44

yy zara >> "People saying it's not a single parent thing, have you been a single parent?

Yes lots of couples have to juggle things, but at least as a couple you have options."

I'm lucky to only work part time. Even then breakfast and after school club causes problems. They want me to pick them up and still moan after five years. It's very hard.

EnormousTiger · 19/02/2017 15:46

It's not even a working mother thing (unlss you are sexist). It' s a working parent thing - male or female.

Plenty of use don't do school runs and it's fine. You do a lot more benefit to your children by working full time than being at the school gates at 4pm, masses more! In fact if you think you should be at school gates you have probably just been conditioned by sexist people with an agenda to keep women down.

Musicinthe00ssucks · 19/02/2017 15:58

Don't feel guilty OP. My mum never did the school run (she wasn't a single parent, both of my parents worked) and I was fine. When I went to secondary school it became even more common that kids had parents who worked full time.

I now work part time and only drop off DD twice a week. The other 3 days she is either dropped off and picked up by MIL or a friend whose daughter is in her class. Honestly she is fine with this - lots of other kids in her class also have working parents.

Alargegarden · 19/02/2017 16:07

Don't feel guilty. Most parents do NOT do the school run. You are a great role model for your DC.

BackforGood · 19/02/2017 16:12

Agree with so many other posters - this is about being a working parent, not whether you are in a relationship or not.
You will still do "school runs", it's just that you do the drop off an hour / 75mins / 90mins earlier, and into Breakfast Club or a CMers, and then you do the 'pick up' however much later it needs tob e, again from the Afterschool club or Childminder.
I don't see what there is to feel guilty about - showing your dc a good work ethic, and letting them have a great time at their wrap around provision

Not sure what the AIBU? is either ??

mumontherun14 · 19/02/2017 16:16

I work for a govt dept and have flexi time so I can do the drop offs and some of the pick ups - several other people do the same in the office. In my DD's class (she is 10) there are hardly any other mums or dads who come now to collect at 3. I think as they get older they are starting to make their own way to and from school. Sometimes I just drop her off from the car if she see's a friend to go in with. Could you ask for any flexibility in start or finish times at work to let you do maybe one drop off or pick up a week x

icy121 · 19/02/2017 16:18

Agree - you're doing her more of a service by teaching her that life is about being independent and earning your own money! Try not to let yourself feel too guilty. I never saw my mum at the school gate (or sports days - I feel nothing further was required of the parents in the 90s... now schools seem to want parental input every 15 minutes) and I'm not emotionally damaged.

TiredMumToTwo · 19/02/2017 16:20

Agree, not a single parent thing, I've always worked full time and at the moment am responsible for all school drop offs and pick ups so it's breakfast club or I start work later and then get to after school club later. Summer holidays is both parents taking one week off a different times to cover two weeks & then a mixture of holiday club and grandparents. It is fucking hard!

creampinkrose · 19/02/2017 16:22

Most primary aged children I know are collected by a parent or a grandparent. It does make me feel sad that if I ever have children that won't be an option, so I understand OPs feelings

Groovee · 19/02/2017 16:25

I had a childminder. Dh is at work at 7.30am and rarely home before 5 often 9pm in the winter. So school runs were always down to me. My childminder took them at 7.50 and dropped them at school for 8.50. Then she had them after school until about 4.15pm. She was really flexible, so I could change days if needed.

MIL could help out with notice, so when my childminder told me 6 weeks in advance she needed a day off, MIL would be able to cover.

I am very fortunate to work in a school nursery, I get school holidays and that was a huge help for me.

Mumzypopz · 19/02/2017 16:25

This is the norm when both parents work full time. And there are a lot of us. We use childminders, right throughout the year or if she can't work or has leave, pre and after school club. Not everyone can afford to work part time to be available at pick up time.

Mumzypopz · 19/02/2017 16:27

Creampinkrise....That's not the case in our school at all. I would say about 50% stay in school for after school club, others get picked up by childminders or a nursery bus, or Grandparents.

Astro55 · 19/02/2017 16:28

Plenty of holiday clubs for kids - usually cover 4/6 weeks of the summer - and excludes Christmas holidays.

creampinkrose · 19/02/2017 16:29

I'm sure, Mumzy, but is that five days a week for all of them?

egginacup · 19/02/2017 16:33

Mine go to a childminder, I drop them off at 7.30 and pick up at 6. It's hard but they seem to cope! I try to make up for it at weekends by making sure we all eat together and do some fun things.

Mumzypopz · 19/02/2017 16:35

Creampinkrise....Pretty much...Was for mine too...I've only ever done pick up about 10 - 20 times in about 8 years...Never did them any harm. When I did do it, I would only see a handful of mums from my kids classes, and they usually could only do it because they did shift work. Who can afford not to work these days?

creampinkrose · 19/02/2017 16:37

I know lots

Want2bSupermum · 19/02/2017 16:46

We live abroad and both DH and I work. My hours are horrendous (yes I am on a work call right now on a Sunday and will be working late plus tomorrow which is a federal holiday). It is easier to cope when you have a second parent muddling along next to you. DH is currently with the 3DC.

Care during the holidays is always a struggle. I hire students, teachers and the teacher aides to look after my older two kids with the baby staying in daycare. For the months of July and August I make about $1000 after childcare costs. Once the baby starts preschool we will be having an au pair as I want my kids exposed to DH's language.

You have my full sympathy because it is hard when both parents are working but it is much harder when you are a single parent. I strongly disagree with the notion that what the OP describes as being a working parent problem. DH travels for up to two weeks at a time and it is infinitely harder doing it on your own.

PartyPolitics · 19/02/2017 16:50

Well it depends on your job really. Not all jobs are 9-5. I'm a LP and negotiated a later start in my current job so I can drop off every day. I'm lucky I have a short commute. I also pick up twice a week as mine goes to after school activities at the school so doesn't need collected until later. GP's do one pick up and another mum does 2 pick ups for me (I drop hers at school in the mornings). TBH there are massive advantages to doing at least one or two pick ups/drop offs. I have 5 or 6 school mum friends I can rely on in emergencies who I otherwise would never have got to know if I hadn't ever done a school run. There is a lot of reciprocal picking up of each others kids. It's so valuable as a LP to have that support.

smilingsarahb · 19/02/2017 16:56

Well I think this is something that's easier with a partner even if everyone else disagrees. Two sets of annual leave to cover inset days, school plays, and holidays, two sets of parental leave if the child is ill. Options for parents working different shifts (my parents did opposite shifts to each other) loads of my friends have one parent dropping at breakfast club and going to work and the other parent picking up from afterschool club, so both parents can do a long day (one getting to work early and one able to stay at work late) rather than be tied to the 8 til 6 including commute time.two salaries to cover the cost of all this wrap around care. My partner works abroad for long stints and I drop the children at breakfast club, but do pick up every day. In my circumstances our family income is slightly more with me working school hours without childcare than it was when I was working full time with childcare costs. However as someone who is there after school each day it isn't a particularly cherished moment. The children can be tired, snappy and bored. They can end up just watching tv. I am still tired from working 7 hours before getting them. On a good day, The children have a snack and play with friends which they could do at afterschool club. The nicer bit is tea time, boardgames, tv, story and bed which would happen if I got back from work later. The other plus is being able to do beavers which starts at 5.

TheDonald · 19/02/2017 16:57

Also agree it's not unique to being a single mum. I know because I am a working single mum with no local family but did manage to do more than half of school pick ups.

I worked 30 hrs a week while DD was at primary but did 2 late finishes in the office (using after school club) and 2 days working at home, with Fridays off.

I also worked lots of Fridays to bank lieu time to cover school holidays.

I absolutely don't mean this to sound smug. I know how lucky I was. Just to show you it can be done while still earning a reasonably good wage.

Mind you, DD is now 15 and I've gone back full time office based and had 2 promotions in 2 years. Family friendly hours do nothing for career progression!

malificent7 · 19/02/2017 18:09

I never do the school run but tbh it is a massive relief to avoid thr dreaded school gate cliques and bitchin that goes on.

creampinkrose · 19/02/2017 18:12

To be fair Donald, as is often the case, it can be done especially when earning a good wage.

Generally speaking, the further down the pay ladder you go, the more rights and leeway you lose.

KellyBoo800 · 19/02/2017 18:22

Not single or a mum but grew up with my dad running his own business and my mum a SAHM.

When I was 8, my mum started an access course at college to go on to do a nursing degree. I remember at the time hating that she did this and couldn't pick me up from school every day. Never told her but at times I did get quite upset (grew up in quite a poor area so everyone's mums did the school runs every day, very few worked).

Looking back, I am so proud of my mum for getting her qualifications and now being a very senior manager in her field. She set an amazing example and I would not have gone on to university if she hadn't been the trailblazer in our family (she was the first in the whole extended family to go - I was only the second, seven years later). It did me no long-term damagenl, it did quite the opposite!

You are setting an amazing example for your children and any short term upset will be worth it for the outcome. You should be proud of yourself!

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