To wonder if I should have been told about allegations against my daughter and her teacher?

[Mumoftmtocount]

DD1 is 16 and has become close, in a jokey/friendly way,with her history teacher since he began at her school last October.

DD is mature for her age and gets on well with adults rather than kids. Teacher is mid 20s,James corden kind of looks, nice personality.

DD informs me that yesterday, she was called into see her guidance tutor and asked if she has feelings for history teacher.

Allegedly a parent raised the concern. I however wasn't informed at all.

AIBU to think this whole thing is so out of line?

(DD has no feelings for him btw)

[ohtheholidays]

Of course you should have been informed,she's only 16 she's still a child in the eyes of the law and why the hell they'd be questioning your DD rather than the Teacher is very strange!

Honestly I'd speak to the school and check what's gone on,the school could have talked to your DD but I would have thought they'd be checking that the Teacher hadn't made her feel uncomfortable in any way rather than asking her if she has feelings for her Teacher,that part doesn't ring true for me at all!

Honestly OP this could be your DD reaching out to you because she's worried or feels uncomfortable about something that's going on,has happened or she thinks may happen with her Teacher and she's to scared or embarrassed to say what it is.

It could be nothing but I'd always tred with caution when it comes to our DC.
I hope you get to the bottom of it and it's nothing bad.

[TheStoic]

I'd expect to be informed by the school about an issue such as this, yes.

Can't believe anyone would describe that as 'precious'.

So it's an issue serious enough for another parent to raise with the school, but seemingly not serious enough to tell the student's actual parents??

[TheFirstMrsDV]

Can we please not make the assumption here that the teacher has done anything wrong or is 'grooming' the student

I don't think people are assuming anything about this particular case.
But it has to be considered as well as the idea that a teenager could have a crush.

And I don't think you can state that it is more likely to be one or the other unless you have figures?

I am a bit about the notion of precocious school girls out to trap their innocent male teacher stories.

[Bluntness100]

why the hell they'd be questioning your DD rather than the Teacher is very strange!

[MrsWhiteWash]

It could be anything so I'd be talking to the school directly.

I wasn't trying to imply that the males teacher has done anything wrong just raising possibility the talk may not have been about OP's DD.

It's possible another parent doesn't like this teacher's style - and has included OP DD to bolster their complaint.

It's possible the teacher been too informal and is now worried that been misinterpreted, possibly colleagues with more experience are concerned he's left himself open to misinterpretation and this was an attempt to stop that.

It's also possibly someone setting out causing trouble directed at either OP DD or the male teacher.

Or it could just be crossed wires in someone else's talk with their child - or a child talking about themselves but using OP DD name.

Could be anything - and Op only going to find out what going on by talking with the staff member who spoke to her DD to figure out why it happened.

[OurBlanche]

If they are investigating a report about a teacher/pupil relationship possibly being inappropriate then it comes under safeguarding - therefore you should know. That isn't how safeguarding works, really it isn't. There are many reasons for this.

The assumption has been made by most that the male teacher is complicit and someone else has made a report.

It is, as some have said, also likely that the male teacher made the report himself.

But the assumption here is that he is culpable. If the safeguarding team made the same assumption and told students/parents etc what do you think the outcome would be?

As it is is very likely that the school team spoke to OPs DD and advised her that talking to her mum would be a good thing as the one thing they are LEGALLY obliged NOT TO DO is to talk to parents without her permission. They can offer all sorts of support, which she can refuse; they can, and should, report it up the safeguarding ladder, if the male teacher reported this then they will have.

No one will be hiding anything but OP and her DD have no right to more information unless there are developments that require charges, etc. Which, whilst some her might like to assume that, we don't know is the case!

[Witchend]

The way you've expressed your op seems a little off.

I've a 16yo who could also be described as mature, getting on better with adults etc.
If she was called into a similar meeting I suspect she'd come out going "feelings? Me?"
Because I don't think she would necessarily recognise that she was going that way because she would just see it as her liking the teacher.

But it's the way you describe him is a bit creepy. I don't know any of dd1's teachers well enough to describe their personality. I know those who struggle with discipline, I know those who tend to arrive at lessons late, I know those who are prepared to give up their lunchtime to give revision lessons.
I wouldn't be able to comment on their personality.
That makes me wonder if she's talking a lot about him at home "Sir says.... sir did this...etc." or you've met him on a more social basis more than once.

I think the school has handled it correctly. As with any red flag issue they need to speak directly to the people involved and get their true reaction rather than a reaction that's been coached by parent or forewarned (not saying you would, but some would)

What if they'd contacted you the previous night? Would you have not spoken to your dd? There have been cases of that happening and the "couple" disappearing off. Parents in that case have often said that they never saw it coming.

It can't have been an easy conversation for the school to have, and I think you have to allow that they were trying to do the best for your daughter, who, for all her maturity, is still vulnerable.

[HiggeldyPiggeldy]

If the school were concerned enough to raise what is potentially a serious issue with your dd, I do think they should have also contacted you to raise their concerns.

[VirgilsStaff]

Your DD shouldn't be friends with a teacher. Full stop.

You seem to think this marks her out as special, but it doesn't. Rather less mature than her peers ,IME. I imagine they will also be talking to the teacher, and he will be required to put in some clear strong boundaries. You would do well to discuss this with your DD, and suggest she think about her need to seek affirmation from an older man. It's not particularly healthy

The teacher needs to exercise far better judgement. Your daughter needs to understand this.

[TheStoic]

Your DD shouldn't be friends with a teacher. Full stop.

No, not 'full stop'. I was friends with numerous teachers at that age. Still am, 20 years later.

Friendship in itself is fine. Inappropriate friendships, not so much.

[Kennington]

I think the point is being missed. Is anything going on or likely to be going on soon? If not then let it go.
It is normal for pupils to fancy teachers.
Kids shouldn't be becoming close to teachers unless they don't have anyone at home who is suitable for adult discussions and assistance.

[ZombieApocalips]

I have a 15 year old (16 next month) and would expect some details.
There's so many possible explanations

1. Teacher is worried that she fancies him and he wants her behaviour logged just in case.
   
2. A friend of your dd fancies the teacher and is trying to drive a wedge between the teacher and your dd.
   
3. Somebody is concerned about your dd.
   
4. Somebody is concerned about the teacher.
   
   I'm surprised to hear that the school dealt with this by asking your dd if she fancied the teacher. I can't imagine anyone with a crush on a teacher admitting this to another teacher.

[miserableandinpain]

All a bit strange... when i was at school, Not that long ago most teachers were jokey and friendly with pupils. It was a way to connect with them. It is up to the teacher not to cross the line.

2nd, all kids will develop a crush on a teacher at some point. Maybe not all but most. As long as they dont act on those feelings then it would be fine.

3rd why are the school asking her is she fancies the teacher rather than speaking to the teacher and checking on the context of the relationship as he is the adult not your child.

4th yes you should have been advised, she is your daughter. If another child, parent and the school felt it was necessary to raise sonething then you should have been told.

I would just have a talk with her about boundaries etc.


It is possible that the other chikd was jealous of the treatment and said something else to her parent to try and cause troubke for your daughter. These things do happen and they shouldnt.

Young girls are vulnerable. But many male teachers are too especially when it comes to teaching female students. I went to an all girls school and girls would make it very difficult for male teachers, short skirts so the teacher would have to comment and tell them to roll it down. They would then back chat ans say why are you looking sir? Colourful bras unded their white school shirt in summer etc.

I am not saying your daughter has done anything wrong at all. And i would imagine she just gets on with this teacher which is good as she has someone she can trust. Just advise the school you have no concerns but will soeak to her about boundaries. I suspect it was a jealous school friend....altthough i could be wrong

[miserableandinpain]

Zombie. Exactly what i was thinking

[OurBlanche]

That'll be the DDs shorthand version of what was actually said, I would think. I don't think we can rely on the detail OP has to be sure of precisely what happened in that meeting with her tutor!

[Thinkingblonde]

I think you should speak to your daughter, if she's as mature as you say she is she should understand the implications of being over familiar with her teacher.
If she isn't as mature s you say then she needs to be told of the implications.
She may be mature but not realise how her behaviour could be misconstrued by others.
If I were you I'd be making an appointment to get to the bottom of it.

[Bahh]

I feel sorry for your daughter, she must be absolutely mortified. You should be really proud she told you.

I fancied a teacher rotten when I was 15. I would have absolutely died if anyone had said anything about it.

I agree with whoever said your daughter has probably said something to a friend who has then said something to their parents and they are the ones who've raised it. I think she probably does fancy him a bit, sorry.

And no, at her age I don't think you should have been informed. Given that the 'allegation' was a bit of a crush and not any sort of relationship, it seems normal that her tutor just had a quiet chat to sound the situation out. If anything came of that or anything more serious was noticed, then I'd expect you to be involved.

However as someone who got into a secret relationship with a 23 year old man when I was 15, ran away with him and had 5 years of my life stolen, PLEASE keep a very close eye on this.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

I think it is really overstating the case to say most children will develop a crush on teachers at some point.
Unless things have changed an awful lot since I was in school. I accept that was a bloody long time ago but kids are still kids afaik.

[Trifleorbust]

The thing is, with a 16 year old the school probably have a duty of care NOT to immediately inform parents about what could turn out to be a consensual sexual relationship (albeit an entirely inappropriate one). It is not impossible that informing parents could put the student at further risk.

[Masketti]

If the issue is with the pupil's behaviour (rightly or wrongly) then isn't the parent the one who manages her child's behaviour? And therefore should be told so she can help modify it with her daughter? Presumably if the daughter's behaviour is perceived as inappropriate she didn't realise she was overstepping the mark and needs her parent to guide her?

[VirgilsStaff]

I never had a crush on a teacher. Yuk. But then I never sought male attention from men 10 years older than me either. Seeking to be " close" to a teacher is inappropriate, IMO.

[JaceLancs]

I was very close to a teacher at high school but not in a relationship sense and I didn't fancy him
However he helped me through a very difficult time in my life when I was self harming and stopped me going off the rails completely
I was called into a similar meeting with the deputy head and asked if I had feelings for him and told that I should spend less time talking to him
This was in the days before camhs and school counsellors etc - I was already seeing a psychiatrist through my gp - but I just needed someone sympathetic to talk to more frequently

[ProfAnnieT]

It can't be a consensual sexual relationship in the eyes of the law if the student is under 18 - different rules apply where the person is in a position of trust.

[Beeziekn33ze]

OP in your thread heading could 'allegations about' be 'concerns about' maybe? Just that to me 'allegations' sounds like 'accusations' whereas 'concerns' sounds like 'worries'.
Having known of many inappropriate relationships IRL I think the school maybe be wanting to protect your DD and the young teacher. And, of course, the school's reputation!

[Trifleorbust]

ProfAnnieT: I don't disagree, but he 16 year old is over the age of consent so I would imagine her privacy would come first.