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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sick and partner won't look after daughter

83 replies

smellyhouseelf · 17/02/2017 10:14

There is a massive back story, but it's basically what you've heard before about lazy partners and emotional abuse, but today I'm at the end of my tether. I started with a sickness bug last night and have been up all through the night with it. This morning, dd age 2 woke up at 5.30. After listening to her play on her own for a while she began to moan and shout for us. I asked partner to please get up with her. He went and opened her door and let her get in bed with us. There was no way she would go back to sleep and he went straight back to sleep ignoring me when I asked him to take her downstairs. So I got up with her around 6.15. He has only just got out of bed and has shouted at me saying I spoil her by getting up with her and it's not his fault I chose to get up. I am so sick of the way he treats me. Anyway I'm due to go stay with family this weekend, and I'm thinking of just staying there for good. Coming back next week with a van to pack my things. It feels like the last straw. But I don't want to tell him my plan until I come back to pack, as I think he will make it very difficult to leave. Family say I can stay with them with the kids until I find somewhere to live. Part of me feels guilty, so I really just need telling I'm doing the right thing. Am I?

OP posts:
BaconMaker · 17/02/2017 11:35

Flowers you're doing the right thing. My DH would have sprung out of bed before I had a chance to wake up if I'd been up throwing up all night (and he works long hours and looks forward to a weekend lie in). He sounds like the kind of person who would always avoid doing is share and blame everyone else.

Dragongirl10 · 17/02/2017 11:37

YES, Go, and don't come back...except to collect your belongings, good luck

Kiroro · 17/02/2017 11:38

You are doing the right thing

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 17/02/2017 11:38

Bloody good for you, go for it. Take papers when you go this week, and come back for belongings another day. Do it all while you're strong enough to keep your resolve and make you and your daughter happier.

Good luck.

Benedikte2 · 17/02/2017 11:43

You know it's not if you will leave but when and now is an appropriate time. Don't put it off but do it while you have the motivation and avoid the misery of further time with this awful and abusive man.
Good luck

pregnantat50 · 17/02/2017 11:46

Well done for being brave enough to make the break. You are definitely doing the right thing.

My Ex showed his true colours when I had surgery to remove my gall bladder. I had 3 children aged, 8 months, 2 and 4 and he left me to look after them when I was supposed to be recovering and my consultant told me no lifting! (my 8 month old needed lifting! so that didn't work), I got an infection and my stitches split, my ex went to golf, football and carried on with his life not helping out at all. I should have left then but stayed 28 years...you wont regret it x

TheProblemOfSusan · 17/02/2017 11:48

Sounds like you have a plan - when are your expected back? If you're supposed to be back on Sunday night for example, have a "relapse" that means you can't travel so that you can time your return with the van so he's at work when you get your stuff.

supersop60 · 17/02/2017 11:57

YY to all the above. Especially taking important paperwork if you can get it without being obvious.
You know it's not going to improve, so this is a good time to get out. Will someone look after your DD when you go back for your stuff?
All the very best. Flowers

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens · 17/02/2017 12:14

YY to all the above.

If you are going by car and can pack whilst he is out, take as much as you can with you this weekend, and make sure you take all the important papers with you.

Clothes and toys can be replaced but it's a bugger getting replacements of birth certificates etc.

Good luck and hope things get better for you.

ShaniaTwang · 17/02/2017 12:18

Honestly what the fuck is wrong with these men? Op, if you've talked, if you've asked for change and its not happened, it won't ever. Why put yourself and your precious dd through a life of misery?

crazywriter · 17/02/2017 12:18

I don't usually jump to LTB but I'm with everyone else on this one. He sounds like an arse. You're definitely doing the right thing as you say there's a backstory and I assume similar if not worse than this. Getting up with DD is not spoiling her. It's what parents do and if he can't do that and look after you when you're sick (like any caring DPwould) then you need to get out there. It's a shame you're the one that has to leave but he sounds like a piece of work if you have to wait until you actually leave to make it clear you're not coming back.

Elendon · 17/02/2017 12:20

Yes take all the necessary certificates and passports etc. Your family obviously know something is wrong and so are helping you. Book that van and then leave.

Good luck. You will feel better. Flowers

SmellySphinx · 17/02/2017 12:26

Shit!

I meant "Yes you are!"

Doing the right thing ffs

SeaCabbage · 17/02/2017 12:53

So your partner thinks that a two year old should be left to moan, shout, cry all by herself when she wakes up in the morning? For how long I wonder.

Has he always thought that?

OliviaStabler · 17/02/2017 18:05

I agree, get out. Good luck op Flowers

millmoo · 18/02/2017 13:08

Do it !!
You will thank yourself for it in years to come and so will your dd
You deserve to be treated better than that ♥️

Original poster
smellyhouseelf · 18/02/2017 13:34

Thanks everyone for taking the time to kindly reply. I am now at my mums with the kids, I have recovered from the sickness but my daughter seems to have started with it now, which is a shame but being only 2, seems to cope with it better than I did!
I have decided to go back on Wednesday to tell him I'm leaving and hopefully collect my things. Since arriving here I've had numerous nasty messages from him reinforcing for me the reasons I need to leave. It's hard, as I'm mourning the relationship I used to have with the person I thought he was. I brought important documents, and my valuables with me so if I have to start from scratch with just these few belongings, then so be it.
I am terrible at confrontation and dreading going back. But needs must.
Sorry I didn't reply earlier, it's all been a bit hectic.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/02/2017 13:41

Do, please, take someone back with you, please please, for your own safety. Probably better to leave your kids with your mum when you go back as well, so they don't have to witness any unpleasantness, and he can't use them against you.

But you mustn't go alone if you can at all avoid it.

Takfish89 · 18/02/2017 13:45

Well done for being so strong. I can't imagine how hard it must be. Is there a history of violence? Can you speak to women's aid about the best plan of action. I'm not qualified but he sounds horrific. Good luck

EweAreHere · 18/02/2017 15:12

Please don't go alone. Do any of your friends have large husbands/partners who could go with you? Moral support and can help carry your things! In fact, take as many as you can find to help you get in and get out with your stuff; there won't be much your partner can do under those circumstances.

coconutpie · 18/02/2017 15:18

Can you just go back when he's not there to get your stuff? Regardless, you must bring somebody with you when you go back to collect your things.

Alisvolatpropiis · 18/02/2017 15:22

Please don't go back on your own to collect your things.

You will be ok without him. More than ok! You will be happier.

Chloe84 · 18/02/2017 15:25

So glad you're out of there. You don't need to tell him you're leaving in person. He doesn't deserve the consideration.

Can you collect the stuff with someone when he is least likely to be there? No need to put yourself through a confrontation that can be avoided.

OliviaStabler · 18/02/2017 15:48

Do you have to tell him face to face? I would get all my stuff while he is not there and just leave a note as he is that abusive. Safer.

Good luck Flowers

kaitlinktm · 18/02/2017 15:48

Your poor DD - I wonder if being put in bed with you had anything to do wiyj her catching it?

Hope you can manage to pack your traps and move without confronting him.