To wonder why i just dont want sex anymore? Is this normal?

[Whatthehellhashappened]

Have namechanged for this because I am so embarrassed. I feel like a freak.

Have been with DH 9 years, married for 6. Got 3 dc 11, 8 and 3. (dc1 is from a prev marriage of mine). I am 37. DH is 45. When we met I would say at least the first 5 years sex was very frequent and we were both really into it. even though we had small dc.

It settled down a bit to 2 or 3 times a week then when DC3 was born it was prob more 1 - 2 times a week which I would be happy with. But in the last few months I just have no desire at all it has gone down to once a month and I have to force myself (I know that sounds bad, but once we do it I enjoy it and it makes me feel so great for a few days and happier) DH still fancies me he makes that clear. wants it and I think it makes him sad I dont want it. DH obvs wanted it last night but I just wanted him to go to sleep so I could read without feeling guilty. How sad is that eh? I still fancy him BTW, he is very good looking and looks after himself. I have noticed that the only time I actively want it is once in a blue moon when the DC have stayed over at my parents in the morning

I just feel like a sexless person, like I am just a mum. I don't like my body (I am not fat but I have a c section shelf that I fucking detest. Have looked into a mini tummy tuck but just cant afford it) I am also starting to be conscious of ageing, I know this might sound big headed but I was very attractive in my 20s and early 30's... but its fading now. but that will only get worse not better? I used to be such a sexual person, one of the reasons I split with exh was because we were not compatible in bed he was shit and basically I wanted better and more sex. I can't not want sex because I don't look or feel 25 anymore ffs. I hopefully still have many years ahead of me where I can have sex! And I just cant look at myself and see what DH sees I just see someone unattractive

I cant even blame tiredness or stress or anything, I do work but not many hours and the DC are good, they sleep etc.

I am just so depressed about it. I cant tell anyone, I cant tell dh. I remember the amazing sex we used to have where I would jump on him at any opportunity and want it all the time and makes me sad that At 37 years old that aspect of my life seems to have gone

Talk, talk, talk. You have to talk to your husband about this. If you leave it, then it will fester and will become increasingly difficult to deal with. You husband has already noticed your loss of interest but he still fancies you. If you re-assure him that you want to be sexual again with him, he will be keen to help. There is a whole section on NHS Choices about loss of Libido and where to get help. You are not a freak, it is far more common than you might believe, but such a personal area between two people that it is difficult to talk about as you are afraid of hurting the other. You have potentially decades of intimacy ahead of you, so don't lose heart. Deal with it as you would any other health condition, be open to each other and to ideas, seek help and work on it together. It might even be exciting! Good luck.

Are you on AD's or anything else that could affect it?

I understand OP - since the birth of DS almost three years ago mine and DH's sex life has seriously waned. I work long hours in a stressful job and dealing with a toddler too just means I'm exhausted. I just have no urge for sex.

I still fancy my DH, I still look at him and think how attractive and sexy he is but that's as far as it goes.

Sometimes I force myself to initiate sex so we have a semblance of normality and once I get going I really enjoy it and it makes me feel good for a few days afterwards but that natural urge to actually want sex just isn't there.

I don't have any interest at all. I had a late second trimester miscarriage where I lost my twins and almost didn't make it myself and although we tried again have dd2 I really didn't enjoy trying. Since she was born (now almost 2)my libido hasn't come back and combined with chronic daily migraines and fibromyalgia I'm too sore and tired to want anything but sleep. It's breaking my heart in some ways because I really do love DH and I know he loves me and wants to be intimate more but he has been very patient and while we talk about everything else I can't talk about this. On the couple of times I've managed to do it he's been over the moon and so happy for days but for me I just want it over and as soon as he slept I've cried myself to sleep feeling guilty I couldn't carry our twins

Writer that's how I feel! 😰

But you have a stressful job with long hours ...I literally have no excuse

Cheerful ...no I'm not on ADs, I have been in the past though, I know they can kill sex drive

Rivers run...I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your twins 😔 No wonder you feel like you do x

Another one here whose contraception (implant) has nuked the libido. When it stops working the horn re-emerges. So frustrating. Short of DH having the snip i dunno what the solution is. Don't wanna make him do that (he would) but gosh, just reading this thread reminds me how much women endure.

I'm there too.

This is the thing that's made most sense to me - Ted talk from the author of a book called Mating in Captivity www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship

I'd highly recommend watching it. What you're feeling (and I am too) is normal, and the best approach is not necessarily to spend more time together.

I would suggest to anyone who feels like this to consider the impact hormones have. My DH felt like this. Turns out he had an underlying medical condition causing the problems. They treated the problem, his sex drive returned. The pill killed my libido too. Never again!

I definitely agree with the theory that the more often you have sex, the more often you want to. Sometimes we go for several weeks without it (eg if the DC aren't sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) and I don't really miss it at all. But then we have it and I remember how much I enjoy it.

I recommend reading a book called 365 Nights by Charla Muller, about her attempt to have sex with her husband every night for a year. It's funny but also v thought provoking.

Oh and I meant to say, I have the copper (non hormonal) coil...so I don't take oral contraceptives but could that effect my sex drive

I'm sorry to hear so many others have this. It's fucking shit

And for me..the longer we go with out it the more awkward it is when we do it, awkward to initiate, almost feels wrong

Well I might as well go the whole hog and admit we attempted to do it last night. It didn't work. I couldn't get into it. And then I accidentally elbowed him. god the whole pathetic effort was pitiful and clumsy. So I just sort of gave up and I turned my back on him as if to say just leave me the fuck alone. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I hate my body and don't feel sexy anymore. I explained about the c section shelf and I even said i feel like I must have the worst body of anyone he's been with. (I genuinely do feel that as he had kids with his ex but she's so skinny and she didn't have c sections, then before her he only had a few girlfriends in his teens) This is all what I've put in my own head btw he's never negatively compared me. He just kept telling me I'm sexy and beautiful but I just think how can he think that and don't believe him. He even said if I want a tummy tuck we can find the money but that I don't need one in his opinion. But I know if I did have one it wouldn't change anything yes I would have a flatter tummy but I would probably find other things to hate about myself and nothing can make me look 25 again. I'm so sad about it all. and it's pathetic. Some people have real problems ffs

Following the arrival of DS (also c-section) we didn't have sex for a year because I was permanently exhausted and I imagine breast feeding didn't help. After that year though I realised I had to start thinking about sex again because that's what 'normal' couples do so I had a Mirena Coil put in place and I doubt that helped either - I was also still breast feeding. Prior to DS I'd always had a higher sex drive than DH so this new found reality was a shock to us both.

I had also lost a lot of confidence in how I looked as although I had lost my baby weight I didn't like my c-section scar/overhang and I didn't like how my breasts looked either. I used to cry a lot and tell DH I didn't want him looking at me and if we did have sex I wouldn't take my top off. He found this really hard as in his eyes he fancied he just as much as ever had but I just couldn't get over it.

Sex was still really infrequent and when it did happen it didn't feel natural because I felt like I was making myself do it. It was also quite awkward because it felt like I'd forgotten how to have sex with him and I couldn't relax in to it.

I breast fed until DS was 2.5 years, so I was also 'touched out' a lot as when he went to bed I just wanted to be left alone. I felt like my life centred around meeting DS's needs (generally looking after a toddler but also the 4 breast feeds a day/night) and the last thing that was on my mind was then thinking about my husband's needs, I just didn't have the energy to think about him, between my toddler and work I was so tired that all I wanted to do was go to sleep as soon as I had the chance.

About 12 months ago we decided to TTC for number two so our sex life picked up again, but only because it had to) but I admit that because we were doing it more frequently I found myself wanting it more and enjoying it more. It took 10 months for me to actually conceive and now DH jokes about how he's got another two years of celibacy ahead of him

I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant and we haven't had sex since I had my BFP but I've been really ill with hyperemesis so just haven't felt up to it. When I start feeling better I'm going to really make the effort to try and start having sex again although my confidence is slightly low again at the moment because of how my body hadms started to change again.

It's really difficult when there's just no sex drive and it's such a complex issue, it really isn't a case of because you fancy someone you automatically want to have with them. It would be easier if I didn't fancy DH as at least then I would understand why I have no urge to have sex with him, but I think he's bloody gorgeous.

It's a really hard situation to be in. My DH has always been brilliant about it and I have explained to him so many times that the problem lies with me, not him, but I can see he feels hurt when I reject him and that in turn upsets me.

Awww writer I just want to give you a hug. That is how I feel. I want to hide my body yet for the first few years I loved being naked around DH and got such a massive ego boost from seeing him love my body. I didn't breastfeed but I definitely can relate to that being "touched out" thing where the 3 year olds been climbing on me all the time and the others are constantly demanding me in different ways.

But as for our body image ...I think that's such a massive thing for so many of us. Why do so many of us feel this way? How we beat ourselves up. Critisise ourselves. It's not our dp/DH putting us down (in most cases) ...they love and fancy us. So why do we hate our bodies so much..our adult women's bodies that gave life and fed children

In a long term relationship sexual desire ebbs and flows, when you have young children and busy lives etc. One thing I've discovered (20+ years in my relationship) is that the more you do it the more you want it. It's quite easy to let it drift and then realise it's been weeks (at one point months) since you've done the deed. I found that persuading myself to get on with it and keep doing so meant that after a couple of weeks I wanted it rather than having to talk myself into it iyswim.

My problem is that on the days I work I'm up at 6am and then I don't come home again until 9.15pm and after being on my feet for almost 13 hours I'm exhausted by the time I get home. DS would usually be up once at some point in the night and then I'd be up again at 6am to do it all again.

On the days I wasn't at work I would still be up at 6am with DS, I'd still be exhausted from having been at work the day before and having had my broken nights sleep and then I'd have to look after him all day.

I'm just permanently tired and I probably get about 5-6 hours sleep a night inbetween working 13 hour shifts in a stressful job. Some weeks I have to work about 52 hours over the space of 4 days and it's exhausting. Sex is absolutely the last thing on my mind most of the time because spending time doing it could actually be time spent sleeping

Sometimes I hear other people talk about their sex lives and I wonder how the hell they find the time or energy. Between work and my toddler I'm too tired for much else.

We're going on holiday in about 8 weeks time and I'm hoping that if I'm more relaxed and rested then I will feel more up to having sex but the reality is probably that it won't happen because it's the 'Elephant in the room' issue at the moment and I don't want it to feel forced or unnatural but that's how it usually is.

Have you actually discussed this with your GP? There are physical causes which could be at play here as well as your clear unhappiness with your body shape. You must know from a logical perspective that a bit of a tummy and getting older don't actually have any impact whatsoever on your desirability to your partner, otherwise only the extremely young and beautiful would ever have sex or children and that's very obviously not true.

I suspect it's a bit of several issues and the self loathing is the easiest to pin down. I definitely second getting a lock on the bedroom door. For myself I have certain times of day when I'm more likely to be in the mood. Certainly not helpful if meeting for afternoon sex is never going to be possible but worth considering. Think outside the box.

Buy a nice slip or something to cover up if you have to, give each other a non sex massage, consider what might work rather than what isn't. But do see your GP because something fairly simple could be the underlying cause and you are suffering unnecessarily.

So true city bush! Good on you for keeping it going 20 years in.

Do people feel awkward and cringey doing it though if you've not for a bit? God I miss the old days when it came so naturally (pardon the pun)

Writer god I do not know how you manage all that 😱 Esp being pregnant as well. You deserve a bloody medal tbh x

Matilda I have not been to the Gp as I know how much they're under stress and I just feel I would look pathetic the middle class mum with no real problems coming in moaning that I cba to fuck my husband very often 😂 Sorry don't mean to be flippant and thanks for suggesting. My gp didn't give a fuck even when I've had depression In the past it's just ...here take these mind numbing tablets and piss off 😰

I do see where you are coming from OP, and I was the same at your age regarding sex. In fact I went on to have another child at 40.

But the feeling of sex as a part of the daily household chores really deepened in my 40s, enjoyed it when it happened, but had no desire other than to cuddle and be intimate, which my partner took as a signal to sex, which I didn't want. I do wonder why men don't think like this.

I've seen couples who are intimate, little touches, smiles and cuddles and this isn't a big deal. But if I did that with my ex he would have instantly have had an erection. With teenage children around, this wasn't acceptable.

So much that's written here is a toy how I'm feeling. The 'being touched' all day so longing for own space at the end of it, the feeling of pressure when DH and I do cuddle or snog as instantaneously the erection is there I feel guilty for not being instantly turned on too.

I have the implant, but it actually ran out a yr ago (only found out last week lol) so that can't be impacting, I'm perimenopausal and on HRT.

When I did speak to the GP about zero sex drive she said there's nothing can be done, so I kind of left it there.

I bought some durex intimate gel thingy, to supposedly ignite something in me, but I've put it in the cupboard!!!

Does anyone 'get the urge' on their own if you kwim ?

@ bunny - oh yes, I'm always urging on my own but that's fine because it's about two minutes of minimal effort

Perhaps if fulfilling sex could be over within 2 minutes and didn't require much stamina or energy I might be more up for it

I have the urge now in my 50s. In fact I have orgasms in my sleep still. it's finding the right partner now that's the problem It was just 'the children won't change us' attitude by my ex when it was obvious that it did, that got to me in the end. He left me for another woman in the end. They now have twins under a year. Both are middle aged, he's in his fifties, she is in her mid forties, and I presume the problems with him won't have gone away.

I'm not sure about having a relationship anymore. I do miss a cuddle and a chat though. This isn't enough

Dh and I have struggled with this too. For me it wasn't so much that I didn't like my body, although I'm still getting used to my newly shaped breasts... It was more that feeding and caring for a baby and a toddler just left me feeling like all I wanted to do at the end of the day was be left alone. When you spend your whole day meeting others' needs, it can be hard to add sex to that list.

Our recent way around this is during weekends when DD (1) is napping, we stick ds (3) in front of the telly for half an hour, disappear into the bedroom and out the larch on the door.

I'm finding it much easier to get into it when I'm not knackered at the end of the day.

Could you arrange space like that op?

I think your issue runs deeper though and perhaps some counselling which would address body image and all the changes in your life might be a e helpful?