To judge this mother

[Hrre]

My mum has just told me something about my cousin and her daughter and I'm fuming. People will say it's none of my business but how can this woman call herself a mother?

My cousin is mid 30s and has a 15 year old daughter. The daughter has severe bulimia and had to see a therapist twice a week. My cousin won't take her "in case she gets blamed" so makes her step brother take her instead.

How can anyone in that situation make it about them? Why not put your daughter first? I cannot believe it.

You don't know the circumstances and what they've going through, just gossip and hearsay, so don't think your judgemental indignation is terribly righteous or constructive.

You're absolutely right. People will say its none of your business. Because it's not.

How do you know your cousin hasn't got eating disorder and therefore can't face up to the real health issues around it?

How do you know your cousins daughter isn't more comfortable with someone else taking her? A lot of teenagers won't open up as much if a parent is next to them.

It's nothing to do with you. The dd is getting help and that's the main thing.

Having her relatives gossiping about her and her mother is not going to help the girl either.

I don't know. It can be really hard as a parent to see your child upset and go to a therapist. She is making sure her daughter is going and I wouldn't think it's essential mum takes her. I wouldn't judge based on just that.

She still makes sure her daughter goes though, right?

Oh if only life were so simple.

So you and your mother were gossiping about something you know not a lot about ok then tbh it is probably better a mother isn't at counciling with a 15yroldmeans the kid can talk freely but judge away .

I don't take my kids to the dentist as I don't like the dentist and see it as a parenting test. DH doesn't mind so he takes them. Am I a bad parent??

You have heard this second hand and probably do not know the full story or reasons, you therefore cannot judge. It's a very difficult and complex situation for your cousin and her daughter and no doubt emotions are high. You have no idea what she said or how she said it, or even what you would do in her situation. Fuming? You perhaps need to offer support?

I think you need to wind your neck in.

For all you know your cousin could have an eating disorder and that's why she can't face taking her DD.

but how can this woman call herself a mother?

She has a child, she is a mother.

in other language news, you are a judgemental busybody.

Half a story from a gossip who is willing to slag off her own niece who is in a difficult situation isn't the best way to make a judgement on anyone's situation tbh.

I think your time would be better spent offering your cousin and her daughter your support, not bitching behind their backs on the internet to strangers about something that you heard second hand from your mother!

I agree it's not right for a mother with a daughter who is obviously very ill to worry about what people will think of her instead of supporting her daughter - very selfish, but this attitude may play some part towards the reason why the poor girl is having her own problems in the first place.

Growing up in your family, I am not surprised she is worried people will judge her!

Well since her family say "she's not a mother" then no wonder she assumes that other people will blame/turn on her, no wonder she's scared to go!

You could disagree with her decision without saying she can't call herself a mother . Sounds like your family in general are as much contributing to the problem as she is

It's none of your business!
You've no idea what they are all going through, hopefully the rest of the family are more supportive and not as judgemental as you.

Yes you are!

Thst is all.

Does it matter who physically takes her there? It's individual therapy, not family therapy, right? How is she not putting her daughter first, if she's getting therapy for her and ensuring that she goes?

Incidentally, there is an awful lot of mother-blaming in therapy for eating disorders - I've heard psychologists who really ought to know better lazily attribute a patient's anorexia to a 'cold mother' despite never having met the family.

It is very hard for people with severe eating disorders and their families. Try a little empathy and support.

Dd2 had counselling last year. You don't go on with them as they need to be able to talk on their own.
I would spend an hour waiting for her.
As it happened it worked out well for me to take her. My hours at work have now changed and if it came up again I suspect dh would take her as his work has mote flexibility.
But really we were just a taxi there.

None of your business

But she's getting her the help she needs? Why does it have to be her who takes her if there is someone else who us happy to?

I agree with the majority here. None of your business.

She makes sure her DD gets to her therapy sessions. If the therapist wanted her there she would specifically ask for her.

It might be more to the point for you or your mother to ask if she is doing OK, find out why she is so worried and try and alleviate her fears. If you aren't close enough to do that, then this is just gossip and not very nice.