To wonder if I should have been told about allegations against my daughter and her teacher?

[Mumoftmtocount]

DD1 is 16 and has become close, in a jokey/friendly way,with her history teacher since he began at her school last October.

DD is mature for her age and gets on well with adults rather than kids. Teacher is mid 20s,James corden kind of looks, nice personality.

DD informs me that yesterday, she was called into see her guidance tutor and asked if she has feelings for history teacher.

Allegedly a parent raised the concern. I however wasn't informed at all.

AIBU to think this whole thing is so out of line?

(DD has no feelings for him btw)

[ILikeBeansWithKetchup]

Well done for spotting the allusion Trifle !

[Wauden]

OP, you really do need to stop denying what is going on.

[EssentialHummus]

It sounds more like another pupil has told her mother that your daughter fancies the teacher and said mother felt it necessary to approach the school about it.

I agree with this. Plus, it sounds (if I've understood correctly) that you're going on DD's account of her meeting with the tutor, which may have been more subtle than she's making out.

I had a raging crush on my English teacher from age 13 - 18. He must have known. I was also a mature (in some ways) type, a bit of a misfit at my preppy school, and we used to have great chats about music, books etc. He also supported me a lot when a parent fell ill and I struggled with my feelings. (In the same way, though, he'd invite groups of nerdy boys to his home on very occasional weekends to play Warhammer.) God knows what anyone else made of it, but we had a wise headmaster and there was a sense that there were boundaries in place for anyone who cared to question it, even if the situation seemed odd or wrong from the outside.

[NewPuppyMum]

Just because he's well liked in the community doesn't mean that he doesn't have the potential to be a child abuser .

You sound almost proud of your daughter and miffed you've been kept out of the gossip.

[Armadillostoes]

I also agree that it sounds as though another pupil has said something to her parents about your DD's relationship with this teacher, and has felt the need to approach the school. It's impossible to know what has/hasn't happened. It could be a genuine and appropriate concern, or it could be another parent interfering where they shouldn't. Perhaps the other pupil was complaining that your DD is the favourite, and only got a good mark in an essay because she flirts with Mr X. If that's the case, then assuming that the comments were silly and unfounded, shame on the parent for overreacting and potentially causing a lot of trouble and hurt.

[whomovedmychocolate]

OP: you need to ask the school what their process is for dealing with child protection issues - it should be on their website. It's likely that the first stage is, as others have said that the school will internally investigate.

Look, your daughter may well actually fancy her teacher, and that's fine too so long as it does not place either of them into a situation where professional boundaries are blurred or either of them is vulnerable to allegations.

The teacher is probably much more freaked out about this than you are. But honestly any male teacher is going to have his fair share of pupils staring longingly from time to time. I would wait and speak to the school.

But no, they wouldn't normally tell you first because they have to establish preliminary facts first, that's just how these things work.

[Barbie222]

I agree with pp who say the teacher has probably found a way of raising the issue somehow so there is the beginning of a paper trail and he can't be accused of turning a blind eye to what could be a difficult situation for him professionally. If that were me, I'd do everything I could to be as transparent as possible about something like this from the start.

[2014newme]

What does being "close" with a,teacher mean? At my school it meant sex.

[SaudadeObama]

I'm shocked that she was asked that. This is very embarrassing for a teenager. A lot of young teens have teacher crushes. Why the need to cross examine her? If the parent had concerns that it was more than a normal teen crush then it should have been the teacher that was questioned. If the parent was concerned about the possibility of a teen crush then I'd have to wonder if they were raised under a rock and what's more, why the school professional hadn't got a clue how to handle the situation.
I'd be livid.

[OurBlanche]

Saudade Have you actually read the thread, the OP? None of your post suggests you have!

Start with: the parent did not raise any concerns as she knew bugger all about it until her daughter came home and told her that her tutor had spoken to her - a tutor who will have had all the pre-requisite safeguarding training.

[waterrat]

I'm confused as to why the pupil who is the vulnerable person here is being treated as suspicious by all concerned.

The school should absolutely not have embarrassed your daughter. It is up to the teacher to behave appropriately and he is responsible for ANY inappropriate behaviour or relationship tensions.

[OurBlanche]

I'm confused as to why the pupil who is the vulnerable person here is being treated as suspicious by all concerned. That's a common misunderstanding, Safeguarding is a 2-way street, the young person and the professional working with them are both considered mutually vulnerable under some circumstances.

There does not have to be any spite or intent for a student to put a staff member in a tricky position, That staff member is then bound by law, and common sense, to report to the safeguarding team to protect the young person as well as themselves.

All of which is currently, academic as OP has no idea what has happened other than the probably embarrassed utterances of her DD. She won't know more about what happened until she speaks to the school.

The school should absolutely not have embarrassed your daughter. Mmm!

It is up to the teacher to behave appropriately and he is responsible for ANY inappropriate behaviour or relationship tensions. Which a) could well be victim blaming as you have even less idea what has happened than OP does, and b) could well be what he has done, if indeed it was he who has reported 'relationship tensions' between OPs DD and himself.

[Bantanddec]

There's no smoke without fire op. I suspect it one of your daughters friends parents, I would say your daughter probably does have feelings and she's told said friend. I can understand why she hasn't admitted it to you as she's probably embarrassed to tell you.

[Mumoftmtocount]

Phewf, what an afternoon..thankyou all so much for your help and encouragement. It really means a lot, because I feel so out of my depth in this situation.

I had a chat with DD but it didn't end well, when I asked her exactly what her tutor had said she repeated what she'd told me yesterday ('a parent has brought forward a concern that you may have romantic or sexual feelings toward mr X', then when she denied it the tutor spouted some rubbish about 'silly rumours' and told DD just to ignore it).

However, when I asked if Mr X has also been spoken to, DD replied that the tutor or anyone else in SLT hadn't spoken to him before her yesterday, and was unsure whether or not they were going to. Then I tried and failed to gently ask if she'd been behaving in a way that would lead anyone to THINK something was happening on her part, DD got very angry at me and accused me of accusing her of 'fancying' him and he was just her 'favourite teacher'.

I'm calling the school on Monday, fuck INSET days.

[SaudadeObama]

Allegedly a parent raised the concern. so they didn't? A school that is concerned that a teacher is being inappropriate will interview the teacher, not the student. They should and most would then inform the parent.

Asking a teenager if they have feelings for a teacher is inappropriate. Training is just training, people still make mistakes, the op is right, she should have been informed.

[Mumoftmtocount]

Oh and just thought I ought to add from what someone said earlier - she talks about him at home but around the same as she does with other teachers, nothing out of the ordinary tbh. I've seen him at parents night and hell on earth school panto and the only reason his looks and personality stick in my mind is because my sister once went out with someone who looked/acted very similar.

[EssentialHummus]

Good luck on Monday OP. Honestly, it's perfectly normal for schoolgirls to have a crush on a teacher, no need to call in the cavalry if that's the extent of the school's concern. I hope your DD is not too embarrassed.

[OurBlanche]

Ignoring Saud, as it won't help....

Mumof do call school, ask to speak to the safeguarding officer, you should be able to find the named officer on the website, but receptionists will be able to put you through. Be aware that, regardless of what your DD has told you, they won't be able to give you any details, but they will be able to give you enough information to reassure you of their ability to cope with whatever it is.

You can't demand, she is 16 and unless she consents, and does not withdraw her consent at any moment, but you let them know she has spoken to you and that you wish to be as involved as the circumstances warrant. Basically tell them you know, she has told you and that you are concerned and actually want to be part of any necessary solution, if possible.

It will feel frustrating, a bit cloak and dagger but please don't assume that the safeguarding team are incompetent. It isn't impossible, but it is more likely that they know more than you or your DD do and are dealing with it in the best way they can.

[Mumoftmtocount]

Saudade as far as I know they still haven't spoken to the teacher. DD was spoken to on Friday morning and was in his class that same afternoon.

[OurBlanche]

They won't tell you that either, that would be breaking his right to confidentiality... especially if, as you have reported it, your DD is the one that has been seen to be behaving innapropriately - no matter how daft that turns out to be.

Please don't expect that you will ever now everything about what has happened. You won't and that expectation will only lead you to suspect that something is being kept from you.

Chances are your daughter has spangled at the teacher, someone has noticed and reported it out of real concern. Not an unusual circumstance, even me, a long married, somewhat lumpy woman in my late 40s, got spangled at by a couple of16 - 19 year old boys. Spangling is innocent, a smile, a nod, an innocent reference to something outside of class, but still in school.

Teachers get used to it, can be terrified by the possibilities of it, and all schools know how to look into it.

[ILikeBeansWithKetchup]

Why did your daughter tell you this OP? It may or may not matter : just that most teenagers are very secretive. But your OP stated you were annoyed the school haven't spoken to you, rather than stating you were alarmed by what your DD has told you : That suggest you trust your DD's version of events. Does she tell you everything about school ? Was she annoyed herself? Indignant? Embarrassed?
I Buy a PP's theory that another girl has complained to her mum that your DD is getting favourable treatment and this parent has phoned in. The school is then obliged to follow this up.
It sounds suspiciously to me like a member of SLT has passed this down to a more junior member of staff who may not have handled stuff all that well. That said, I am absolutely sure, if there is any foundation at all in nay 'rumours' that a senior member of staff is investigating the teacher in a range of different ways.
As for the school contacting you, it may be that they are planning to once they have all the available info - but I'd call them anyway on Monday. Only then will you know how much your daughter has told (or not told) you.

[ILikeBeansWithKetchup]

OurBlanche: what on earth is spangling???

I only think of late lamented sweets from the 70s or spangly dresses...

[Witchend]

Your dd can't possibly know whether the teacher has been spoken to before or after her.
He could have been spoken to the previous evening after school and she wouldn't know.

Even if she asked him he wouldn't necessarily want to talk about it.

[user1486499646]

16 or not she is still a minor and you should off been informed. What if something was going on (not saying it is atall) and they diddnt tell you... Id be fuming!

[Mumoftmtocount]

DD is pretty open with me, she just randomly brought it up during Hollyoaks when we were discussing John Paul MacQueen

She seemed annoyed rather than embarrassed tbh. I don't like her tutor at all, she hasn't a clue what shes doing (based on other events too) and I suspect as ILikeBeans said it has been passed down to her by SLT.

DD said she asked her tutor if they had spoken to the teacher and she said no, though obviously they could have spoken to him later on, I'm guessing before they had a class together yesterday afternoon?