To wonder if I should have been told about allegations against my daughter and her teacher?

[Mumoftmtocount]

DD1 is 16 and has become close, in a jokey/friendly way,with her history teacher since he began at her school last October.

DD is mature for her age and gets on well with adults rather than kids. Teacher is mid 20s,James corden kind of looks, nice personality.

DD informs me that yesterday, she was called into see her guidance tutor and asked if she has feelings for history teacher.

Allegedly a parent raised the concern. I however wasn't informed at all.

AIBU to think this whole thing is so out of line?

(DD has no feelings for him btw)

[SuperVeggie]

I agree that the allegation is odd - would make sense if they were saying the teacher+pupil relationship was inappropriate, but they are only saying that your DD 'fancies' the teacher.

The only possible rationale I can think of for this is that the parent or the school are trying to 'protect' the male teacher. Before I get flamed for saying this, what I mean is that they might be concerned that your DD has developed feelings for him and may therefore try to pursue something inappropriate with him. Even if the male teacher acted completely responsibly and said no, it could still end up looking bad for him and he could come out of it looking like he had encouraged your DD or 'groomed' her.

So perhaps the parent/school aren't worried about the two of them actually having an inappropriate relationship, but they are worried that your DD has feelings that she may pursue which may then put the male teacher in a position where he looks like he has behaved unprofessionally even if he hasn't.

I agree though that it is odd that the school didn't contact you about this though. I would have thought it would be more professional for them to invite you along to a meeting with her. She may be 16 but she is still at school so I would expect parents to be involved.

[youarenotkiddingme]

I think you should have been informed too. If they are investigating a report about a teacher/pupil relationship possibly being inappropriate then it comes under safeguarding - therefore you should know.

Whether they are way off the mark or not they decided to speak to DD.

[UpWithPup]

Is it possible that when it was raised with the school there was already no evidence to back it up, but the school were duty bound to investigate. They did - by speaking to your daughter - and again nothing raised their concern. They didn't feel they should bother you with it because it was all unfounded?

[SuperVeggie]

Of course, I am assuming here that the male teacher IS behaving completely responsibly and professionally and is not doing anything wrong. That might not be the case, but it doesn't sound like that is the allegation.

[MrsWhiteWash]

I think I'd expect to be informed if they did have concerns - not least so we could be aware of potential problems.

Oddly worded complaint though - has she been accused of behaving inappropriately or has the teacher - I think I'd want a word with someone at the school to find out why DD was spoken or what their concerns were.

[hoddtastic]

i think you are speaking about this weirdly, you aren't doing her any favours minimising/justifying this inappropriate 'relationship' - regardless of 'maturity' she's 16, don't attribute anything else to her or let this 'maturity' rob her of being a normal teenager.

[Mumoftmtocount]

Posted this at a bad time as have to dash off to an appointment but will read everything in full & respond in a bit. Teacher had been behaving completely properly as far as I'm aware. He is well liked by parents and within the community. May try and bring it up with DD again at some point too

[ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo]

I have been wracking my brains as to who would ring up the school about it, and honestly cant think of anyone.

How big is the school / your DD's year group? My mother had no contact with the parents of my school friends when I was 16. Likewise, when DD was 16 (now 25) I had contact details for about 3 parents of my DD's friends, and the school had 1000+ pupils.

My money is on either a friend of your DD's mischief making (deliberately or otherwise) because she's jealous of any perceived 'relationship' between your DD and the teacher; or a perceptive parent has acted on chit chat her own DD/DS has shared about how 'friendly' your DD and the teacher are.

At 16 I would never have openly shared with my parents that I had a crush on a teacher! Good luck with that conversation.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

I find it concerning that you describe your daughter as being 'close' to her teacher and think that's OK. Pupils shouldn't be 'close' to teachers, whether as friends or otherwise. There might be a relationship of trust, a pupil might confide in a teacher, they might get on well but that's not being 'close'.

[Ginkypig]

I was quite like how you described your daughter and I had relationships like that with some of my teachers.

The school librarian, male 20's
Maths teacher, female 40's
Computer teacher male 50's

I didn't fancy any of them and I'm pretty sure they didn't fancy me either! I just was always older than my years and I think they saw that, nothing inappropriate ever happened with any of them but I suppose looking in from the outside it might have looked odd that an adult of somtimes 30+ years my senior would have any want to joke or converse with me.
I do realise years later that it's not usual but that doesn't make these (boundried) friendships wrong

I obviously can't comment on your dd or her teacher. I can't poss know if it's innocent like my friendships were or if there is potential for somthing inappropriate to happen but though I'd share my story.

[Mumoftmtocount]

MrsWhiteWash it's her (my daughter) being accused of having 'feelings' for him, as far as I'm aware, none were brought up regarding him.

[llangennith]

I'd want to be informed too. If your DD is ok I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Maybe warn her that if a teacher gets involved in any way with a pupil they lose their job and won't ever be allowed to teach again.
If the teacher is as you've described I'm sure he gets on with a lot of the pupils and that some of them fancy him. That's hardly inappropriate.
Why did the other parent not speak to you about her concerns? Why go straight to the school? Is her own DD maybe a bit jealous as she fancies this teacher?

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

is it possible that the teacher was a little concerned that she might be developing feelings for him and asked a colleague to step in to protect himself/nip it in the bud?

if the school felt it necessary to talk to DD i think they should have let you know.

[theothercatpurred]

Mumoftmtocount I suggest you repost in relationships or education. AIBU is full of people who just want to have a go and tell you how wrong you are IME.

[theothercatpurred]

If you are concerned about how the school are treating your DD then you could talk to them - find out what their perspective is.

[Unicornsandrainbows3]

The school should have raised it with you. I was the student in this scenario once and it did not end well. As a 16 year old I didn't recognise grooming for what it was until too late. If someone like the parent in the OP had stepped in then things may have been very different. If it were me OP I'd be contacting the school ASAP to discuss this, regardless of what your daughter says.

[winniewigs]

Whoever reported their concerns did the right thing really. Better safe than sorry.

We had a jokey, flirty, cool young male teacher when I was at school. He would join in smoking with the pupils etc. Other teachers tried to warn him, not to get too pally with the school kids, but he didn't seem to see the harm. A 15/16 year old girl at my school did fancy him, and flirted with him a lot. He had a young wife and a baby, and he obviously refused to get into a sexual relationship with this school girl. The girl was upset, and she then accused him of sexually assaulting her. They printed his full name and address in the papers, as the papers were obsessed with paedophiles at the time. It went to court, and he was found innocent, but the damage was already done. His teaching career ruined, his marriage strained and his home targeted.

It's just not worth it for teachers to get friendly with school kids.

[MrsWhiteWash]

I'd still ask the Guidance councillor what promoted the talk to your DD and ask why they haven't been in touch with you.

Hopefully everyone teacher and your DD been behaviour appropriately. However it's possible her take on the interview is they were questioning her when they may have been fishing for information about him.

"Feelings" bit is odd - I felt odd at times as I never fancied any of my teachers having feelings for teachers seemed so very common in my friends.

[Oakmaiden]

Hm. I am wondering if the teacher himself brought it up to someone. ?It is a difficult line for a male teacher to walk with a teenage girl - friend and confidante is perfectly fine and can be very constructive for a teen, but if it slips into infatuation on behalf of the teen then that will be incredibly damaging for him. Which might be why it was phrased as "does she have feelings for him" - because he has already raised the worry and staff are confident he doesn't have romantic feelings for her, but that he is concerned she might misread the attention he pays her... Does that make sense?

[Olympiathequeen]

Of course you are not being overprotective or precious! DD is classed as a child and the teacher is also in an awkward position if this has been reported and acted upon.

As her parent you should have been contacted and the situation discussed with you. Pretty poor management from the school and I would be contacting them.

[Blossomdeary]

I would guess that a friend said something to her parents, who then approached the school. It is always hard to know whether this is just a silly teenage conversation (He's a bit fit!) or something more serious.

I do think the school should have let you know that they were going to have this chat with your DD.

I am guessing that your DD probably does not have feelings for him, or she would have kept her mouth shut and not told you of the meeting with tutor. But I am surprised that the school did not let you know. I hope that the tutor has spoken with the teacher too.

One of my DDs (now 40!) had a huge crush on one of her teachers - it was all out in the open with friends and family - the teacher in question dealt with it with great kindness and sensitivity and I am grateful for that. She still gets a spark when she sees him around - but her OH knows all about it and they have a joke about it. She was helped through that first flush of feeling for the opposite sex in a thoughtful way; but it is not always so. The teacher was older and a lot wiser than one in his 20s.

Just needs keeping a bit of an eye on I think.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

If I were you I would probably feel the same way you do.
But as an outsider I have to be honest and say I am pleased that someone expressed their concern and that the school have taken it seriously.

If you are sure there is nothing in this you know far better than I do.
But taken as a wider issue we have failed to protect teenagers from predatory wo/men or wo/men who are too damn weak and stupid to behave like adults.

The report may have been mischief making but its just as likely to be genuine concern.

[SuperVeggie]

Can we please not make the assumption here that the teacher has done anything wrong or is 'grooming' the student. Yes, that does happen sometimes and should obviously be wary of this. But it's not always the case - in fact, it is much more common for a teenager to fancy a teacher and the teacher be completely innocent and professional.

Incidentally, I think this illustrates why some people are reluctant to get into teaching, and particularly that males don't want to go into primary teaching. The slightest thing can be misinterpreted or blown out of proportion and the teacher's career and reputation ruined forever, even if they have done nothing at all wrong. There is no indication here that the teacher has done anything unprofessional, but some folk are already assuming the worse.

[Bluetrews25]

I agree with x2 PPs above - think the teacher raised concerns that her feelings were developing and asked guidance staff to help fend her off. Wise teacher, if this is the case. They probably have not informed parents as they know that it's only at the potential 'crush growing' stage.
The good thing is that the daughter told OP about the meeting!

[sandragreen]

Have you actually spoken with anyone at the school about this? I would make an appointment to find out what the hell was going on.

It sounds like one of your DDs friends is concerned about this relationship. Of course she is going to just brush it off. She may have told you thinking the school were going to contact you anyway and wanting to get her side across?

Hopefully it's nothing but I certainly wouldn't leave it like this.