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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I should have been told about allegations against my daughter and her teacher?

167 replies

Mumoftmtocount · 18/02/2017 11:16

DD1 is 16 and has become close, in a jokey/friendly way,with her history teacher since he began at her school last October.

DD is mature for her age and gets on well with adults rather than kids. Teacher is mid 20s,James corden kind of looks, nice personality.

DD informs me that yesterday, she was called into see her guidance tutor and asked if she has feelings for history teacher.

Allegedly a parent raised the concern. I however wasn't informed at all.

AIBU to think this whole thing is so out of line?

(DD has no feelings for him btw)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftmtocount · 18/02/2017 19:00

Thought I maybe should add, school is fairly small at around 350 kids :)

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 18/02/2017 19:01

They had a class together in the afternoon??

Awkward!

It does sound that she is taking it all in her stride if she mentioned it during Hollyoaks! That rather suggests there is not much to it, hopefully.

I do feel sorry for her tutor being lumbered with this, crap tutor or not; she can't have had much fun with that conversation and somebody more senior definitely should have handled this!

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 18/02/2017 19:02

Is it an all girls school?

BarrackerBarma · 18/02/2017 19:09

I'm confused as to why a tutor would discuss "feelings" with a teenager like this. Behaviour yes, but feelings?

What on earth was the tutor expecting to come out of the conversation?

Witchend · 18/02/2017 19:15

Tutor might have easily meant that he hadn't spoken to the teacher, not that no one had spoken to him.

Original poster
Mumoftmtocount · 18/02/2017 19:17

Mixed school, DD is my eldest of three there (plus two more in primary, the joys). I do not envy her in that history class in the afternoon!!

I have no idea re the 'feelings' chat, as in if my daughter HAD expressed 'feelings' but hadn't acted out of line then what would be done? As in you can manage behaviour but not feelings.

SLT are generally a joke here, everything gets delegated down to the guidance tutors. We're meant to have 5, at present only have two and a half due to being off sick with stress and various issues.

OP posts:
WyfOfBathe · 18/02/2017 19:37

In training for becoming a Guide leader, one of the subjects covered is a child/young person becoming overly affectionate with a leader - this doesn't necessarily even mean that they've got a crush on the leader, they could just want to be friends or see the leader as a mother figure. We're told that a way to address this is asking a more senior leader to have an informal chat with the young person to remind them about appropriate relationships. It looks as though your DD's school are following the same route.

From what you've said, it really doesn't sound like there's a major safeguarding concern (grooming, etc) but rather just your DD being a bit too affectionate to her teacher, so I'm not surprised that the school didn't feel the need to contact you.

VirgilsStaff · 18/02/2017 21:48

d also be thinking she's maybe less mature for her age than she should be, possibly trying to act grown up and not interacting properly with her peer group and trying to spend more time with her teacher than she should

This. That's why I suggested upthread that actually her "preference" for adults is immaturity, rather than maturity. As a parent, you shouldn't be too complacent about it, as you seem to be in your first post.

AlexanderBerry · 19/02/2017 00:02

Are you the daughter as you wrote
"SLT are generally a joke here, everything gets delegated down to the guidance tutors. We're meant to have 5"

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 19/02/2017 07:51

hmmm. that bit made me wonder whether OP is a teacher in her daughter's own school ; or has quite a lot of dealings with SLT?

It's certainly an insider's lexicon of some kind.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 19/02/2017 08:22

Sorry OP you obviously can't teach in your daughter's school otherwise the whole thread makes no sense!!

But why do you know so much about the attendance of SLT , and the reference to two and a half of them suggests proper detailed knowledge. We refer to half a member of SLT at my school, but only staff would know one was part time? Or are they very short !!??! Grin

Trifleorbust · 19/02/2017 08:32

Some parents teach at their children's schools. OP?

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 19/02/2017 09:03

She can't actually trifle because she mentioned a training day and that she was going to contact them anyway....

Jux · 19/02/2017 19:37

I don't think she can be teaching at her dd's school; I think the op would have been written completely differently if she were working there. Unless she's changed the scenario to make it less identifiable, and has slipped up with her detailed knowledge.

heartisshattered · 19/02/2017 19:39

I think the school should have phoned you.

She's 16 and still at school.

noblegiraffe · 19/02/2017 19:44

What exactly should the school have said? 'We've asked your DD if she has a crush on her history teacher and she said no'? 'DD seems to have a good relationship with her history teacher but it all appears to be above board'?

What exactly do the parents need to know?

fliptopbin · 19/02/2017 20:07

Apologies, but I have only read the first few pages, but as a former secondary teacher, the issue of pupils having crushes on teachers is really really common. When I was younger, I had a few occasions when I was aware that 16 year old boys had "feelings" for me, and although most of the time it was just boys blushing furiously and making excuses to help in the music room ( music departments are notorious for collecting waifs and strays), there were two occasions when I was aware that pupils were becoming obsessive, and in these cases I would have gone to one of the pastoral team in order to cover my back. I wonder if this is what has happened here.

bigearsthethird · 19/02/2017 20:25

Would it be possible the teacher was unsure that your daughters attention was becoming inappropriate even if it wasn't meant like that at all by her and he didn't feel like the best suited to approach that subject with her. So another teacher did just to make sure that the teacher wasn't correct and no inappropriate feelings were there?

Doesn't explain it raised by another parent though. When I was at school there was a particular male re teacher, young readinably good looking that a bunch of girls all fancied like mad. He was really fun and nice and my parents thought he was a good teacher, not as stuffy as some of them there at the time! He did love the attention but he also used to meet up with these girls after school at places like the roller skating or parks sometimes. There were rumours he was sleeping with one of them going round for ages and it only got dealt with when one girls mother saw him outside school kiss this girl he was supposedly sleeping with. She would have been 15 or 16. I can't remember what happened but he moved schools.

If your daughter does have feelings for him I hope he is making sure he doesn't act on them and this is an intervention on his part

friendlyflicka · 19/02/2017 21:06

ILikeBeansWithKetchup I immediately thought of those lovely seventies sweets - I don't understand anything any more...

AlexanderBerry · 19/02/2017 21:28

Seventies sweets?

callmeadoctor · 19/02/2017 21:28

Will somebody tell me what bloody "spangling" is?

AlexanderBerry · 19/02/2017 21:34

What time did someone write spangling so i can find the post.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 19/02/2017 21:46

OurBlanche at 18.20 yesterday said 'spangling'!

It's also what hoovers were originally called. I imagine that's not what it means to Blanche either...

AlexanderBerry · 19/02/2017 22:05

Thanks. I don't know what it means either

friendlyflicka · 19/02/2017 22:06

Is it a technical teaching term?

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