AIBU to be upset about this?

[catlover1987]

We are TTC at the moment. Have been together for 8 years, married for 3. I won't go in to how it all came out, but tonight my DH told me that he got an ex gf pregnant when they were together but she miscarried. I just can't believe he hasn't told me this before. I now can't stop thinking about him potentially being a family with someone else. I just feel like when we do eventually get pregnant, it will feel less special somehow, knowing it's not a first for him. I also feel so sad for him that he's had to deal with this for all these years and hasn't told anyone. AIBU to be upset about this?

YABU. Very unreasonable and childish.

Frankly it's none of your business. Lots of couples suffer miscarriages and then go on to break up. It really doesn't need to be disclosed to all future partners!

If he was hiding a fertility issue from you or had a child he hadn't told you about, you would be entitled to rage away. You are currently angry with him for having gone through a shit time with someone else. It's not very nice really, is it?

Are you about to drip-feed some dramatic circumstance?

Dh's girlfriend at uni had an abortion - I only know this because fairly early on in our relationship we were discussing a woman's right to choose. Years on, we had terrible trouble ttc (and DH was so dopey that when the fertility clinic asked him if he'd already had/conceived children he said no and it was me had to remind him otherwise), but not for one minute did I feel jealous or resent his past. I understand that ttc is stressful if it's not all happening as planned, but really, in the nicest possible way , you are being very silly.

YABU, everyone has a past. Focus on the here and now. Hugely unreasonable and quite immature of you to try to make this about you. That said, good luck with TTC. Try to forget about this.

YABU. Jesus.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time TTC, but this sort of thinking is really not of benefit to anyone. It's not helpful, it's not fun, it's not insightful. If you can't find a way to stop obsessing over it, try and get yourself some counselling. It's the sort of thing that could really damage your relationship and your feelings towards your baby when you do get pregnant.

I haven't told my DH (of 20 years) that I miscarried before I met him. It never came up and it wasn't the sort of thing I had a need to just blurt out to him, in fact I have rarely thought about it since before we got together, even when we were having a hard time conceiving. Once I split up with the man I miscarried with, I was really just a bit relieved that I hadn't had a child with him. And when my DH and I had problems conceiving I wasn't thinking about that pregnancy because I didn't want babies with that man, I wanted them with DH. If I had told him, I would hope, if his first concern was about the possibility of our children not seeming special enough to me because I'd "done it before", that he would keep it to himself. Because I know no one can help what pops into their head when they hear something for the first time, but it is kind of offensive.

Yabu, I expect the majority of people have had a life before their current partner. How long have you been ttc for?

YABU and sound like a child. He's an adult with a past life, like all adults.

If you are already this precious about pregnancy before even getting there it's going to be a very very long nine months for your family and friends.

YAB massively U for all the reasons the others say above. It's none of your business and something you should show some sensitivity towards.

I think you're massively over reacting yes, to not be able to sleep and to be thinking of him having a family with someone else and to think it would make your pregnancy less special is quite unpleasant really.

She lost the baby.😞

YABU. As others say, it's not about you. Don't make it about you.

I'm pregnant with my second child. It is no less special than my first; should it be?

YABU it's a very private pain that he and his ex-gf went through. If he wants to tell you then that's fine, but he shouldn't have to. Presumably that is a grief they got through together and it has nothing to do with you. It was their child they lost.
He probably didn't broadcast it out of respect to his former relationship.

In the last couple of days we've had the wank police on here wanting their partners to give them details of each mastubatory session without them and getting themselves in a state of their partner chose to touch themselves in private, you know like adults. Now we have a thread angsting about partners not divulging their full relationship histories.

He was entitled to keep that private in the same way that you might have decided to keep an abortion private. In fact you should be happy he felt he trusted you with that information, not flown off the handle about it and got yourself in a state. He will probably think twice now about telling you anything else sensitive now.

Yes, you are being unreasonable and frankly, silly. It happened before he met you; it is the past; it's his history and not yours so get over it and stop behaving like a child.

YA obviously BU but i hope youve woken this morning with fresh eyes on it to see that for yourself.

Just to add my voice to the others who say YABU. This was between your partner and his ex and not about you - you don't need to dramatise this.

YABU catlover

Do you have form for making everything about you?

I get it , i understand . We struggled to concieve too . The emotions that brings up are often harsh and upsetting . Im sorry he didnt tell you sooner and that you feel it taints things. However im here to tell you it doesnt . Your baby will still be a first with all the firsts that come with it. Take a step back take deep breaths and try to look forward instead of letting this upset you. It mustve been awful for them but it doesnt mean that you will be affected in any way. You are struggling ttc that is what this is ultimately about. Get proactive on that and focus your energy on something positive. Good luck op.

OP said they're trying to conceive. She didn't mention struggling.