To go on a two week holiday without my DD 10?

[ivechangedmyname123]

Backstory... I'm going to meet DH's family in April. We've decided to spend a week with them and have a week to ourselves. He is staying there when I come back to the UK and we're applying for his spousal visa from there. He is not DD's father.

DD is very welcome to come but says she doesn't want to miss even one day of school! (I'm actually quite proud of this) however would it be unreasonable to leave her for two weeks, one week with my sister and the other with my mother?

Nothing is booked yet and I've already discussed this with DH who said I'm not BU. She is coming with me in the summer holidays for 3 weeks and he said I could Skype her every day.

It'll be the first time I've been away from her for more than a weekend. What do you all think? I've tried not to dripfeed but you may have questions I haven't thought of!

To spend time with his parents who are elderly with health issues. They couldn't travel for our wedding so we are having a blessing and party there in July.

Staying there for a year sounds strange - is that visa related?

Well yes we are still in the process of applying for a spousal visa. As I say it's not time limited, it may take less time or more but the main motivation is to spend time with his family.

Wouldn't stop my massive concerns you say married a year,know for 8!but only met family online chat and as to FGM it's everywhere not in set areas and considering you have never been there I'm surprised you say it's not in his area ?
No way Id take Any daughter of mine to such a country ever.
If he's been here 10 years what's he been doing ?as you say can't work as not working visa ?

If he already has leave to remain here, why does he have to go back to apply? A year is ridiculous! You're married and have a child, but he will be gone for a year to be with his parents? Even if he must go back, a spouse visa takes maximum 12 weeks. Algeria is a country in which you have to 'behave' otherwise expect to be harassed. It's a cover yourself up and keep your head down, many no go areas type of place. You won't be able to nip to a shop in the evening if you are alone. You can't look men in the face, you must cover up even in beach areas, and you can't go out after dark without inviting danger. I don't get why you would put yourself in this position. A week with his family, risks aside, is a long time to be with people you've never met and from a totally different culture. Many people would struggle to be with their in laws for that long, plus you're going in July, too. Do some googling on dangers in Algeria.

I wouldn't go if paid me a million

FGM is more widely practiced in Sub Saharan Africa, there is very little instance of it reported in North Africa with the exception of Egypt. I know his views on this as I regularly discuss my work with him and he seems completely shocked that this goes on and is certainly not in agreement with it.

He has been studying and working part time. He has prospects of a good career. Financially he contributes to the household so I have no concerns there.

I think the general consensus is for me to go(for a shorter time), be careful and consider long and hard about whether to take DD in the summer.

I do appreciate everyone's advice, gave me lots to consider so thanks!

I think going is absolutely fine and your dd will be cared for by relatives and most of all she doesn't want to go and I think 10 is old enough for what she wants taken in to consideration. I'd go for the full 2 weeks

I stayed with my grandparents and auntie many times a child and I've got some wonderful memories of theses times which I treasure now they have all died.

Yes just be careful in every way

You still haven't said why dd doesn't WANT to go.

As for 'seems shocked' about fgm sorry not buying that.

Why hasn't he been back in so long? You've been together 8 years and you've NEVER gone before why?

And you said he dosent have work visa but now say he works and part time obviously against his current visa restrictions.
FGM is everywhere uk too but your naieve to think not his country or his area take look at all the vast online information it's rife there,so he's not shocked he would know for a fact it's practised and fully Condoned there.

OP ignore the naysayers/pearl clutchers who are picking faults. They haven't gone away without their child, so clearly it's incredibly unreasonable if anyone else should do so....

It all seems well thought out and you seem level headed.

FWIW OH's exW has been off on holidays with her partners (couple of long term ones) leaving 2 DSDs with us/her mum/combo for up to 2 weeks from the ages of about 4&6 and up to a week from the age of 1&3 (when she kicked OH out). So "as a mother" you're not alone in holidaying sans kids, and tbh it's not unreasonable to have a life outside of your child - - the fact she adamantly doesn't want to go, is happy to stay at home and go to school and will be with close family makes it even more of a no brainier IMO.

Have a great time! Enjoy the ☀️.

@graphista We have tickets to a concert in the Easter Holidays that she got for Christmas so can't leave until after that. If we stayed for two weeks it would mean her missing some school which she is not willing to do. I asked her for we views on me going and she said she doesn't mind, she's revising for SATs anyway.

I suppose that I know my husband best and that I know that his reaction is genuine. He obviously knows it goes on due to the work I do but can't fathom why anyone would want to do it.

Simply there was just no urgency before. His parents are getting old and in poor health. He has not returned as I suppose he had his life here, uní and work. And now I'm guessing he feels guilty for not helping out- I should add that this decision was made following his sister returning home from Germany so I think he's feeling he should be there too.

Hope this goes some way to answering your questions. I know my husband and trust him completely, I guess you can only make judgements on what you see on paper rather than what I see everyday.

@carllocking He can work part time as per his Student Visa

icy I think the point was more to do with going to Algeria itself, rather than issues with leaving her DD. I am one of the pp saying I'd avoid Algeria, and certainly wouldn't take a young girl there, but would think nothing of OP saying they wanted to go off to Venice for a long weekend. It's not the leaving of the DD in very capable family hands, more the destination choice and the DH situation.

As say be careful when go and keep safe

Wow. The negative assumptions on here about your DH are astonishing, OP.

I think it will be ok if your dd is left with your mum and sister, as long as she is genuinely happy with it.

I get that he feels bad about his parents getting older, but surely working here and being with his wife, and going back home perhaps twice a year to visit is more suitable. How will he advance his career if he's there? And do you really think it's ok to leave you for a whole year?

Wow. The negative assumptions on here about your DH are astonishing, OP Me too

No I wouldn't leave my child for that long. My mum did it to me to be with her husband (my step father) more than 30 years ago for a couple of weeks and I still remember it and not in a good way. I was around 9 at the time and left with close family.

I know!! Poor DH!! Suppose I should have just fell in love with someone from my own country!! DD's fine with it so that's all that matters I suppose!!

Yes I'd leave your dd for 2 weeks, at 10 I feel that she is old enough to have her wants considered and if she doesn't want to go then I think it's fine.

Going to Algeria wouldn't bother me at all, I have been a few times with my college friend to visit there family, Family are always very welcoming and I've never felt unsafe although I never went anywhere without my friend.

Wow. The negative assumptions on here about your DH are astonishing, OP. I agree but that's mumsnet you couldn't possibly know the man you've been with for 8 years OP

" It's not the leaving of the DD in very capable family hands, more the destination choice and the DH situation."

I find it odd that he's not been back for so long especially given they're elderly and sick, doesn't exactly indicate a caring son. The visa thing sounds odd too.

Sorry, Graph, but what exactly is it that sounds odd about the visa?

It doesn't take that long as others have said. I've a relative married to someone from a similar part of the world who's been through all the bureaucracy