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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL imposes crockery apartheid on me...AIBU?

97 replies

Figfarmer · 17/02/2017 23:04

Whenever SIL comes to stay she rearranges my cupboards.

I was making her toast for breakfast and she opened the cupboard to get a plate out, and I watched her sort the pile of plates in order of size and colour. I have told her that I like things to be relaxed and casual in my house, but she "corrects" my things anyway.

My glasses and mugs occupy their shelf in a pleasantly random manner, in perfect harmony, and she changes them into crockery apartheid.

I love the way in nature things move and end up in just the right spot, like shells washed up on a beach or trees in a forest. I have mentioned this analogy to SIL, that the same natural movement happens in my kitchen, as plates and cups are used and put back in their cupboard as they come. My house is neat and tidy, colourful, busy, and relaxed. SIL is lovely and can sort her own cupboards to her hearts content but I wish she would leave mine alone. She is not OCD, and doesn't make the bed, which is fine by me. After all, she is my guest. DB and SIL are staying for two weeks, from overseas.

Is she being PA or should I just chill the fuck out?

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 18/02/2017 00:07

If she actually has OCD then be kind and let her be. She knows she is annoying you and cannot help it. The compulsion to do it or rather the distress she'd suffer if she did NOT do it is awful.
And yes, it is entirely possible to have compulsions about some things and not others. OCD is a horrible condition, usually related to anxiety disorders. Be kind.

If she is being a dick, call her on it. "Stop changing my plates, it is rude and makes me feel cross".

StrangeLookingParasite · 18/02/2017 00:09

It's incredibly rude to reorganise someone's house to suit yourself. And interfering.

That. Exactly. She's really rude.

PacificDogwod · 18/02/2017 00:11

Exit Grin

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2017 00:12

The OP said she doesn't have OCD Pacific

But re-reading the OP's posts, I get that this is not a serious thread.

A simple "Stop being so rude" would put an end to it, but obviously she's ok with it and finds it funny.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2017 00:12

Loving @FrancisCrawford's response. I must say I'd call her out on it, like 'what the fuck are you doing?!' I would find that ridiculously rude, I simply wouldn't dream of it.

Jux · 18/02/2017 00:23

Why do people no longer actually speak to each other? Just tell her to stop reorganising your stuff, just stop.

PageStillNotFound404 · 18/02/2017 00:27

Have you asked her WHY she does it? If she doesn't have OCD I'd be intrigued to hear her reasoning. Because she thinks it's doing you a favour? Because her religion forbids blue plates to touch white plates? Because the platypus people in the walls tell her to do it?

AdoraBell · 18/02/2017 00:28

Lynnm63 I get what you mean. My DH, and DC, put things away randomly and I like tall glasses together and the small ones, coffee mugs together etc, although not lined up.

But, if they are in a cupboard then they are not visible to people who are visiting my home. So everyone else can bugger off and mind their own business about what's out of sight in the cupboards. DH putting the coffee machine and anything else at a jaunty angle though, that makes me stabby.

Comedyusername · 18/02/2017 00:42

YANBU - that would drive me bonkers. Just say "please stop doing that"

Rainbunny Good on you!

BreconBeBuggered · 18/02/2017 00:42

Oh God, OP, you've reminded me of a contrasting problem I used to have with ILs visiting when I lived further away and they'd come for a week. They're meticulously tidy in their own house and insisted on doing their bit to help out in mine, but they would fling the cutlery in the drawer seemingly at random instead of tucking the forks in the fork section and so on, like reasonable human beings would do. Never got my head around that.

Glitteryunicorn · 18/02/2017 00:53

@Rainbunny I love your guerrilla tip-ex penning Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/02/2017 00:56

@Figfarmer - dh and I have a set of Emma Bridgewater crockery for every day. Well - I say set, but we have 1 dinner plate and one side plate in each of six designs, and six pasta bowls, four of which match the plates (but they didn't have all the designs I wanted in pasta bowls).

The bowls live in the cupboard bit of the dresser, but the plates are on the shelves - dh said that they should be lined up, with the matching side plate above th corresponding dinner plate - but I want it to be all mixed up, eclectic.

He used to put the plates back in order (he tried different ways of having a logicalpattern but I spotted them all), but has now accept d that eclectic disorder is the way th dresser is meant to be!

I would get very cross if someone came into my kitchen and reorganised my things. I was a bit taken aback when ds2 decided that my request for a quick clean of the kitchen actually meant hours of deep cleaning including emptying, cleaning and tidying my cupboards - and he did do a bit of reorganisation. He was working so hard I didn't like to complain, and I just let things drift back naturally to their right places.

He isn't reordering my cupboards on a regular basis - it was just a one-off, so I have bitten my lip. I don't think I could if it was happening more often.

MothersRuinart · 18/02/2017 00:57

I would just let it go and change things back when she leaves. If they live abroad, you won't have to worry about her doing that at your house constantly.

That's the line I've taken with my MIL who re-organises everything in our house when she visits (thankfully max 2 times/year!). She even does our bedroom and wardrobes even though we've specifically told her not to.

Original poster
Figfarmer · 18/02/2017 01:07

Wolef Eclectic Disorder - what a great name for the way my plates are normally stacked! Thank you.

I just found two black and white bread and butter plates to randomly add to the pile before they come home.

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 18/02/2017 01:13

So rude to fiddle with other people's stuff, uninvited Hmm Shock Angry

viques · 18/02/2017 01:42

I feel for your sil. I don't do it because I am well brought up, but my fingers twitch when I am in someone's house and they have something WRONG.

It would only take me five minutes to improve their life a thousandfold. But I don't.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/02/2017 02:01

I don't go around rearranging things in people's houses for the hell of it, but if I was drying up, or emptying the dishwasher, I'd just naturally stack the dishes in order & if I was putting clean towels away I'd naturally fold them all the same size & stack them by colour/set. I can understand not caring if they're stacked in order or not, but it wouldn't have even occurred to me (before this thread) that anyone would prefer them piled randomly.

If you asked me not to do it, I would be careful not to & I'd try really hard not to do anything else similar. I'd be upset that I had inadvertently done something that annoyed you in your house.

Most of my friends find some flimsy excuse to get me into their kids playrooms - I love a good bit of organising puzzles, Lego, books etc 🤣

Original poster
Figfarmer · 18/02/2017 02:04

viques you are welcome to come and stay as my next guestSmile Your nice manners would be appreciated (if you could tolerate my mismatched plates). Can I ask though, how would sorting my plates according to colour improve my life a thousandfold???

OP posts:
user1477282676 · 18/02/2017 02:15

OP I'm like you but DH is like your SIL and I am SO glad you shared your analogy about nature and natural movement.

I am going to hit DH with that one. He's such a hippie he'll buy it!

OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 02:21

I think it's possible to be OCD about some things (e.g. crockery) and not others

No. It is not ever possible to be obsessive compulsive disorder. Hmm a person cannot be a disorder. A person can have a disorder. And this doesn't just mean they like to tidy.

OneWithTheForce · 18/02/2017 02:23

Plates should be ordered by size, not colour.

Exactly. because they should all be white

PaintingOwls · 18/02/2017 09:27

I am actually with your SIL. The mixed up mugs and glasses would drive me mad, I am twitching just thinking about it now. Perhaps she thinks you are close enough to do that with and she wouldn't do it to someone else?

Mumzypopz · 18/02/2017 09:52

Mixed up mugs might drive people mad, but they are a guest, so should not interfere. It's rude. My MIL used to go round the house wiping her finger along things for dust, or saying "that needs to be tidied". It's incredibly rude. My house isn't dirty, it's lived in. When we go to hers you feel uncomfortable because it's so perfect. They get new carpets at least once a year and you have to take your shoes off at the door which is embarrassing. Once, when I knew she was visiting I blitzed the house and watched her, she couldn't find anything wrong at all. On leaving, she walked up the drive past my car, ran her finger along it and said "that needs a wash". We laughed for weeks at that.

quarkinstockcubes · 18/02/2017 09:59

Let her get on with it and then enjoy her reaction when she comes back and sees it is just as bad as it was Grin

I came home from hospital with dc1 to find that my SIL had rearranged the furniture in the living room "because it looks better this way". She was complaining of exhaustion because she had been up the whole night organizing my spice cupboard. I was raging when I opened it to find TEA COFFEE SUGAR TUMERIC written in permanent marker on my new Denby ceramic storage jars. DH thought that was a great idea and 20 years later still suggests that I write the contents of all of the jars in marker Hmm

Chasingsquirrels · 18/02/2017 10:07

I think my response would be along the lines of;
"What the fuck do you think you are doing??? Just stop rearranging my cupboards. NOW".