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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Sisters wedding

52 replies

Lostatsea43 · 19/02/2017 08:48

My sister ran away on Friday and got married, only their best friends and their children attended the wedding. I am happy for them as I know my new BIL wanted a small wedding.

They and all my and his family live 200 hundred miles away. They have chosen to get married 20 miles away from where I live and they have sent texts of where they will be visiting over the weekend.

AIBU's to be really pissed off that she has not even invited me and my family over to have a drink and celebrate their wedding. I am her only sibling.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 09:57

!Well she seems to have time to see other family members over the weekend or have I read it wrong?

viques · 19/02/2017 10:01

since the rest of your family live 200 miles away I imagine that they have decided that it is less hassle to piss one person off by not inviting you over to their honeymoon venue than it would be to piss off the rest of your family by including you in the celebrations.

I can see that if she has a family get together afterwards that you will be inconvenienced if it takes place 200 miles away, but she is your sister , it's her wedding and you need to swallow and smile.

burnoutbabe · 19/02/2017 10:06

I'd find them sending me texts of places they are visiting near me a bit confusing, do they want me to come along and meet them or not?

(I assume inviting their best friends and best friends kids, also shows that you are not a best friend, which would also hurt, and if you want to have a private wedding don't have it right by one sibling)

SomewhereNow · 19/02/2017 10:07

They and all my and his family live 200 hundred miles away. They have chosen to get married 20 miles away from where I live and they have sent texts of where they will be visiting over the weekend.

Sorry I read this as they were going to visit other family members for some reason. I don't have a problem with them seeing their kids!

EyeStye · 19/02/2017 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 19/02/2017 10:09

I think I'd be hurt too, but it is her wedding, her choice. For now, indulge her, the're wrapped up in each other - don't piss on her wedding. When the wedding hormones / bridezilla fog clears she might well think 'wtf?!' and the two of you will be able to laugh at this together in years to come.

Bluntness100 · 19/02/2017 10:11

(I assume inviting their best friends and best friends kids, also shows that you are not a best friend, which would also hurt,

calzone · 19/02/2017 10:12

I understand you feel hurt but it's her wedding, her choice.

RockNRollNerd · 19/02/2017 10:24

If you're doing a small wedding with best friends and children only, you can't really invite one sibling, because then another sibling will want to be invited (if the groom has any); and if you invite the siblings the parents will feel left out, and if you invite siblings and parents then what about the cousin that you're really close to, and then if that cousin has an invite, other cousins will want them and then you can't really invite the cousins and not their parents, so the aunts and uncles really should be invited, but the cousins have kids so they would need to come as well, and by that stage you've got 3 or 4 generations of family and some quite distant relatives so maybe you need to invite the great aunt who was always so lovely to you and so close to your grandma who sadly died a few years ago, and if she comes, then the great uncle will feel left out so he'd better come too....

Or you could just invite the one sister, make an exception for her, everyone will understand that she only got invited because she was nearby, there'll never be any jealousy, recriminations, come back and pressure to make it up to those who didn't make the cut, families don't work like that, they all understand stuff like this, never bear grudges, never feel hurt or left out, never get all passive agressive and start making demands about Christmas, Birthdays, Christenings etc to make up for it...

...I'd imagine this is probably why they drew a hard line at best friends only...it's just not as easy as 'she's my sister we'll make an exception for her'.

burnoutbabe · 19/02/2017 10:36

oh yes i get why they'd avoid inviting any relatives.

but then why have it so far from their home/most family&friends but very close to one sibling. Who you then keep texting to tell them what you are doing very near to them?

Just have it somewhere else and no one is upset.

pseudonymph · 19/02/2017 10:43

I think it's reasonable to have a small wedding, but I am confused by the texts - she's basically sending you an itinerary of where she will be for the next couple of days? Is that so you can meet up, or so you can avoid her?

pictish · 19/02/2017 10:44

I have typed and retyped my reply to this...but basically it all boils down to the nature of your relationship with her. Are you close? Are you involved in one anothers lives? Do you often text each other info about your ins and outs and goings on?

Why is she texting you to tell you about the places she is visiting?

pictish · 19/02/2017 10:47

I think some of us are confused as to the context of her texts.
Can you tell us why you think she is imparting this information with you?

SallyInSweden · 19/02/2017 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn2016 · 19/02/2017 11:02

I'd be hurt too.
If she wants a small, private wedding with just friends then fine, her prerogative, but it would be so much better to keep it all off facebook.

Excluding family is one thing but rubbing their noses in it is something else!

Trollspoopglitter · 19/02/2017 11:05

"you need to swallow and smile."

you win today's Internet, in my opinion.

Boulshired · 19/02/2017 11:10

It is ok to feel hurt even when as people have pointed out it is the couples time and for some inviting one member of family can be harder to explain than inviting non. The texting is strange.

Mamabear14 · 19/02/2017 11:11

Why shouldn't they put their wedding on Facebook though? It's hardly rubbing noses in, it's sharing their day. Surely just because they went off and done it doesn't mean it's some dirty secret, they are entitled to share it with people.
As said, it's their wedding, the texting you stuff is slightly odd though, unless she would like you to offer a meet up.

NerrSnerr · 19/02/2017 11:15

Why not text and say you're free to meet up for a pint if they want a celebratory drink, but you understand that it's their honeymoon so they may not want to.

People have different ideas of what is important to them when they get married- it's the bride and groom who are important and get to choose. I imagine it would be awkward to invite one sibling and not the rest of the family and it could get out of hand just inviting one more person until it's a big wedding.

MeadowHay · 19/02/2017 11:16

Yes YABU they can have whatever kind of wedding they like and you should be happy for them!

teresa2003 · 19/02/2017 11:20

Me and my DH 'ran away' as you put it to get married. Reason being I didn't want my toxic adult SS at the happiest day of my life to try putting a spanner in the works or mentioning his DM (DH's exw obv.) every bloody five minutes. So we couldn't invite rest of DH's family and not him (although DH accepts what a horror he's been towards me/us he is still his son and wouldn't blatantly exclude him. We couldn't invite just friends because it would have made family more put out that all friends were there and not them so we just 'did one' and grabbed a couple of stranger's as witnesses. Twas great .We had a do later date and invited everyone (including bain of my life but there were enough people there to ensure he didn't start anything) So yes YABU.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/02/2017 11:23

Tbh if you are close then I can understand why you are upset

GoodDayToYou · 19/02/2017 11:29

Please don't risk ruining your sister's special time. Be pleased for her that she's been able to have the wedding of her choosing - lots of people don't.

I can understand why you might feel upset for all sorts of reasons - you can work through those feelings with other people (ie not your sister). Or let rip all you want with a pen and paper. But, please remember that this wedding is not about you.

girlelephant · 19/02/2017 11:33

Agree with Goodday about the priority being she enjoys her day.

I think she has decided that she can't invite any family as if she does her DH's family could be offended too at not being invited.

I would call her to congratulate them & say you would love to see them even briefly in person before they head back.

I know you're hurt but don't let it ruin your relationship

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/02/2017 11:42

I think without the texts you'd definitely be 100% U to have any expectations about what she does or doesn't do on her honeymoon. But her texting you has involved you in a small way. Is she texting you asking for suggestions of where's good to eat at the places they're visiting, or what?

I'd be a bit miffed if, among the texts - and especially if she is using you as some kind of local knowledge directory - she hasn't acknowledged that they're so close and any other time she would have loved to catch up with you.

If she hasn't said something along those lines then I agree with offering to meet up for a celebratory drink, or maybe offering to buy them brunch on their last (i.e. travelling, so not slap bang in the middle of their honeymoon) day before they set off. But I'd make it 100% clear you understand if they don't want to during their honeymoon - and try to mean it.

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