Or my ILs just need to learn some manners

[thegirlintheyelllowcoat]

Let me be blunt and say that my relationship with MIL is not good. I get on really well with FIL.

This is what bothers me. Every time they come and visit or we visit (about once or twice a month), we always have lunch together and throughout the whole lunch, they literally sit and watch DD1 (3yrs old) eat and give a running commentary of her eating!

I'm from a culture that finds this so odd and bad mannered! It really bothers me as I don't want my little girl to grow up feeling self conscious of what she's eating or how she's eating and also I don't want my DD2 to feel left out or for either of them to get a complex.

This is why I'm asking the collective wisdom of MN. Would you consider this odd behaviour too in English culture (or Aibu)? If so how would you approach this without causing any upset.

I think they are just enjoying being with her and seeing all the things she can do. Best ignored - it will pass. Certainly not worth falling out over - and you have a lot of time in front of you when you will all have to get along.

Four slices of pizza sounds quite a lot for a three year old. Perhaps they are worried she is an unhealthy weight?

Once a month comments from grandparents are not going to foster eating problems.

And it'll probably fall away anyhow as she becomes older (unless she really is eating extraordinary amounts).

If you are uncomfortable, then say so and ask them to desist - but don't make it in terms of eqring disorders. Or indeed your DD's culture - because what they are doing is showing the paternal side of it. Your discomfort is sufficient reason to ask them to desist.

If they don't, then start increasing the time between visits, and find ways to change them away from invariably involving lunch.

Oh my mum does this to my DS . I take no notice , probably because my Italian grandmother still does this to me and I am 41 !

This obviously concerns you though so probably best to ignore it in front of your kids or they will start to pick up on all this anxiety over what they are eating. DD probably zones her grandparents out and it bothers you more than it does her

My iLs are the same OP! So bloody annoying but as there's no malice I've taken to giving a tight lipped smile and engaging as little as possible.
If your DD is like mine she probably isn't taking any notice so it's more likely to be a problem for you than her. Try to have a laugh with your DH about it so that it takes the annoyance out of the situation whenever they do it. And I say this as someone whose FiL referred to my 9th centile D2 as a fatty when she had only just started weaning and was gumming a piece of toast...

Before they come, could you think of some interesting topics of conversation to divert them a bit? - am thinking that they may be filling awkward gaps in conversation by doing this.

They are only being kind/interested ???

You said you only ever see them for lunch so what do you expect them to talk about

Perhaps they lack experience with children this age and do they are just making polite conversation!

They aren't hurting her or you so let it go.

Going against the in laws should only be done when absolutely necessary - believe me it's a route you do t ever want to go down and never has a happy ending

My MIL is lovely but they have food issues in their family. The other day she made a disapproving comment about something my niece was eating ("Oh, you wouldn't want that for your child, would you?"). My response was a clear "I don't see why not".

You are the mum. If she keeps doing this, ask her to stop.

Just have a chat with her, that you've noticed she never comments on dd2's activities, is there a problem or a thing in their culture about 2nd girls? That may shock her into stopping altogether. Use the opportunity, too, to mention that in your culture it's very rude.

My parents do this,they love the fact that DD is a good grubber as they say!

Could you make a comment like 'yes, she's got a good appetite but we don't go on about her eating as its so easy for children yo get a complex these days'. Without causing offence?

Is her eating level normal? My parents keep feeding dd loads of breadage which is more of an issue for me

Does it bother your daughter and stop her eating? If not, don't worry about it

Tread carefully OP.The love for a grandchild is a fierce love.They are interested in everything to do with her.

Sadly my sister does not bother much with her toddler grandsons now after being told very nastily by Dil. that 'They are not zoo animals' in the same sort of scenario.

Her son does not understand his mother's withdrawal and she would not dream of telling him.

Sounds like they are delighted with her healthy appetite.
I don't know how old they are (they could be my age) but for many older people it is really important for kids to eat well. Memories of children who 'failed to thrive' and were 'sickly' can be pretty strong in the older generation.

But I do get your POV too. My ILs are not UK/White/English (they would take great offence at being called non-British though).
One of my DS's enjoyed his food as a toddler and they labelled him as a big eater. Every.single.time we were at a family gathering they would push food at him. 'Look at that boy eat!' and enourage him to excess.
He started to perform for them and it got ridiculous.
Now he is a skinny vegetarian (like his mum :D ) but it was pretty crap at one point.

We saw them a lot though. You are only seeing your ILs a couple of times a month and this will probably wear off as she gets older. It might even go in the opposite direction as they fall into the 'girls shouldn't enjoy food' mode.

Honestly, it is English culture. It's old-fashioned but it is right there, rooted in the desire to see a child eat well and be healthy and in satisfaction at having provided enough food themselves for their own child to breed and be a successful parent.

It used to happen all the time in 'respectable working class' culture. You know, all those people who disappeared into the expanded middle-class at Mrs Thatcher's behest. When raising well-fed, healthy children was something to be really proud of, people gloried in it. 'Bonny' children - well fed, happy, good to see, healthy appetites.

Its true Theelephant because so many children died due to poor nutrition and untreated illness.
A rosy cheeked, fat child meant one that was more likely to survive at a time when infant mortality was incredibly high.

These attitudes endure.

It sounds like you really don't like MIL and so everything she does is irritating you

Could you suggest doing something that doesn't involve food? Park, soft play, going to a child friendly show?

Or feed the DC before you go and say they'll just have a fruit shoot

I am naturally shy and my parents always looking over for whatever we did has had a massive effect in my confidence. Now I know that this thing is not normal and am much more confident than I used to be.

If your ILs are anything like my FIL who keeps criticising me for even the size of the spoon my children use, why don't they cut the pizza slices in tiny pieces (like little birds) and everything we do while we eat is bad then I can see what you are saying. It's so draining!!

And I am not British.

I do sympathise with you here. We've always tried not to focus too much on what my 2yo is/isn't eating as she eats *so much better if she's left to her own devices to explore what's on her plate, eat it in her own good time etc. If she doesn't try something straight away, my parents will start stressing that she's not going to eat it and saying things like 'don't you want to try a bit of your chicken?', which makes her determined not to. I don't ever force her to eat anything she doesn't want as it's counterproductive in the long run, so then (if my mum has cooked) they're disappointed.

I have asked them not to stare at her and comment on what she does/doesn't eat, but I know my dad thinks I'm being controlling, so it's a tricky one to negotiate with your inlaws.

Sorry, meant to add that even if she eats loads and they praise her for it I think the focus on her throughout the meal is unhelpful. I really don't want meals to turn into power games and so do everything I can to create the impression that no one is bothered what she does and doesn't eat.

I wanted to say this sounds odd and then I thought about the weaning process im going through with ds and I talk all the time like this...

I would say "Stop it - you'll give her an eating disorder." Honestly. It sounds very annoying and bad manners regardless of culture.

It is very bad manners and experts have shown that 'over interested parties' can damage their eating habits!

You are told not to look at an animal whilst it's eating - why would humans be any different - it's uncomfortable and annoying

It sounds quite annoying tbh but at the same time lots of families seem to do it: my BiLs and SiLs always seem to be obsessed with what my niece is eating/comments about how chunky she is etc, but in a proud way. I would put a stop it just because it doesn't take much to make children self-conscious over food. My grandmother did it to me - always talking about how much I was eating and getting me to eat more, and then at the end of a meal where she had forced me to eat more than I wanted she would make a sniffy comment about how greedy I had been - cue a lot of disordered eating later down the line, and that was on thrice-yearly visits.