To wonder why i just dont want sex anymore? Is this normal?

[Whatthehellhashappened]

Have namechanged for this because I am so embarrassed. I feel like a freak.

Have been with DH 9 years, married for 6. Got 3 dc 11, 8 and 3. (dc1 is from a prev marriage of mine). I am 37. DH is 45. When we met I would say at least the first 5 years sex was very frequent and we were both really into it. even though we had small dc.

It settled down a bit to 2 or 3 times a week then when DC3 was born it was prob more 1 - 2 times a week which I would be happy with. But in the last few months I just have no desire at all it has gone down to once a month and I have to force myself (I know that sounds bad, but once we do it I enjoy it and it makes me feel so great for a few days and happier) DH still fancies me he makes that clear. wants it and I think it makes him sad I dont want it. DH obvs wanted it last night but I just wanted him to go to sleep so I could read without feeling guilty. How sad is that eh? I still fancy him BTW, he is very good looking and looks after himself. I have noticed that the only time I actively want it is once in a blue moon when the DC have stayed over at my parents in the morning

I just feel like a sexless person, like I am just a mum. I don't like my body (I am not fat but I have a c section shelf that I fucking detest. Have looked into a mini tummy tuck but just cant afford it) I am also starting to be conscious of ageing, I know this might sound big headed but I was very attractive in my 20s and early 30's... but its fading now. but that will only get worse not better? I used to be such a sexual person, one of the reasons I split with exh was because we were not compatible in bed he was shit and basically I wanted better and more sex. I can't not want sex because I don't look or feel 25 anymore ffs. I hopefully still have many years ahead of me where I can have sex! And I just cant look at myself and see what DH sees I just see someone unattractive

I cant even blame tiredness or stress or anything, I do work but not many hours and the DC are good, they sleep etc.

I am just so depressed about it. I cant tell anyone, I cant tell dh. I remember the amazing sex we used to have where I would jump on him at any opportunity and want it all the time and makes me sad that At 37 years old that aspect of my life seems to have gone

There's a book called make love like a prairie vole by Andrew Marshall that seeks to address this sort of thing, ie how to desire it in practice as well as theory. It's a plan that lasts for a few weeks. You have to both be on board with it though. I have felt similarly.

Lalunia my 3 yo would not accept that 😂 you're lucky that yours does. Ours just wants to be around us every waking moment. The others would watch tv / dvds alone for a while occasionally on weekend mornings from about 2 1/2 (one of us would come and give them breakfast, drink etc then settle them in front of the telly 😳) then sneak back to bed for half hour. Not possible with no 3 😩 She would be banging our bedroom door down within 2 minutes. This is why I think I am only fully up for shagging when none of them are here. Which like I say is unrealistic given our lack of babysitting options

I watched that Ted talk, mating in captivity. (Thank you to the person who linked that) A lot rings true but I find it depressing ...the conclusion being that a settled relationship and a good sex life are, from a biological POV, mutually exclusive. I find that sad. Nature is very cruel 😰 No wonder people get divorced they get bored and want excitement ..but then the same things happen down the line

I see you are on the coil, and I wonder if you came off it whether it would make any difference to your libido? Not exactly the same but I came off the pill after being on it for about 20 years and my libido improved after having been really low for ages. I just wanted to get those fake hormones out of my body and be natural (though condoms are a pain and not ideal). As someone else has said, late thirties could also herald the start of the peri-menopause. I'm 38 and have suspicions that I may be at the start of it myself. I know body image and self esteem have their part to play here too, but hormones really do have a lot to answer for sometimes.

Oh god you're the second person on here that's said could be the perimenopause fucking hell (I cried last night worrying it's that) 😰😰😰😰 surely it can't be ...it just can't be my mum got her menopause at 52 (I remember cos I'd just had middle dc and she admitted she wasn't at all coping and that she was jealous of me. She said she felt her life was over ... 😰) I felt so sorry for her, my friends just started hers at 43 and she was told it was early, I fucking dread it I can't read about it or anything it terrifies me

And my periods are normal and everything so it just can't be can it 😰😰

And it's the non hormonal coil (i.e. Not the Mirena) can it still kill your sex drive (off to google)

I too feel like this, 18 years ago I wanted sex all the time (I am in my late 30's now) but now with two primary school aged kids I just have no desire. By the time they are asleep I am too knackered. Plus I have a bigger belly than I would like. I have to admit for a few years we only had sex a few times a year. God it sounds awful to say that.I was breastfeeding and just didn't feel sexy and having a small human hugged to you alot of the time I just wanted space.
Things seemed to pick up a bit and we did it once a week or so but over the last 2 months we hadn't had sex until last night and it just didn't feel right.I wasn't into it and just wanted it over. Sometimes i feel he just wants to hurry me up so he can come. I am not explaining myself well but I end up feeling like a failure because I haven't come yet and then I can't come. I think it's in my head and I don't say anything.
I suffered depression year's ago and I think it is back.I noticed about ten months ago and ignored it and my anxiety levels are increasing and I am finding it so debilitating but I can't talk to anyone about it.I thought if I increased my exercise it would help and it did but not enough. I guess I need to find a quiet moment to talk to dh.

It doesn't sound awful. I think lots of us are in the same position ...its sad though and also sad that for so many it's linked intrinsically to body image

I doubt men give a fuck if their belly is "big" or they have wrinkles or are older than 30 or 40 or whatever age. And its fucking bullshit and it's not fair 😡

I do think that to some extent we are fighting against biology here. Once we've finished child bearing there is no genetic imperative to encourage us towards a rampant sex life!

I don't quite agree Allthelight. As is in most cases people would get the hot sex back in their lives if they got a new partner 😰

Not saying I want one btw!!!

I am 26 years old, and I am in the same boat I love my OH and find him incredibly sexy i'm not overly happy with my body but I don't think that is the cause, I just have no sex drive like my libido just ran away and it's been like this for a good couple of years now, me and my OH have sex a few times a week but I never initiate it, it's always him and it's become a problem as he wants to know why I don't initiate but trying to explain it isn't easy and he just doesn't understand as much as I would like him too. I am at a loss I used to jump on him at every chance and now I just go to sleep, and rarely actually want sex! maybe it's the pill, I have been on so many pills and I am now on the mini pill, I get migraines so it's apparently I can't have the regular pill, I didn't get on with the implant and to be completely honest I'm not keen on the coil... if any of you can help with suggestions that would be great.

OP I hope you get some help too, and also want to thank you for starting this thread, it's nice to know I am not alone

Music yes it could be the Pill, I have heard a lot of ladies say it goes.

Are you sure you still fancy your OH? Just Seems a bit sad at 26 to have to sort of make yourself have sex ...maybe I am projecting but when I was your age I left dh1 because I wanted and expected better sex, we had been together since 18 and think we'd just outgrown each other and I didn't want the boring mundane sex anymore.

There is a lot in that theory Allright. Plus a lot of women marry and have children with men who they think will make the best fathers not necessarily the man who they know is going to be hot in bed but a lousy parent.

Others who have both hot in bed and good parent are very lucky!

We obviously shag more when younger and searching for that mate. Isn't it what all animals do?

When you have to start scheduling anything, it's never really going to be the same as it was.

We didn't have a lot of sex when we had a 3 year old - I actually like sex again now that I'm in my 40s and my kids are pretty much self-sufficient.

We've been through patches like this, young kids, touched out, knackered, and fatter than was comfortable with.

Honestly, the more you have the more you want.

The kids sleep through, so that's great, when you can at night, when everyone's settled, get a shower, just put on nice pants and dressing gown or something, and go to bed together! Lights off if you like, until you get your mojo back.

Works for us, just takes effort at first.

Whatthehellhashappened, I definitely still fancy him, even more now than when we met 11 years ago.. when we have sex it's not that I don't enjoy it though because it's always great, it's more I can't bring myself to initiate it and I don't particularly crave it anymore, but I don't know why. I might get off the pill as it could possibly be that. I'm on cerelle so if anyone else has had issues with this pill, please let me know. I forgot to add we have 2 dcs aged 5 and 7.

That's good then museum ! Gives me hope 😊 And that's very positive as well Music, maybe visit your gp or family planning nurse and see if there are any different contraceptives you could try? How lovely that you've been together so long from so young and had children (hope doesn't sound patronising 😳 Just it seems rare nowadays) x

bastardgodarkly good idea thank you

no it doesn't sound patronising at all Whatthehellhashappened, we have been through soo much together and we have managed to make it this far we first met when I was 14 he was 15 so a long time ago, the beautiful thing about it is we have grown together not apart ( if that makes sense) so I do get annoyed at my lack of libido, because apart form that things are great between us. thank you for you lovely comments too.
I will look into other contraception hopefully I can find one that doesn't kill libido