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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this?

44 replies

catlover1987 · 19/02/2017 01:18

We are TTC at the moment. Have been together for 8 years, married for 3. I won't go in to how it all came out, but tonight my DH told me that he got an ex gf pregnant when they were together but she miscarried. I just can't believe he hasn't told me this before. I now can't stop thinking about him potentially being a family with someone else. I just feel like when we do eventually get pregnant, it will feel less special somehow, knowing it's not a first for him. I also feel so sad for him that he's had to deal with this for all these years and hasn't told anyone. AIBU to be upset about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
catlover1987 · 19/02/2017 01:34

I can't sleep for thinking about this. Coupled with the fact my best friend announced her pregnancy today, it's been a bit of a rollercoaster of a day!

OP posts:
LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 19/02/2017 02:00

I would be pissed off, more the fact that he's never told you. I've never been in this situation but I would be devastated I think as well and it would change the whole relationship for me.

sibys1 · 19/02/2017 02:01

It's a huge YABU for me.

booklooker · 19/02/2017 02:20

At what point shoud he have mentioned this to you?

I think you are being extremely unreasonable. It is a matter between him and his ex gf. It certainly isn't about you.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/02/2017 02:29

Yes, you are being unreasonable. It is incredibly personal information, and not something you needed to know. When exactly do you feel he was supposed to tell you? Before you got together? When you decided to move in together? When you got engaged? When you were on honeymoon? When you decided to try for a baby? It may well be an incredibly painful experience for him, and it isn't just his private business, it's his ex's private business.
If i ever had a miscarriage, i would want that info staying between me and my partner. possibly immediate family of they knew i'd been pregnant but i absolutely would not tell any future partners, nor would i want the man i got pregnant by telling his future partners, as quite simply, it isn't relevant.
It was their pain, their loss, not yours, and as they came out of it with no baby to show for the pregnancy it's probably easier to act like it never happened if you end up in a relationship with someone else.

The fact you're acting like this proves a good reason why. You're making HIS loss about you. "It's not as special if i get pregnant because he's impregnated someone before" Would you also complain a miscarriage for you wasn't as special/meaningful because he's been through that before too? Would you find subsequent children, should you have any, would be less "special" than your first born? It's a really immature and silly way to act, you had no right to know.

GrinAndTonic · 19/02/2017 02:49

Everyone has had a life before and I don't think it is necessary to share every minute detail with new partners. I certainly didn't and won't. Why do you think it would be less special? Were you both virgins when you married? Did you have your first kiss at your wedding? Probably not. Do you feel horrible because he shagged someone before you? Did it make it any less special? This was part of his past life and not yours. Be empathetic and realise that it has nothing to do with you.

harrypotternerd · 19/02/2017 02:51

YABU. He does not have a child so why do you need to know? What did you expect him to say? My DP was in a similar situation to your DH, the only reason I know is I have known DP since primary school and he needed someone to talk to about it. We are also TTC atm. I have kids from a previous relationship but that does not make it less special as it will be our first child together, nothing can change that. You have made it all about you even though this must be an incredibly painful subject for him.

bananaqueen · 19/02/2017 02:57

Catlover firstly sorry to hear youre having a rough time ttc 
However I can assure you when the time comes for you and dh to have a baby it will not be any less special for you're dh at all.
I agree with the others in that this is sensitive info and not something dh probably ever felt necessary to share, But it certainly won't take away the joy when you do get pregnant.
Try not to focus on this it's a sad thing to hear but it's irrelevant to both your current lives, it's not your dh's fault and the last thing you need is any kind of wedge put between you both.
Good luck Flowers

Bahh · 19/02/2017 03:00

Oh I kind of get where you're coming from (I'm a step parent, little sad my firsts won't be his firsts and all that) but taking into consideration the fact that it was a miscarriage, the 'won't be special' comment leaves a really sour taste in my mouth.

A woman somewhere had to go through losing her baby. That is not something you get to make about you.

He's never had a baby. It will be a first for him. You are not a special snowflake.

Happyfeet1972 · 19/02/2017 03:03

I can understand you being surprised at finding out many years down the line - I know I would be if DP hadn't told me about such a significant event in his life (although as pp says there's many reasons why he might not have shared it) but I think it's unbelievably crass to talk about how you feel any pregnancy you have will be less special ...He lost a baby, it's not about you. I imagine he would find any baby you may have pretty bloody special if this time he gets to actually have the baby. And saying the thought of him having a family with someone else.....Well he didn't did he, because instead they lost the baby.

Please don't share these thoughts with your DH, they are very hurtful and I'm not sure I'd be able to look at my DP in the same way if he made a tragic event in my life before him into a pity party for him. If you have a baby with your DH that will be special enough....Your child together, his first child that survived pregnancy. That will be special, the existence of another baby doesn't change it.

SuperBeagle · 19/02/2017 03:20

YABU.

His life before you doesn't simple cease to exist because you came into the picture. He doesn't owe it to you to explain every aspect of his life prior to meeting you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 03:35

He told you about the miscarriage (or perhaps found the courage to discuss with his wife what probably is a very painful experience). I do understand your reaction. However as pps have pointed out, it will be his first baby. And firsts are very much overrated you know. The shock will substitute.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 03:38
  • The shock will subside.
sobeyondthehills · 19/02/2017 03:42

YABU

And I agree with PP that you are making it all about you when it has nothing to do with you.

TheStoic · 19/02/2017 03:48

You can't stop thinking about him 'potentially' having a family before you, even though it didn't actually happen?

That's very unreasonable, yes. The very definition of a pointless exercise.

It is quite a significant life event, though. I think it is something I'd tell my partner if it had happened to me.

TaliDiNozzo · 19/02/2017 06:43

YABU. Others may disagree with me but that is not information you are entitled to or that he was obligated to tell you at any point. Everyone has a past, they do not need to share every details of it with new partners.

Fighterofthenightman · 19/02/2017 06:46

The narcissism of posters on this site is so ironic.

NoraDora · 19/02/2017 06:48

You honestly sound about 12.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone · 19/02/2017 06:50

You are hijacking his very painful experience and making it all about you . Grow up

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2017 07:14

Fighter.

I think the op needs to be treated with care and consideration. She's vulnerable and is being criticised for having some pretty difficult feelings and is being told to just get over herself.

Perhaps you could offer some better advice. Because frankly the irony of the narcissism of your post didn't escape me. Hmm

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/02/2017 07:18

Jesus christ, grow the fuck up!

SallyGinnamon · 19/02/2017 07:19

You said it's been a rollercoaster recently; struggling to conceive; friends are pregnant; you're feeling sensitive anyway and then find out actually your DH has conceived in the past.

I can understand you're upset to just find it out years down the line when you think you know about significant stuff in each others past. Bit of a curve ball really.

HOWEVER being parents will still be a first; as will all the sleepless nights and all the growing up stages that babies go through.

Put it out of your mind. He's going to have a family with you not her. They split up and might have done even with a DC. It's you he loves and wants a future with.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 19/02/2017 07:19

Since wnen has trying for a bsby made anyone vulnerable?! Confused

Fighterofthenightman · 19/02/2017 07:38

It doesn't.

steff13 · 19/02/2017 07:38

I don't see anything in the OP that indicates she's having trouble getting pregnant.

OP, YABU. I've had two miscarriages myself, and if I were in a position to date a man other than my husband, I can't imagine bringing it up. Maybe I would mention it at some point, but not in a "here's a terribel thing that happened to me," sort of way.

Even though I think men can be hurt by miscarriages, a pregnancy is not "real" for a lot of men until the baby actually arrives. Perhaps that's how he felt about it.

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