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AIBU?

To wonder if I should have been told about allegations against my daughter and her teacher?

167 replies

Mumoftmtocount · 18/02/2017 11:16

DD1 is 16 and has become close, in a jokey/friendly way,with her history teacher since he began at her school last October.

DD is mature for her age and gets on well with adults rather than kids. Teacher is mid 20s,James corden kind of looks, nice personality.

DD informs me that yesterday, she was called into see her guidance tutor and asked if she has feelings for history teacher.

Allegedly a parent raised the concern. I however wasn't informed at all.

AIBU to think this whole thing is so out of line?

(DD has no feelings for him btw)

OP posts:

Report

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2017 13:40

If the issue is with the pupil's behaviour (rightly or wrongly) then isn't the parent the one who manages her child's behaviour?

Lucy7400 · 18/02/2017 13:50

Yes I think you should have been informed.

corythatwas · 18/02/2017 13:50

"I brought up DD's maturity purely because I think that have been part of the concern, that she naturally bonds better with adults."

Thinking you can bond with a teacher is not a sign of maturity in a 16yo. It is a sign of immaturity.

Many, many 16yos have crushes on teachers. As they did in my day. But most of them are well informed and sensible enough to know that crushes of this kind belong the realm of daydreams and absolutely cannot develop into any kind of friendship or relationship.

Frankley · 18/02/2017 13:53

A girl at my school DID marry the History teacher. She was a lot younger than he was, and he knew her all the way through school. All perfectly proper though, started dating as soon as she left school and married after University. Must have fancied each other though while she was still at school. All turned out very happily.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/02/2017 13:54

Frankley you're not Cardiff based by any chance?

creampinkrose · 18/02/2017 13:56

I think that's a really inappropriate question to ask your daughter, to be honest, and I'm surprised everyone thinks it's okay!

Spottytop1 · 18/02/2017 13:56

A lot of pupils fancy teachers at that age - especially the younger teachers... it is strange they spoke to her, are you sure they were not checking it wasn't an inappropriate relationship?

BaconMaker · 18/02/2017 14:01

I would assume there was some childish gossip, other parent got wind of it and informed the school just in case. School probably thought they should check it out but realised there was nothing more to it and let it go. If they came to the conclusion it was just idle gossip I don't see why you would need to be informed.

Frankley · 18/02/2017 14:02

Alis No, not Cardiff. Wondering how often teachers marry ex pupils then?? don't suppose we know.

Rubies12345 · 18/02/2017 14:05

If this happened on Friday, maybe they will call you on Monday after speaking to both parties.

DixieNormas · 18/02/2017 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 18/02/2017 14:13

Trifle - pretty sure age of consent doesn't apply in teacher /pupil scenarios as a consideration!

Not that I am suggesting this is one.

I am curious to know how the conversation began with OP's DD : most kids don't divulge anything about their schoolday! Did she just throw it out there? That's a bit odd and suggests she is already covering her back/ prepping OP for the phone call on Monday that she expects will happen?

Trifleorbust · 18/02/2017 14:28

ILikeBeansWithKetchup: You are correct, in the sense that if she was in a sexual relationship with a etcher it would be abusive, but in terms of sitting a student down to discuss her relationships, I would have thought it would apply, ie she would have the right to privacy from her parents. But it is a tricky area.

Trifleorbust · 18/02/2017 14:30

ILikeBeansWithKetchup:

Ps: Well we don't got any! Whatever we don't got, is what you want!

HookandSwan · 18/02/2017 14:31

Yes you should of been informed! 16 is still a child, not mature enough to deal with that kind of situation without a parent.

EmeraldScorn · 18/02/2017 14:36

It sounds more like another pupil has told her mother that your daughter fancies the teacher and said mother felt it necessary to approach the school about it.

She might well fancy the teacher and if so she would deny it of course - I don't think you are being "precious", I agree that the school should have informed you but going in all guns blazing now isn't going to help.

Funnyface1 · 18/02/2017 14:36

You absolutely should have been informed. That's a serious allegation and she is a child. I would be furious. Get down there and sort it out.

Hidingtonothing · 18/02/2017 14:39

Yes you should have been informed and I would want to know exactly what the basis of the allegation was.

Montezumasrevenge · 18/02/2017 14:46

You should absolutely have been informed by the school. I can't believe anyone would suggest that you're being precious by wanting to know.
16 is still a child, a teacher is in a position of power, able to groom and abuse. I'm not suggesting that is what has happened but it is possible. As a parent of course you need to know.

JanuaryMoods · 18/02/2017 14:47

It seems to me that another pupil is jealous and has moaned to their parent. Ignore.

I had excellent relationships with several teachers and there was nothing iffy going on. Poor man.

kittytom · 18/02/2017 14:47

I think if it were an actual allegation (ie that meets the threshold for being considered one) of an inappropriate relationship you should have been informed. Maybe the concern was more that your DD had a crush on him hence the guidance tutor speaking with her informally. That is different to an actual allegation against a member of staff so maybe is why you weren't informed? Or, they could be not following procedure correctly. So I would call the school on Monday to ask them. They will have a policy for dealing with actual allegations. (It should be on their website).

paxillin · 18/02/2017 14:49

I wouldn't expect to be told if it was just a teen crush and the teacher was professional.

Maybe another parent overheard your DD saying she did. Maybe a friend was shit stirring. Maybe the teacher himself informed the guidance tutor. Of course she'll deny it when asked by her guidance tutor or you.

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Jux · 18/02/2017 14:58

We had a similar thing with dd when she was 16. If the school had been consoled by what she said when they interviewed her they would have left it, but she was angry and said some stupid things which she didn't mean, so then they contacted us. Luckily, we knew all about it anyway as she is very open and trusting with us (mostly! afawk!) so we could reassure the school, and that was the end of it.

If they'd been unhappy with your dd's responses they would have contacted you, but it seems they were reassured by her, so why bother going any further? It seems fine to me that they have a chat with her first at her age.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2017 15:01

The thing is th fact the school acted on the allegation and the guidance teacher talked to her would indicate to me they think there may be something inappropriate in your daughters behaviour, that there may be something in it and the history teacher feels the same. Lots of kids get crushes, lots of busy body parents, if the school takes the step of speaking to the pupil then I'd say they are doing so as they have concern. Kids get crushes all the time and no one speaks to them.

Either way, you're not going to know till you speak to them.

I'd also be thinking she's maybe less mature for her age than she should be, possibly trying to act grown up and not interacting properly with her peer group and trying to spend more time with her teacher than she should. She might also have made some boastful remarks to other kids which has got back to parents, again that would be a lack of maturity.

I'd not be overly concerned to be honest, but I'd be preparing to talk to the school and then to her, albeit gently.

noblegiraffe · 18/02/2017 15:02

Teachers cannot be friends with students. They are not equals either in age or status. They can have a close relationship in the sense of a mentoring relationship, if necessary - the pupil confiding in the teacher and seeking advice (child protection rules apply), or they can have a friendly relationship (quick chats about films or music) but they cannot be friends as the teacher cannot reciprocate with information-giving, or advice-seeking, and the teacher should not be seeking out the student for company.

A student who is seeking to be friends with a teacher should be encouraged to form more age-appropriate and equally reciprocated relationships.

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