To not have any idea how to cope?

[EssieTregowan]

I'm currently a SAHM although all three dc are at school, I have very poor mental health and have managed to stabilise it over the last few months by carefully factoring in A LOT of downtime. Dont get me wrong, I'm not sitting on my arse all day, but DH basically does the evening shift at home and picks up quite a lot of slack at the weekends.

His job is quite senior and they have a huge project due in the next six months. He has been 'asked' to work overtime to implement this. He already does a bit, like three hours on a Sat/Sun from home (he gets up early to do this), but he's now keen to, and basically has to do six hours both weekend days (he'll work 6am-12pm) and an extra couple of hours per day.

He has asked me if I can let him abdicate all housework responsibility while the overtime is needed. I am of course very happy to do this, in theory, but I'm panicking a bit about how I'm actually going to do it.

I currently manage to keep the house and kids ticking over, although we are constantly on the back foot with things like washing and there is always something to do. He currently does things like the bins, the garden, baths the youngest, cooks when I can't, does bedtime when I need to go to bed early, runs the hoover round at the weekend, stuff like that.

I'm probably being a bit pathetic but I'm panicking now about how it's going to work. I have my moments where I clean the entire house and get through a weeks washing in two days, but they are few and far between. More normal is doing the breakfast dishes after the school run and then having a nap until lunchtime . I also rely on him a lot to remember appointments and help with homework, and he won't really be available for this.

Are we fucked? I hate that I'm so fucking useless but we had a good system that worked. I need to entirely rethink stuff.

Please give me any advice you can, or just tell me to woman the fuck up (kindly though or I'll cry).

Another one here saying to outsource. If you had a broken leg and were having regular physio appointments would you feel so bad about outsourcing for 6 months?

The downtime isn't a luxury with MH issues, it's often an essential part of the day. You're not being lazy.

I'm going to look into getting some help. I hadn't realised about direct payments and that might be worth pursuing, because I'm not then spending DH's hard earned overtime on a cleaner (as I said, this is all in my head and doesn't come from DH but I can't deal with the guilt).

I've done two loads of washing today and put three baskets of clean stuff upstairs. That's at the expense of not cleaning the kitchen yet, I'm hoping to be able to do that in a minute and still be able to walk to school. It's ridiculous.

A few years ago I was a busy, active, full time working normal person. This new me sucks.

If he cooks when you are not able to, substitute some food in the freezer that can just go in the oven, or order takeaways. And tell him you are panicking a bit. You need the support.

essie I'm assuming it is depression. It will get better (honestly) I've been suicidal and it did...but it took time and I still struggle sometimes... the old you is still there and you can be them again. (Assuming you have no physical problems -or rather other physical problems as depression is a physical illness)
Personally I think having things to do (low level, low pressure) can be helpful as it distracts you - although I know that feeling of not being able to get out of bed -feeling so exhausted and full of despair, with a heavy chest - wanting to hide away, sleep and never wake up - and to not want to interact with anyone....even the postman ... and it can feel impossible. But I also think if you always give in to it it makes it worse...
Just do what you can ...set (easy) targets and try and meet them but don't beat yourself up if you can't.
Do try and deal with things straight away...not doing and having things hanging over you makes it so much worse.
And if you don't have to worry about money - don't ...I'm sure you DH would pay any amount to make you feel better. Would you feel the same guilt if your DH was paying for your treatment of something like cancer?

Good luck

Unfuck your habitat might suit you far better than stuff like fundamentalist bigot Flylady as they specifically handle the state of your home and chronic illness including mental health issues.
HTH

I am bipolar and have had some awful down patches. Stuff I do:

1. Always have a stash of microwave meals etc in the freezer. Then if you are having a wobbly day and can't cook, family can stick something in.

2. Cleaner for the heavy basic work - hoovering, dusting, changing bed linen. If you can afford it at all, do it.

3. Lists for everything else, but be realistic about what you can and can't do. It's all well and good to say "X person just gets on with it and scrubs the ceiling and dusts the skirting boards" but if you can't, you can't and will just feel shit for failing. I always have three things to do, but on a bad day that might be "get up and get dressed", "stack dishwasher", and "Tesco order online" which isn't much but means I maintain momentum and don't fall too deep into a slump.

Also, def support the suggestion of Gousto boxes. They are amazing and have hugely helped me.

Good luck

Oh, and I follow Unfuck Your Habitat too. Flylady can get in the ocean